


Love Into The Light

by pleasanthell



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2017-11-22 14:13:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 84,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasanthell/pseuds/pleasanthell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You remember when you were sure you couldn’t live without her. That ache in your chest when you remember that she’s not yours dimmed, but never really left. You always thought your whole life would be lived with her at your side. Now your life has consumed you, but the space that she left is still vacant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s early in the morning. The frosted windows of your living room make you grateful that it’s warm inside. You look over at Nick who is lying on the couch next to you. He’s not going to be bouncing off the walls anytime soon. So you pick up your laptop where it’s charging on the coffee table and place it in your lap.

As you’re checking your emails, Nick moves to you and leans on you. You smile and put your arm around your little boy. He’s so adorable. You ruffle his hair and softly stroke his back, while you scan through the emails that your assistant forwarded to you. Requests for meetings. Demands for meetings. Reminders for meetings. Being an up and coming play producer in New York City is an extremely busy job. Everyone wants some of your time, but there’s only one person that well received the actual majority of your time.

That person is asleep against your side.

When you see that it’s almost seven thirty, you close your laptop and look down at Nicolas. “It’s time to wake up,” you gently move him from your side to your lap.

It’s insane to think that he wasn’t with you even three years ago. It feels like he’s always been there. You kiss his head and cradle him in your arms. You sing his name and smile when his dark eyelashes part as he slowly, but surely starts to wake up.

You get him some cereal and sit down next to him as you scan the newspaper on your tablet, checking the headlines. “Mama,” he says softly and you look at him. He’s offering you a bite of his cereal. The milk is dripping on the table and there’s only one Cheerio on the spoon, but he’s so sweet offering.

You take the bite and hum in approval. “Thank you.”

He smiles at you and goes back to eating.

When he’s done, you put the bowl in the sink and pick him up to carry him to this bedroom. His room is a light shade of green. It’s calming and not overwhelming. His bed is unmade in the corner, but you’ve never been one to make beds.

You check your phone for the weather before you glance out the window then move to the closet to pick out what Nick is going to wear. You grab some warm pants that you’re sure are for skiing, but it’s stupid because two year olds can’t ski. Then you grab a hunter green thermal shirt and a red t-shirt. When he’s all dressed, he picks up his shoes and hands them to you as his sits on his bed.

You kneel down and put his shoes on. You smile up at him when you’re done and he smiles back. You give him a quick kiss before leaving him in his room to play while you finish getting ready.

Luckily, today will be a very chill day for you so you can get away with jeans, a nice shirt, and your tan pea coat with a green scarf. You pull on your boots and you’re good to go.

You put your laptop into your bag and grab Nick from his room. He is happy to put on his backpack and wait at the door while you turn off all the lights.

“Alright,” you reach for the door knob, “Ready?”

He nods affirmatively, his hair swaying, “Ready.”

You open the door for him and walk out after him. In the hallway he waits like he’s supposed to for you to lock the door. Then he holds your hand as you walk to the elevator.

When you get to your office building, you drop him off at daycare with a kiss then go up ten stories to your office. Through the front door you see your secretary. She greets you with a smile and a handful of things for you to look over. As you walk, you glance into your bosses’ office to see if she’s there. As usual, you beat her to work. She’s probably off discovering some new talent or pinching a play from the estate of a dead playwright before the body is cold.

Whatever she’s doing is none of your concern anyway. You have things to do before this show can get on stage. You’ve read the script over many times. You know the story backwards and forwards. You know that stage directions and the settings. So now that you know all of these things you can find a cast that fits (that’s what casting directors are for, but you’re a more hands on kind of producer) and you can find an actual stage to put it on.

In your office, you toss the papers down onto the desk and look at the walls. On one wall is a map of the island of Manhattan. You’ve outlined all the decent theatre spaces and put red pins in theatres that are absolutely booked when you plan to open this show. Then you put green pins in spaces that will be open and yellow pins in spaces that will probably be open based on the reviews of the shows that are currently running in them.

You have appointments to tour the a few green spaces and a yellow. Then you have to meet with a casting director to go over some general things. You have to schedule a meeting later in the week with the director and then of course you have to make a budget with the money people. They’re always a fun bunch. Not. You frown thinking about it and make a note on your computer to make sure you meet them somewhere with alcohol.

You make phone calls and haggle prices with vendors until your first tour is scheduled. You don’t even go inside. You look at the outside and then tell the manager that you’re not interested. He follows you down the sidewalk a few blocks telling you that they’re renovating and that the front will be completely redone. He can’t give you an exact date which the renovation will be completed so you keep walking. He gives up half a block from the next venue you’re going to look at.

The manager is outside when you get there and greets you with a smile. He tells you that there’s a rehearsal going on inside, but he can show you whatever you’d like.

You listen as he rattles off the specifications of the theatre, how many seats there are, what chairs could be removed, and so forth. You walk with him down the aisles. On the stage there are dancers in masks, sweatpants, and tank tops moving around to the directions of an older woman in all black clapping her hands to keep the time. You make a mental note to leave the card of the casting director with a few of the dancers. You wonder if they know that their show is closing within the next month. You’d feel bad, but you know that this business is and always will be unpredictable.  The people that make it are the ones that can roll with the punches.

You look around the house of the theatre and ask, “Are there any obstructed views?”

“No,” the manager shakes his head. “You said that the show you’re producing is a musical?”

You nod, “Yes.” You walk down one of the rows and stand in the middle of it, looking at the stage. You hate to admit it, but the first time you read the script you saw the protagonist looking exactly like Rachel Berry. You wonder what happened to her sometimes, but you’re really too busy to cyber stalk people you went to high school with.

“Let’s see the stage,” he suggests.

You nod and follow him up to the stage. He walks up the set of moveable stairs that are placed in the middle of the stage near the front. You follow him up the stairs. The director calls a break so that you can look at the stage without getting kicked in the face or tripped over.

You look down at the tablet on your arm and pull up the camera. You take pictures of the stage, the light bars, and turn around to take a picture of the house. You squint up at the mezzanine. “How many lights can you fit on the rails of the mezzanine?”

“Right now, we can fit ten of the heavier lights on reach side of the railing, however if you need to we can add a rail against the outside walls,” he tells you gesturing to the sides of the stage.

You take a note on your tablet and look up. The wooden acoustics on the ceiling look to be in good shape. You look at the stage again. It looks fine. Nothing special, but typical of stages. The dancers are laughing off to one side and some are stretching. You walk to the middle of the stage and try to remember what you were going to ask. You rub your forehead. It feels like someone is watching you so you look behind you and see one of the dancers staring at you. You can easily tell it’s a woman, but she’s still wearing her mask. You quirk your eyebrow at her and she quickly looks away.

You turn back to the manager who has stepped away and is talking to the dance director. He nods and walks back over to you with her. “This is Carmen Fields. She was wondering, for the sake of her dancers, if you had already cast your play.”

You shake your head, “No. We’re going to be holding auditions next week.” You pull a few of your cards out. You understand that in the theatre business you make as many friends as you can so you can call in favors when you’re in need. “I’ll be there. The auditions start at ten, but if your dancers come in at nine we’ll screen them first.”

“Thank you so much,” the woman says, “This means a lot. They’re all great dancers. We just don’t have the budget to keep the conservatory open. They haven’t even been paid this month.”

You look back at the dancers. Sizing them up beforehand can save time. However when you look back, you see the woman with the mask still staring at you. This time you walk right up to her. It’s getting creepy. You eye her green and yellow mask before you make your next move. You take out one of your cards and hand it to her, “I hope to see you at the auditions. Or you can just stand in the corner and stare at me. Either way.”

Then you walk back to the manager, dragging him off to the backstage area.

You’re happy to finish for the day because you want to pick up Nick. Even though he’s enrolled in the best day care in the city, you’d still rather have him with you. He runs to you when you walk in and you pick him up, the stress of your day evaporating.

The teacher tells you that, as usual, he was a joy. You expect nothing less. If the teachers start to say something different, there’s something wrong with them.

At home, you go into the kitchen and try to decide what to make for dinner. You left Nick in his room, but you don’t think he’ll be in there for very long. He likes to watch. You move a chair to the counter so that he can watch, but you hover next to him so that he doesn’t fall.

You make sandwiches because you’re tired. Nick doesn’t really care. He’ll eat anything. Except for that one time he spit mashed up peas all over your mom. You laughed so hard tears poured out of your eyes.

“I love you,” you tell Nick as you help him into the chair. He grins and tells you that he loves you too in his cute toddler voice.

You eat dinner in quiet at the table. It’s important to you to have dinner at the table when you’re at home. The temptation to work while eating is great, but your love for Nick is greater. You want him to grow up knowing that there’s always time to slow down and enjoy family. You want him to know that he’s important enough to you that you’ll drop everything for him.

He’s such an easy kid. He’s quiet most of the time and he can talk as well as the other kids his age. He just doesn’t seem to like to. He loves to listen. He’s the exact opposite of you at his age. You don’t know how your parents handled you. Nick’s an angel and you can barely keep up with him.

You kiss his head when he’s in bed and tell him that you love him. He rolls onto his side and you put the guards up on the sides of his bed so he doesn’t fall off. You turn off the light and find the nightlight still on from the night before.

You stand in the doorway looking at him. Your heart feels like it’s growing. Not in the painful Grinch kind of way, but it’s at least swelling. You love that little guy so much.

You stand there for a good ten minutes before you shuffle yourself off to bed.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

At work the next day, you show up with coffee to the theatre you’re borrowing for the next few days to hold auditions. The casting director is already seated at the table with the adjustable microphone in the middle. She smiles at you, “Hey girl.”

“Hey,” you set the coffee down and hand her one, “Sorry I’m late. I spent twenty minutes looking for a shoe that Nick had in his hand the whole time. He was using it as an airplane.”

She laughs and flips her red hair out of her face. “No problem. We’re moving a little slow here anyway.”

You try to focus, but your mind is all over the place. You have Christmas presents to buy and you have to decide whether you’re going to Lima for Christmas or your parents are going to fly to you. So many decisions have to be made as the holidays draw near.

Your casting director motions for the bouncer at the door to let the first person enter the stage. You turn to her and say, “This first group was rehearsing when I looked at the theatre. They’re pretty good, but… you know.”

She smiles, “It’s more of a professional courtesy.”

You nod and reply with a smile, “Exactly.”

You pay attention enough to the first few dancers of the company to know that they’re not up to par with your vision. You figure that this was just a little fringe dance company so you occasionally glance up while making notes about the types of actors that you need to cast for the acting parts.

The casting director leans forward to speak into the microphone at your table, “Number 324.” She casts a glance your way. It’s your fault all the actors and dancers go by numbers. You’ve been accused to judging people by their names before even seeing them. They’re probably right though. Some names are just stupid and you can’t help, but pre-judge people with stupid names. And parents of people with stupid names.

This dancer takes the cursory glance you give her and then holds it. She’s wearing the green and yellow mask from when you watched them rehearse. You feel like she’s playing a game with you. Fine. If she wants to play games, you’ll play.

However, when she starts dancing you find yourself rapt. The way she moves is so fluid that for a moment you forget the little game that you’re entangled in. She used the entire stage and kept your attention the entire time.

Something about the way she moves is familiar. You know that body and how it moves. It hits you at the end of it. When the dance is over, she stands in the middle of the stage.

You grab the microphone and put it to your lips, “Take off your mask.” It’s not really a game if one of you is the boss. You let her know who is in charge immediately.

She just looks up at you and then fidgets for a moment. Then she slowly takes it off, her blonde hair falling around her shoulders as the mask releases it. You knew it. You don’t realize that the microphone is still pointed at your mouth when you breathe out, “Brittany.”

A small smile crosses her lips before she says, “Thank you.” Then she walks off the stage. You want to run after her, but this isn’t high school anymore and you have a job to do. You also have a son to pick up, immediately following this so you have to stay on schedule.

You grab Brittany’s file and her application from the casting director and grab the stamp on the table. Once there’s a large red “Callback” on her file, you give the casting director the okay to move on.


	2. Chapter 2

Once the dance auditions are over you decide to leave the rest of it to the casting director. You’ll come back for the callbacks which you were planning to do anyway. You’re just a little shaken up and want to take Nick to do something fun. Maybe you’ll go to the zoo.

You’re still shaken when you leave. You wonder what she’s doing here. You haven’t seen or heard from Brittany in a little over three years. When she graduated, you two just kind of drifted apart. Of course it wasn’t quite drifting. It was abrupt.

Nick is excited that you’re picking him up early and instead of driving home, you walk to the zoo.

He loves animals. Nick especially loves the tigers. You hold him tight when you pick him up to see. You wouldn’t want him to fall in and you have to jump in after him and make some tiger skin coats.

Then you pick up dinner on the way home. You’re quiet through dinner. You’re still thinking about Brittany. You haven’t thought about her in a while. Your brain has been occupied with work and taking care of Nick. He’s your whole life. You remember when she was your whole life. Of course she took care of you as much as you took care of her. Now the caring is pretty much a one way street.

You remember when you were sure you couldn’t live without her. That ache in your chest when you remember that she’s not yours dimmed, but never really left. You always thought your whole life would be lived with her at your side. Now your life has consumed you, but the space that she left is still vacant.

“More juice?” Nicolas asks and holds up his empty cup.

You take it from him and pour a little more into his cup. You look at the clock and see that it’s almost time for bed. You’ll give Nick a bath and then put him in bed.

Of course that leaves you alone with your thoughts. You pour yourself a glass of wine to hopefully calm yourself. Maybe it was a bad idea to get her phone number off of her audition sheet. You look at it typed into your phone perfectly. You could press the green button and talk to her. Hear her voice again.

You shut off your phone and put it on the kitchen table. You can’t. It would give you too much hope. You’ve been so lonely for so long that you don’t want to give yourself the false hope of thinking that sweet, kind, beautiful Brittany isn’t dating or even married for that matter.

You decide to just go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

And as soon as you get it, you want to give your new day back. Nick started the day off slamming his thumb in the lid of his toy box. You felt terrible for him. Whenever he cries it breaks your heart. He’s a quiet kid and he cries the same way. Just silent, sad tears streaming down his face.

When you get him settled down with a Spiderman band aid, you check the time and find that you’re way behind. You have to hurry and get dressed, not having time to do your hair. You put it up in a loose ponytail just to do something with it and then dress Nick.

You’re out the door twenty minutes late. It’s okay because that was twenty minutes you were going to spend drinking coffee in the coffee shop. You can just get it to-go and make it to the theatre on time. As you’re walking, you field a call from a theatre tech company that heard about your new show and wants to get in on it. You have a tech company that your head producer likes to work with, but you tell them that you’ll keep their information handy because you haven’t finalized with the money people yet.

You hang up just as you take your seat at the table in the theatre. Your casting director accepts the coffee you brought her and looks up as a man wearing all black hands her a huge pile of applications.

You start to rethink your decision to hold open auditions. It’s so time consuming trying to find the next big Broadway star. Going through a database and picking out proven off-Broadway actors that have potential is so much easier. But you feel this show is special and open auditions are the way to go. It’ll make the show that much more of a smash hit when it opens.

The casting director likes to hold vocal auditions first which makes sense. It doesn’t matter if someone can act with the power of Forest Whitaker if they can’t sing their way out of a paper bag. A great actor is easier to find than a great singer. Of course you think again of Rachel Berry. She can act and sing and she was who you were thinking of when you read the protagonist’s lines.

You decide to throw her name down just in case you can’t find anyone. You can track her down if she’s in New York. Especially if she’s part of the theatre scene. You scribble her name down into your notes and then ask the casting director if she’s ready.

You hear a few terrible songs and a few decent songs. You hear only a handful of great songs. It only takes a few hours to get through the people auditioning for the leads. You order lunch during a really terrible version of Walking In Space from the musical Hair. You have no idea why this would be anyone’s audition song.

You’re in a better mood after the food arrives because you’ve moved on to the secondary parts. You drink your tea and look down at your tablet. You have twenty-seven pages of notes. Your hand is starting to cramp. You take the stylus out of your hand and flex it.

“Looks like we’re going to get out of here early,” the casting director mentions the next faceless singer takes the stage.

The music is cued and you hear something that you haven’t heard yet. It’s not a musical and it sounds like it’s from the forties. You look down and for the second time in that seat, in that theatre, you’re shocked. You mouth, “Son of a bitch.”

Standing on the stage, singing in her smoky, earthy voice, Quinn Fabray is auditioning for you. And she sounds great. She was good in high school, but she’s phenomenal now. She’s had some time to practice and this song is perfect for her.

“I like her,” the casting director whispers to you. She makes notes on Quinn’s application. You decide to make it official and stamp her file “Callback”.

You don’t know what it is about this play, but you swear to god if you see Hummel walk in the door, you’re leaving.

Luckily when you do vocals, you shine the lights on the actors so you can see if they have a weird squint or something and they can’t see you. Quinn walks off none the wiser and you keep an eye out for anyone else from your high school.

None of them show up which you’re sort of thankful for. You think that Brittany and Quinn are the only ones that you could really stand to be around for long periods of time.

When the auditions are over, you hand off the list of call backs to the assistant so that he can call everyone. Against your better judgment, you put Quinn’s number into your phone. You don’t know why. You just like having it. Just like you like having Brittany’s.

You decide to pick Nick up early from school and take him home. You play blocks and cars with him until it’s time for dinner. “What do you want for dinner, sweetheart?” you ask him.

“Rice,” he grins. He has an adorable dimple when he smiles. You don’t think that you could really ever say no to him.

You make some chicken with fried rice for dinner and he eats everything on his plate. You don’t know how big he’s going to be because right now he’s about average size, but you have some rather tall, muscular male cousins. He’s starting to eat like them though so maybe that’s a sign of what’s to come.

After a bath, complete with bubbles and his toy boats and submarines you take him to his bedroom. As he’s snuggling in, he grabs your shirt to keep you from leaving, “Sing Mama.”

You smile and do as he asks. You never knew lullabies so you sing him soft ballads. Tonight you sing him a soft Alicia Keys song and he crashes out in the middle of the second verse, but you finish the song. You kiss his forehead and turn on his nightlight.

You decide to work from home the next day.  There aren’t any auditions today. You sleep in, which is a little past eight for you and realize what woke you up. Nick is standing next to the bed, patting your arm.

You place your hands under his arms and pull him onto the bed. He sits up next to you and you look at him. His hair is messy from sleep, but he’s still the cutest thing in the city. You run your hand through your own messy hair and then move over a little bit so he has more room and isn’t so close to the edge of the bed.

“Good morning,” you tell him.

He flops over onto his stomach and grins at you, “Good morning.”

“Do you want to stay home today and watch movies?” you ask him. You glance at the windows and see peeks of clouds through the curtains.

He looks at you with his squinted thinking face. You can’t help, but smile. He answers, “Park?”

“Maybe after lunch,” you tickle his side and he squeals with laughter.

Nick drags his blanket into your bedroom and you turn on Winnie the Pooh. You normally don’t allow food in bed, but you both share a bagel in the comfort of your sheets. Nick brings some of his toys into the bed. He hands you a teddy bear to cuddle with while he uses your pillows as mountains for his toy horses to climb.

You absolutely love mornings like this. You know that everything is worth it. Working so hard before he wakes up and after he goes to sleep, is absolutely worth it because the time you spend with him is invaluable.

When you ask if he still wants to go to the park before lunch because you need to get out of your apartment (every time you say apartment, you hear your real estate agent in your ear saying ‘It’s a loft’. It may be a fucking loft, but you paid for it so you’ll call it whatever you damn well please), he jumps up on the bed and starts jumping. You catch him midair and tell him not to jump on the bed. He apologizes and hugs your neck. You roll your eyes at yourself for immediately going soft. This is going to be a problem when he gets older.

You take him to Bryant Park even though it’s really not the closest park to your apartment.  Nick loves the carousel and although you suck at ice skating therefore you won’t take Nick ice skating until he’s older, he likes watching the skaters.

After two times around the carousel, you hold him as you walk toward the ice rink. You browse the shops around the rink before you actually find somewhere to watch. Nick gets a new scarf that he doesn’t seem to really want to wear, but you insist because you don’t want him to get cold. You get him a plastic toy dinosaur as well to make up for the added restriction to his movement that the scarf gives him.

As you sit by the rink, Nick with his hands pressed to the glass, your phone rings. You pull your phone out of your pocket with a lazy smile. Probably work. You’ll take care of it quickly and go back to your day with your son.

However when you see the screen, you find that it’s absolutely not work. The name ‘Brittany’ is announcing the caller at the top. You swallow and press the green button to answer it. “Hello?”

You listen for a moment and only hear a rustling noise. It must have been a pocket dial.

You hang up and bite your lip. You get up off of the bench so that you’re standing next to Nick. He wraps his little hand around the dangling end of your coat belt and holds on.

You swallow and look at your phone again. She has your number because you handed out your card to that dance company she was with. It’s perfectly logical for her to have it. You decide to just jump and press the green button.

This time it rings once before there’s an answer, “Hey! Santana! What’s up?”

You smile because she does sound excited to hear from you. “You, um, pocket dialed me.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry about that,” she apologizes, “I just threw my phone in my bag after this audition I just left.”

“Wow, you’re auditioning all over the place huh?” you ask with a smile.

She chuckles, “Yeah. My company went bankrupt. It’s not a big deal. I’ve only been with them for a few weeks. How are you?” she asks.

“I’m…great,” you say. “Just hanging around Bryant Park.”

“No way!” she squeals. “I was just going to go check out the winter shops over there. Do you wanna meet? Catch up?”

The end of her last question sounded so hopeful that you don’t think you could tell her no even if you wanted to. “Sure. I’ll be by the ice rink.”

“Awesome,” she says softly, “See you there.”

“Bye,” you hang up and look down at Nick. He doesn’t look away from the ice so you don’t try to make him. You drop your phone back into your pocket and start internally freaking out.

You look down at the ice with Nick. The circular motion of the skaters on the ice calms you down. You place your hand on top of Nick’s head, playing with his hair.

“Santana?” you hear from behind you.

You immediately turn around and see Brittany. Her cheeks are pink from the cold and her hair is falling out of a ponytail. Her eyes catch yours and you find that nothing has changed in them. She’s still bubbly and kind. She pulls you into a hug before you can say anything.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey,” you finally choke out. You can feel your heart beating at a ridiculous pace when it shouldn’t. It’s just Brittany. But when you take a step back and look at her face you know that she’ll never be just Brittany.

You feel little fingers wrap around yours and look down. Nick is holding onto you and sizing up Brittany.

You can see Brittany doing the same. She has that adorable look on her face when she’s confused and bites her lip. She finally asks, “Is he…?” she trails off, leaving her question hanging in the air.

You nod and smile, “He’s mine.”

She licks her lips and looks at you questioningly. You know that she doesn’t want to ask directly, but she won’t stop wondering until she knows.

You look over at Nick to make sure that he’s not listening. He’s back to watching the skaters. You’re not looking forward to the day you tell him about his conception. You turn back to Brittany, “I-It’s a long story.” Your eyes fall to the ground. You’re not proud of what you did and you don’t want to go over it right now in the park, in public. You did get Nick out of it and he’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you, the woman standing in front of you coming in at a close second. At least she was a few years ago.

Brittany nods. There’s no judgment in her eyes and you didn’t expect there to be. She rubs her elbow and moves her hair out of her face, “I’m sorry.”

You frown, “Why?”

“I should have been there,” Brittany quietly adds.

You were so not ready for that. You were just expecting a subject change. This is way too much too soon. You shake your head, “You had your own life. My mistakes are mine. And I got Nick.” You smile when you see him looking around curiously, taking in the world around him. The wind blows his hair a little and you automatically fix it. “He’s worth all of it.”

Brittany smiles at you. “You’re a great mom, San.”

That statement means so much to you. You don’t hear that a whole lot. Sometimes your mom tells you when she comes in from Lima, but for the most part it’s just you and Nick. You feel guilty for feeling lonely when you have him.

“Can I…?” Brittany gestures vaguely to Nick.

You bite your lip, but nod. You don’t know how much your heart can take of Brittany interacting with Nick. She takes a step to him and squats down. He looks questioningly at her and then up at you, silently asking what to do. You just smile to reassure him that she’s nice.

“I’m Brittany,” Brittany smiles at him. “I like your dinosaur.”

He looks down at the toy in his hand. Then he smiles and offers it to her. Brittany smiles even wider and glances up at you. You can’t help, but beam.

She accepts the dinosaur and gently taps it to his face making soft roaring sounds. Nick giggles and shrinks away. Brittany gives him his dinosaur back. She holds up her hand and Nick slaps it in a high five.

Brittany stands up and turns to you, “He’s amazing.” She touches your arm and runs her hand up to your shoulder.

You grin back, “He is.”

Her hand drops and she looks at Nick.

“Hey,” you try to keep the conversation moving so that things won’t get awkward. “We were about to go get something to eat. Do you want to come with us?”

“You don’t have to go back to work?” Brittany asks.

You shake your head, “I keep a flexible schedule so that I can be with Nick as much as possible. I haven’t been in all day. Do you have time?”

Brittany looks around like she’s looking for a clock, “Yeah. I have time. Where do you want to go?”

“Nick,” you pick him up, “Do you want pancakes?”

“Yes!” he throws his little hands up into the air.

You and Brittany laugh. You share a look that is far too intimate for you to be completely comfortable.

When you get to the diner and you order your food, you struggle for something to say. Nick likes coloring so he’s happy in his own little corner of the booth, leaving you to fend for yourself.

“So,” you finally say, “What are you doing for Christmas?”

Brittany takes a deep breath, “Well last show is closing next week so… I don’t know. I’ll probably watch my favorite Christmas movie and work out.”

You frown, “You’re just going to watch RENT and dance?”

She smiles, “Yeah.”

You look over at Nick. “I’m having a few people over on Christmas Eve.” That’s a lie. You were planning for it to be just you and Nick or you were going to fly to Lima. Either way: Lie. “You should come over. Nick and I decorated.”

He grins at the sound of his name, but goes back to coloring.

“That would be awesome,” Brittany smiles. It fades a little and she swallows. “Can I bring a… friend?”

That stabs you in the heart. You know what that means. She’s dating someone. You look down and check her left hand. At least she’s not engage or married. But you don’t need to date now anyway. You don’t know why you immediately want to start dating Brittany every time you see her anyway. It’s stupid.

But you do think that having Brittany in your life would be good. You’ve missed her sunshine. And Nick likes her. You really don’t know how anyone couldn’t like her.

“Of course,” you nod. “You can bring whoever you want.”

She smiles sweetly at you until the food arrives seconds later. You cut up Nick’s pancakes taking a moment to not speak. You try really hard to keep it together. Just because you run into Brittany doesn’t mean you two automatically get back together. It would be nice, but it’s not how the world works.

As she’s eating, Brittany keeps looking at Nick and then at you. One time you catch her, she smiles, “He looks just like you.”

You grin and look over at him. You’ve been told that before but coming from Brittany, the first person to ever make you feel truly beautiful, means so much more.

After lunch Brittany has another audition to go to. Before she goes though, the three of you stand on the street corner where you’re about to part.

“I don’t have to show up to the callback tomorrow if you don’t want me to,” Brittany says, squinting so that the wind doesn’t blow her hair into her eyes.

You frown, “Why wouldn’t I want you to?”

“I don’t want it to be weird for you at work. I don’t want you to feel bad if I don’t fit with your show,” Brittany says earnestly.

You shake your head, “No. Don’t worry about it. I really just look over the cast and sign it. I’m not super involved.” Lie. You’re always involved in everything. Deeply involved.

“Okay,” she smiles. Then she kneels down and opens her arms to Nick. He immediately steps in and hugs her neck. Then Brittany stands up and sweeps you up in a hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

You don’t feel like you can be fair to everyone auditioning. You worry about this as you twirl your pen between your fingers, sitting at the table in the middle of the theatre. What if you’ve already decided that no one is as good as Brittany? What if you’re subconsciously holding Brittany to an impossible standard so that she’ll fail in your mind?

You shake your head. You can be normal. You’ll just go with the casting director’s cues. She’s fair.

You do actually make some good notes about the callback dancers. Only one other dancer from Brittany’s old company made it through. But it looks like Brittany’s friend isn’t going to make it through the callback.

“I, um,” you turn to the casting director as the fifth dancer leaves the stage, “I know one of the dancers so when she comes up, I’ll let you decide.”

She looks at you funny for a minute. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you frown, “Why?”

“You’ve never said that before and I know that you’ve known some of the actors before,” she tells you, taking a sip of her coffee to punctuate.

You try to keep your professional persona up. You don’t want to mix your personal life with work, but if Brittany or Quinn or both are in the show then you’re sure that they’re going to collide sooner or later. You take a moment to ponder it, then tap your pen on the table. They’re going to collide, just not today. “I’m just trying to be fair.” You turn back to the dancer that you haven’t actually been paying attention to.

When Brittany walks up onto the stage, she’s not wearing the mask. She doesn’t even look up at you. Not that she could see you because the stage lights are up. The music starts and no matter how hard you try to not pay much attention, you’re sucked into her dance. You find yourself lost in the movement, in her extensions, and her emotion. It’s like she’s gravity – not some mass with gravity – she is gravity, pulling you around endlessly with nothing to crash upon.

The music stops and Brittany does too. You swallow and take a deep breath. You look to the casting director. She’s making notes. When she sees you looking she pushes the notes over to you. On the front of Brittany’s application she has written with her green marker, “Final Cut.”

At least you’re not the only one that thinks Brittany is amazing. The casting director uses the speaker to tell Brittany to come back on the twenty-seventh for a last audition with the rest of the dancers.

She smiles brightly and somehow finds you against the lights that usually shield you. Her eyes flicker back to the casting director and she nods, “Thank you.” Then she walks off of the stage.

After two more dancers, you glance at the stack of dancers that you still have to go through. You decide to take a breather and order lunch. The casting director heads to the restroom and you take your phone and purse outside. You step out of the front door of the theatre and call the deli down the street. You order sandwiches for everyone and tell them you’re going to pick it up.

The short walk doesn’t give you hardly any time to clear your head. It does give you time to realize that you’re starving and the sandwiches you’re carrying smell awesome.

You drop the large bag filled with little bags of chips on the ground while you try to open the theatre door.

“Let me help you with that,” a kind voice offers and you see graceful hands start to pick up the bags of chips.

“Thanks,” you start helping. When you look up at the source of the voice your eyebrows raise, “Quinn?”

She’s holding a large envelope in one hand and picking up the chips with the other. She freezes when you say her name, “Santana? What are you doing here?”

“Dropping chips everywhere,” you say and grab the last bag.

Quinn opens the door for you and steps in after you, “Are you…auditioning?”

You smirk, “Definitely not. I’m doing the work that interns should do.” You love that idea. You make a mental note to find some interns to do this crap for you. “And producing.”

“You’re producing this?” she asks, as you stand in the lobby of the theatre.

“It’s more like line producing, but right now I’m doing everything I can to get it off of the ground,” you explain to her.

“Oh,” Quinn looks different to you, but you can’t quite put a finger on it. “Well, I’m just here to drop off my headshots. Is the casting director here?”

“Yeah, c’mon,” you say and lead her to the table you’re sitting at to judge people. You drop the food on top of it and some of the background people walk over. You gesture to the chair next to yours, “If you’re in a rush you can drop them in her chair.” You put your wallet into your purse that’s in your chair.

“You saw my audition?” Quinn asks with a hint of fear in her voice.

This is not the Quinn Fabray you know. This isn’t the Quinn Fabray that you brawled with in the McKinley High hallway over pregnancies and boob jobs.

You nod, “Yeah. You did great.” You run a hand through your hair. You want to know what’s up with her so you grab two sandwiches and two bottles of water and gesture to the mezzanine.

She agrees to have lunch with you in the mezzanine answering your silent question. Once you’re seated, you hand Quinn her sandwich and water. “It’s been a while,” you mention and open your water.

Quinn nods, “Yeah. It has. The last time we talked was… three years ago?” she asks tapping her sandwich on her leg.

“I can’t believe it’s been that long.” You realize how fast time goes now that you have Nick and you see him growing before your eyes, but before that time was flying by and you had no idea. “How have you been?”

Quinn swallows and slowly unwraps her sandwich, “I’ve been better. It’s nice to be back in New York though.”

“You left?” you ask, trying to keep the conversation on Quinn so it doesn’t turn on you.

Quinn nods slowly, “My, uh, mom got sick so Rachel and I moved back to Lima for a year.”

There are so many questions you have that stem from that sentence. You ask the easiest one, “Sick?”

“Acute myeloid leukemia,” Quinn recites with a dead voice that sounds rehearsed. “She,” Quinn licks her lips, “She passed away eight months ago. Rachel and I just moved back here two weeks ago.”

You’re at a loss. “I’m so sorry Quinn.” You put your hand on her arm and she gives you a weak smile.

She takes a deep breath, “I thought you’d have heard by now.”

You shake your head, “I don’t really talk to anyone from Lima except for my parents and they were in Thailand for a while.”

“Thailand sounds nice,” Quinn smiles and attempt to steer the conversation away from herself.

You get it and go with it, “They had fun, but when they got back my mom was mad because I wouldn’t let her be around Nick until she proved that she was foreign disease-free for two weeks.”

“Nick?” Quinn asks, taking a bite of her sandwich.

You forgot that you hadn’t told Quinn about Nick yet. You just feel like everyone knows. Everyone you work with knows because if you’re not at work, you’re with him and he will occasionally accidentally answer the phone for you because he likes playing with your phone. “Nick is my son.”

Quinn stops chewing for a moment before resuming, “Do you have pictures?”

You grin. If there is one thing your phone is full of, it is pictures of your son.

After you and Quinn look through all those pictures, she shows you a few of Beth that she has on her phone. It blows your mind that Beth is already in elementary school. It seems just yesterday, that she was inside of Quinn being danced around the stage during glee club.

“God we’re old,” you mention and sip your water.

“Tell me about it,” Quinn answers.

After lunch, Quinn has to go and you have to go back to work. You exchange phone numbers (you don't tell her that you already have hers) and you walk her to the theatre door.

“I don’t want anything influencing my callback,” Quinn tells you at the door.

“Don’t worry,” you smile, “I’ll step outside.”

“Thanks,” she folds her hands in front of herself like she’s not sure what to do.

There’s something off about Quinn. She just seems so unsure of everything. You give her a hug which she reciprocates readily.

After a lingering hug, she pulls away. “And call me if you ever need anyone to babysit your little guy,” Quinn tells you with a smile.

“I definitely will,” you smile back. “Oh, I’m having a Christmas party on Christmas Eve. I hope you can make it.”

“Can I bring Rachel?” she asks.

“Of course,” you nod. The more of yours and Brittany’s mutual friends that show up, the hopefully the less awkward it will be for you.

“Great,” she pulls her coat tight around herself, “I’ll see you then.”

You watch her walk away and wonder how so much time had passed without you noticing. A hard gust of wind helps push you back inside and back to work.


	4. Chapter 4

You are go glad that you remembered to call a catering company. There’s no way you’d be able to pull off this Christmas party without them. You’re still curling your hair in your bathroom while Nick sits on your bed and watches A Charlie Brown Christmas. You’re wearing sweatpants and a tank top because the caterer has been walking in and out.

You’re glad that Quinn and Rachel are coming. If nothing else, it’ll be a good place for them to make connections. Being in Lima for a year probably set both of their careers back. You check your phone and find a slew of text messages, most of them asking for directions and your loft number. You send a mass text with directions to your loft both for cars, for those walking, and people taking the train. You may have just accidentally invited people you didn’t before, but the more people come, the less time you’ll spend staring at Brittany.

Quinn and Rachel arrive first. You’re glad that they do. Quinn plays with Nick while Rachel directs the catering traffic. You finish getting ready just as the first guests arrive. Ten minutes into the party time almost everyone has arrived and you have more bottles of wine as gifts than you could possibly drink in a year.

The doorbell rings fifteen minutes into the party and you finally see Brittany and her friend. You’re guessing boyfriend based on the hand on the small of her back.

She smiles so wide though, that you can’t be mad at her. She throws her arms around you and squeezes you tight. “Merry Christmas Eve, San.”

You close your eyes as she hugs you, “Merry Christmas Eve, Britt-Britt.” The nickname just slips from your lips, but it’s too late to take it back and you don’t know if you want to.

Brittany takes a step back and her smile fades. “Um, Santana, this is Jonathan.”

You extend your hand to him to shake it. He adjusts a large present under his arm to shake your hand, “It’s so great to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.” He has rugged good looks and the perfect scruff on his face. He has green eyes and brown hair peeking out from under his woven hat. He’s not a super big guy, but you bet he looks good in a muscle shirt.

“Nice to meet you too,” you hope that your smile doesn’t seem as forced as it actually is. You hate that you feel like this, but you always feel like Brittany is yours. You’ve felt like that since you met and now he has her.

Brittany takes the present from Jonathan and smiles, “I brought a present for Nick.”

You smile again. “You didn’t have to.”

She rolls her eyes, “Of course I did.” Then she reaches into her pocket, “I got one for you too.” She flashes the long thin box then puts it back in her pocket, “But you get it later.” She steps into your loft and looks around, “Where’s Nick?”

“I think he’s playing with Rachel and Quinn in the living room,” you tell her.

“Quinn and Rachel are here?” Brittany looks surprise, but keeps walking not waiting for an explanation.

She takes off for the living room and Jonathan follows her closely. You take your time closing the door. You need to cool off and take a step back. You need to break away from the Brittany situation and build that wall back up between the two of you.

It’s really hard to do that though because when you walk into the living room, you see her pick up Nick. He laughs and hugs her, like an innate trust in Brittany was imparted on him even before he was born. You bite your lip and reenter your living room where actors, producers, dancers, and strangers named Jonathan are gathered.

You want to check on your son so you sit down on the couch closest to your high school friends and your son. They’re in front of the gas fireplace. The grating around the fireplace is childproof so Nick can’t get too close, but you’re still anxious with him playing in front of it.

Brittany decided to sit on the ground with her long legs extended to either side of Nick’s Nike clad feet. He points over the fireplace at the two stockings hanging up and says, “Santa!” excitedly to Brittany.

You smile. You’re not sure that he really knows what Santa is or what Santa is supposed to do, but he’s excited. Brittany has so much joy on her face when she watches him. She looks up and sees the stockings over the fireplace. She looks back down at Nick who is smiling at her. She ruffles his hair and when he’s dancing away from her, he spots the present on the ground behind her.

Brittany looks around the room and her eyes land on you. She gestures to the present and you shrug. You’re going to let him open his presents after everyone left, but this one won’t hurt anything. Except maybe your heart.

Brittany sets the blue paper with the white snowmen down in front of Nick. He doesn’t even throw the cursory glance he usually gives you before ripping into it. He mastered the art of opening presents on his birthday about a month ago.

He doesn’t seem too pleased with the plain green box he finds underneath, but Brittany just smiles and pulls the lid off of the box. Nick snatches up whatever is inside faster than you can see what it is. You get a good look at it when he hugs it to his chest. It’s a stuffed green t-rex. The dinosaur has been turned into a caricature so that it’s not scary. It’s kinda cute.

“Say thank you,” you remind Nick.

Nick doesn’t let go of the dinosaur when he throws his arms around Brittany and squeals, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Brittany hugs him back, patting his back.

There’s a beeping that sounds near you and you look around to see who it is. You spot Jonathan move his jacket out of the way to look at a pager attached to his belt. He turns off the beeping and looks at Brittany who is looking at him. “I have to go.”

She nods, but doesn’t move from Nick’s arms.

“Doctor?” Rachel asks, way too interested after Jonathan walks away.

“Firefighter,” Brittany answers, not taking her eyes away from Nick. She tickles his side and he giggles.

“Santana!” you get called across the room. Brittany looks up and your eyes meet. You quickly smile and stand up. You trust Quinn, Rachel, and Brittany with Nick so you make your way across the room.

You mingle with the other producers, directors, actors, and dancers in your loft. You’re in the kitchen when the casting director you work with constantly walks in to refill her wine glass.

“Great party,” she smiles at you.

“Thanks,” you say halfheartedly.

She gestures out the door, “Did you finally decide to get a nanny?”

“What?” you ask, peering out the door. You see Brittany holding Nick who is asleep and walking toward the bedrooms. You shake your head, “No. She was my best friend in high school. First girlfriend. Love of my life who I haven’t talked to in years and is now dating a firefighter.” So much for the whole keeping work and personal life separated.

“Ooooh one of those,” she says knowingly.

You throw some ice in a glass and cover it with cranberry juice. You change the subject, “So have you seen anyone here that reminds you of the lead in the play?”

“Now that you mention it there’s a woman that I met that looks perfect for it,” she mentions leaning on the counter, “Her name was… uh Rachel?”

“That’s her,” you nod.

“Can she sing?”

“Phenomenally,” you reply honestly.

“I’m going to go talk to her some more,” the casting director tells you, “She told me that she’s been out of the acting game for a while. I want to see if she wants to come back.”

You watch her walk out and decide to go check on Nick and Brittany.

But before you can, Quinn steps into the kitchen. She smiles at you and picks up two glasses, “You didn’t tell us that you knew all these Broadway people.”

“I don’t know some of them,” you shrug.

She smiles, “Well, you’d done well for yourself.”

“Thanks,” you say and take a sip of your juice, “Where are you living at?”

Quinn grins, “In Brooklyn. I just moved into Kurt and Rachel’s apartment with them.”

“You live with them?” you ask.

She laughs, “Yeah. It’s as interesting as you’d think it is.”

You smile and picture it. You always figured that they’re apartment would be like living in Mary Poppins world. “I don’t think interesting is the word I’d use.”

Quinn smiles, “It’s really not that bad. Except that there are only two bedrooms and I have to sleep on the couch. It could be worse though. It’s a good thing that Kurt has expensive taste in furniture.”

“And Rachel moved with you to Lima?” you ask. You’ve been wondering that for a while now.

Quinn pours herself a drink, “Yeah. I came here to see her a few times and she came to see me in New Haven a few times. We used to talk on the phone a lot and when my mom got sick, I went to Lima to see her. Then when we found out how bad it was, Rachel went to Lima and stayed with me and my mom. She was really great about everything. Her dads too. I don’t think I would have made it through all that without them.” She picks up her drink and leans back on the counter, “I just feel bad sometimes because that could have been the year Rachel could have had her big break.”

You give Quinn a reassuring smile, “I think her big break is coming sooner than either one of you thinks.”

Quinn quirks an eyebrow, “Do you know something?”

“Maybe,” you grin slyly.

Quinn smiles back at you, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” you lean on the counter, trying to play it off, “Blame Rachel. If she hadn’t demanded to sing every single week for three years in high school, I wouldn’t have remembered every facet of her voice so well.”

Quinn chuckles and steps up to you, pulling you into a hug, “You should hear her from the shower.”

“Well next time she takes a shower, I’ll open my window,” you smirk, “I’m sure I can hear her from here.”

Quinn swats your arm and tries to squish a grin. She starts to step out of the kitchen, “Are you coming?”

“I’m going to go check on Nick and Britt,” you tell her.

She nods, her smile faltering a bit. “Be careful.”

You know what she means by that and her warning just drags more dread into your heart. You force a brave front and smile, “Always.”

After she walks out, you slip past people who may want to talk to you and into the hallway leading to the bedrooms. You see the light in Nick’s room on so you pop your head inside.

Brittany is putting the guards up on the sides of the bed so Nick doesn’t roll off. Then she brushes his hair away from his face and smiles at him. Something about that sight makes your heart melt. You see the dinosaur that Brittany’s gave him under his arm.

When Brittany turns around to leave the room, she sees you. She stops like she’s embarrassed and looks away. She’s quick to offer an explanation, “He fell asleep.”

You nod. “Thanks for bringing him in here.”

“He’s really great, San,” Brittany smiles softly and turns to look at him.

“Yeah,” you agree with a smile. You kneel down and turn on the nightlight, but leave the lamp on as well.

Just as soon as you stand up, Brittany envelopes you in a hug. Her arms are wrapped around your neck. You slip your arms around her waist and quietly ask, “Are you okay Brittany?”

She just holds you there for a moment, her face buried in your neck. She slowly retracts her arms, “I’m just really glad that we ran into each other again.”

“Me too,” you smile at her. It’s really true. You love being around her even if you’re not dating. She was your best friend first. She can be your best friend again.

She reaches for the door first and opens it for you. You step over to the bed to kiss Nick’s head before walking out of the room. Brittany leaves the door open a crack and peeks back inside before looking at you.

You smile automatically and walk with Brittany back to the party.

The party is a smash. Rachel gets a special audition for your play and you make some connections with a prop company owner who promises to give you a discount. Nick wakes up and wanders into the living room where you scoop him up. As soon as Quinn sees that he’s awake she asks to play with him. She seems to have a good time, but a few hours into it, after you take Nick to the kitchen to feed him, she asks Rachel to take her home.

You and Nick walk them to the door and hug Quinn. You realized walking them there that this is Quinn’s first Christmas without her mom.

“I know tomorrow is Christmas, but do you want to do something?” you ask her, “Lunch maybe?” Look at Rachel too so that she knows that she’s invited as well.

Quinn gives you a faint smile, knowing what you’re trying to do. “Sure. As long as you promise to bring Nick.” She plays with his hair and he giggles.

You hug Rachel and tell her to call you after they pick the restaurant.

Apparently Quinn and Rachel leaving made everyone feel like it was okay for them to leave as well. Soon, the only person left in your loft that doesn’t live there is Brittany.

She’s picking up the empty glasses around the living room and taking them to the kitchen.

“Those are the caterers’ glasses,” you explain to her. “They’re going to come get those later.”

“I just didn’t want Nick to get a hold of them,” she tells you.

You smile at her, “Thanks Britt.”

She washes her hands in the sink and then looks around, “I’m going to go home. I’m sure Nick wants to rip into his presents.”

Nick starts wiggling at the mention of the presents so you set him down and watch him run to the tree. You and Brittany both laugh and you add, “Why don’t you stay? Unless you have plans with Jonathan or something?”

“He texted me an hour ago and told me that he has to work,” Brittany says, “Are you sure it’s no problem?”

“Of course not,” you roll your eyes playfully. “When has you hanging out with me ever been a problem?”

She hugs you again before walking into the living room where Nick is moving all the presents around. You pick him up and set him on the couch, trying to decide what presents you’re going to give him first.


	5. Chapter 5

When you take the first presents over to him, out of the corner of your eye you find that there’s a present on the coffee table that you didn’t buy. You see that tag has your name on it in Brittany’s handwriting. You completely forgot that she got you something.

“I didn’t…” you trail off.

Brittany smiles, “Having somewhere to go on Christmas Eve is the best present. I couldn’t afford to go back to Lima and this is great. I love hanging out with you and Nick.”

You smile back, but plan to get her a present regardless. “Thank you.”

“It’s not much,” she shrugs, tucking her feet under herself and making herself comfortable in the corner of the couch.

“I’m sure it’s great,” you tell her. Whatever it is will mean the world to you.

“Train!” Nick holds up his first toy over his head.

You both turn to look at him and Brittany smiles, “That’s an awesome train, Nick.”

Nick tries to get the wooden train out of the box. Then he hands it to Brittany. She smiles at him and starts to open the box. You walk over to the tree to get the rest of the presents so you don’t have to watch Brittany be adorable with your son.

After the train is open, Brittany goes to the tree to help you. You both carry presents over to Nick and then Brittany sits down on the floor across the coffee table from the couch. You take a seat next to Nick and you both watch Nick rip through his presents.

Once all the wrapping paper is strewn all over the ground and Nick is playing with his new toys, you look at Brittany, “Are you hungry?”

Brittany nods and looks at the clock on the wall. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

“Me either,” you tell her. You stand up, “So, shall we eat the leftovers from the caterers or order take-out?” You step into the kitchen and get out the take out menus that you bound together and keep in the drawer.

Brittany looks at them and chuckles, “You eat out a lot huh?”

You shrug, “Playing with Legos takes a lot of time.”

She moves close to you so that you can both look through it. You hold your breath when you feel her arm brush yours.

She slips her arm under yours and hooks her arm around yours. She sort of leans on you to look at it and you close your eyes. You can feel her breathing against your side. You can feel her skin on your skin. You can smell her shampoo or perfume… you take a deep inhale. It’s her perfume. It smells so clean and fresh.

This is really a lot to handle. Especially around the holidays. Especially for you.

“Mommy!” Nick calls out to you.

You jump at the opportunity to disengage from Brittany and walk into the living room. His sitting on the floor amongst his new toy collection. You kneel down next to him, “What’s up little man?”

“I’m hungry,” he states.

“What do you want to eat?” you ask him.

He frowns and then shrug, “I dunno.”

You stand up and look behind you. Brittany is watching you both. You put your hand on your hip and shrug. “We’ll be getting no help from him.”

“So Chinese food?” Brittany asks, “Or pizza?”

“Pizza,” Nick mumbles trying to figure out how to connect the trains together, his face one of pure concentration.

You pull out your phone and walk back into the kitchen. You flip through the take-out book and dial the number. Once the phone is to your ear, you look to Brittany, “Still like margarita?”

“Of course,” Brittany smiles.

You nod and order the pizza. While you’re talking to the man over the phone, you get Nick a snack. It’s a small finger sandwich left over from the party. You cut it into little pieces. The you place it on a plate at the coffee table. He’s normally not allowed to eat in there, but it’s Christmas and you doubt you’ll be able to get him away from his toys.

Once the pizza is ordered, you hang up your phone and place it on the counter by Brittany. You glance over the counter into the living room to Nick. He’s munching on the sandwich as he plays, gnawing at it with his little baby teeth.

“Where are you parents?” she asks you, her forearms on the counter while her fingers play with the glass salt shaker, “It’s Christmas Eve.”

“It’s kinda my fault,” you shrug, “I never told them if I was going to Lima or if they should buy plane tickets to come up here.” You cross your arms, trying to keep your wall up between you and Brittany. Maybe if it’s a physical barrier it will be easier to keep your distance. “I just got caught up in the show I guess. And Christmas shopping for Nick took a lot of time.”

Brittany rolls the salt shaker between her hands before letting it slide back into place. She looks up you through her long eyelashes. “You’re an amazing mom.”

“Thanks,” you look down at your boots. You glance over at Nick who is completely engrossed in his toys. After a moment, you think of something that can get you out of this situation, “I’m gonna go change his diaper. Really though, help yourself to anything. I’ll be right back.”

You sweep up your son and then one of his toys so he doesn’t fuss. You carry him to his room and place him on the changing table. He really does need a diaper change. You look at him and he looks up at you. It’s like he knows you’re having a hard time. You’ve read about this though. Kids can sense when their parents are upset.

You’re quiet as you get the clean diaper out and when you turn around you see that Nick’s asleep. He must have been completely worn out from the party and the people and the presents that one nap isn’t going to do it for him. He probably still needs to eat and you still need to change his diaper. Maybe you’ll wake him up when the pizza arrives. You may have to stay up with him all night, but that wouldn’t be a first.

“She was supposed to be your mom too,” you whisper to him. “We were supposed to be together. Then when I never ran into her and I forgot. I forgot about her smile and her eyes. Her eyes just absorb me and around her I’m just – And she’s with that firefighter.” You quickly change his diaper and toss it into the diaper trashcan thing that you spent way too much money on. You shake your head and blink away tears. You mutter a few things in Spanish about how you need to get a grip.

You put Nick in his bed and cover him up. You kiss his head and whisper, “Te amo.”

You take a moment to gather yourself before walking out of his room. You find Brittany sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in her hand. There’s another one on the coffee table. The fire is still going. You walk past the couch and start to pick up Nick’s toys.

“Do you need help?” Brittany asks, starting to get up.

You shake your head, “I got it.” You pick up all the toys and carry them to his room. You place them quietly on top of his toy box.

You move back into the living room and know that there’s no way to avoid her now. You cross your arms, “Nick’s asleep.”

She nods. It was probably obvious when you didn’t come out of the room with him the first time. You notice that Nick’s sandwich mess has been cleaned up.

You sit down on the couch and pick up the glass of wine. You tuck your feet under yourself and you sip your wine.

“You never opened your present,” Brittany mentions.

You spot it sitting on the coffee table. You pick it up, “Sorry. I just got excited for Nick to open presents. He wasn’t as much fun last year.”

Brittany smiles letting you know that it’s okay and that she understands.

You look down at the present in your lap. “I should have-”

Brittany laughs, “Just open it.”

You slowly rip away the paper and find a box. When you lift up the lid of the box, you find a book. You totally forgot about this book although you used to read it every day as a kid. You look up at her with a smile, “We used to read this together.”

Brittany nods. “I know.”

You look down at the old looking copy of Winnie-The-Pooh in your hands. You didn’t meet until you could both read, but when one of you was sad or sick, you’d read this together. Brittany read it to you a lot during junior year. You open the cover and find an inscription in Brittany’s handwriting: ‘I’m glad we found each other although I always knew we would. I’ve missed you. I’m glad I don’t have to anymore. Love, Brittany.’

Below it she wrote her favorite quote. It’s highlighted and underlined in the copy that’s in a box in your parents’ attic. “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”

You feel the tears drip down onto your hands before you realize that you’re crying. You scoot over onto the couch and wrap your arms around Brittany. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

“I can’t believe you’d think I’d forget,” Brittany whispers back. You feel her hand cup the back of your head. Her other hand rests in the middle of your back.

You pull away and wipe your eyes, “Thank you so much.”

There’s a buzz at your door. You stand up and walk to the front door. You press the button and hear the doorman, “Pizza, Ms. Lopez.”

“Thanks Larry,” you say and walk to the bedroom to find your purse. It’s on your nightstand and you grab your wallet.

When you walk through the kitchen to get to the front door, Brittany is refilling the wine. When she catches you looking, you smile and she smiles back. You almost run into the front door because you’re looking at her. You stop mere inches from a concussion. A second later, there’s a knock on the door and you open it.

You open your wallet and dig around. You find a twenty and grab an extra twenty for the tip. This poor kid is working on Christmas Eve. He smiles when you give him the money and tell him that you don’t need change. He wishes you happy holidays and you do the same before taking the pizza and walking inside.

Brittany waited for you in the kitchen and follows you to the living room with the wine. You go to Nick’s room, but he looks just so worn out that you let him sleep. If he wakes up, you’ll have him eat. You also saw Rachel, Quinn, and Brittany feed him throughout the party. He’ll be okay until he wakes up.

“So how’s dancing going?” you ask Brittany as you both eat he pizza right out of box.

Brittany shrugs, “I went on tour for a while. It was fun, but when we got back they had to cut the number of dancers. Then I joined this company a few weeks ago, but they’re going bankrupt. So I’m auditioning again. I thought it would be good to try out for a few shows on Broadway and stop moving around for a while.”

You toss half of the crust of your second piece of pizza back into the back and lean back on the couch. “Where are you living at?”

“West Harlem,” Brittany answers. “On 142nd and Broadway.”

You really don’t like that at all. Brittany does not belong in Harlem. Even the less crime heavy, but still ridiculously dangerous, West Harlem.

“How is that?” you ask dryly.

She chuckles because she knows your tone, “It’s not that bad.”

You take a deep breath, “Do you have roommates?”

Brittany nods. “They’re dancers too. It’s safe, I promise.”

You still don’t like it, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Well, of course there is. You’re Santana Fucking Lopez. You bite your lip before taking a bite of your pizza, trying to figure out how to do something about it.  

You continue to catch up. You both carefully tiptoe about the subject of Jonathan. You’re not sure why she is, but you know why you are.

Finally after you both put up the pizza and the wine, she picks up her purse. “I should probably get going.”

“You can stay,” you offer. You know you shouldn’t, but you hope beyond hope that she will.

She looks so conflicted that you want to retract your statement and call her a cab, but you find you don’t need to when she answers in a low voice, “I shouldn’t.”

There’s something else in her voice that makes you feel like there’s more to that. She only gave you the beginning of the answer. You hate that the end was open because so many thoughts are flying through your mind. You nod. “Of course.”

“It’s not that I-” She tries, but can’t really get anything out.

You shake your head. “You don’t have to explain. Just – Let me put you up in the hotel across the street,” you offer, bordering on pleading. “It’s dark outside . Crime spikes over the holidays.” You pause to gauge her reaction. She looks like she’s starting to become receptive to that idea. “I’ll go get Nick and we’ll check you in.”

You start to turn around, but Brittany catches your wrist as you’re turning, “No. That’s too much,” Brittany shake her head, “He’s asleep.”

“Brittany, I’m not going to let you -“

Brittany cuts you off with a soft chuckle and a smile, “I’ll stay.”

So you happily get Brittany some blankets and a pillow for the couch. Then you get her clothes to wear and she steps into the guest bathroom to change. When she comes out in the sweat pants and t-shirt with her hair in a loose ponytail, she hugs you, “Goodnight Santana.”

“Goodnight Britt,” you smile.

“Merry Christmas,” she whispers and just holds you against her.

You’re more than content to just stand there and be with her. However eventually she pulls back and stands in front of you with a soft smile on her face.

You bite your bottom lip for a moment before smiling, “Goodnight.” You give her one last once over before retreating to your room.

You go to your bedroom and change. You smile the whole time. This is just like it was in high school except she’s sleeping down the hallway. One of your favorite parts was interacting with Brittany right after she wakes up. She’s so cute and groggy.

You grab an extra pillow to give to Brittany and walk down the hallway to tell her that she can turn the fire off if she gets too hot. 

As you walk, you hear her talking. It sounds like she’s in the kitchen. You step into the living room, lit only by the fire, and listen. “Yeah. I’m just going to stay here tonight…. I’m fine…Be careful…I love you too. Bye.”

You can feel your heartbeat in your ears. You drop the pillow on the couch and walk to your bedroom as quietly as possible. Why did you think that because you were friends again that things would go back to the way they were and she would be yours? Why did you get your hopes up? Why didn’t you stop yourself? Your stupid wall didn’t go up around her. You just fooled yourself into thinking that you had the emotional fortitude to not fall in love with her all over again.

You fall into your bed and pull your blankets up over your body. Your body is trembling with anger. You’re so mad at yourself. You’re so fucking stupid for letting her get to you. She even brought her fucking boyfriend over into your apartment and you still dove headfirst into her eyes.

You don’t get to silently cry alone for very long because Nick come shuffling into your room, looking sleepy. You pick him up and put him on your bed. He lays down immediately on one of your extra pillows and closes his eyes.

You smile at him and run your hand over his hair. It is always sticking up in insane directions when he sleeps. He doesn’t open his eyes to mumble, “Sing, Mama.”

You lick your lips and try to think of a song that doesn’t have to do with love or break-ups.  You can’t really think of any and just go with the first song you think of. It’s slow and soft. You can hear the guitars quietly playing in your head as you sing Nick back to sleep.

You find that you’re exhausted so you just go to sleep after the song. You can sort out your feelings in the morning.

When the morning comes, you wake up and find yourself alone in bed. You quickly jump out of bed and walk quickly down the hallway, ducking your head into Nick’s room to find it empty.

Then you walk into the living room and find Nick with Brittany. They’re both sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. Brittany is moving a train around making noises with her mouth and Nick it watching her intently. Brittany softly runs the train into Nick’s foot and he giggles. You can see a bowl on the coffee table next to Nick where he’s grabbing cheerios to eat.

You let out a soft sigh. The rush of waking up and realizing that Nick was gone really woke you up. Not that you’re going to forgo coffee, but you’ll put it off as you walk to the couch and sit down next to the folded sheets.

“Merry Christmas,” Brittany looks up and gives you a smile.

“Merry Christmas,” you smile back.

Nick stands up and walks over to you. You pick him up and put him in your lap, “Merry Christmas, baby.” You kiss his forehead.

He hugs you and rests his head on your shoulder. You look at Brittany, “He hasn’t been up long has he?”

Brittany shakes her head. “Just a few minutes.”

“Thanks,” you tell her. You turn to Nick, “I’m going to go make some coffee. I’ll be right back.”

Brittany follows you into the kitchen. She leans on the counter while you make the coffee. You try to ignore her, but it’s hard when your back tingles every time she looks at you. “Any plans for Christmas Day?”

“I’m meeting some friends at a dance studio in an hour,” Brittany says. She pauses, “Thank you so much for letting me stay for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.”

“It’s no problem,” you tell her. “You’re always welcome here.”

She steps up to you and gives you a hug. You can feel her strong arms wrap around your waist. Her entire body is pressed against your front. You wrap your arms around her neck and rest your head against hers. You close your eyes and just feel. You feel the warmth that encircles you and the sparkling feeling of still hot ashes landing all over your skin.

The coffee maker beeping pulls you out of your warm, happy place. You loosen your grip on her and she retreats the rest of the way with a bashful smile.

“Do you want some coffee before you go?” you ask her.

“That would be great,” she smiles.

She goes to change while you make her coffee the way she always liked and then take a bagel out for her to eat on the way. Her show has gone under and she lives in one of the least expensive (and most crime heavy) areas of the island. You’re sure that money is getting tight for her. She may have Jonathan and he may pay for some of her things, but you know she won’t let him take care of everything. You still want to help.

Brittany walks back into the kitchen with Nick in her arms. He’s playing with a doll that Santa brought him. “Nick found his stocking,” Brittany tells you.

You lift him out of her arms and shake your head. “Well Santa didn’t hide it very well behind the couch.”

You hand Brittany the travel mug full of coffee and the bagel. She smiles, “Thank you so much.” She looks at Nick, tickling his tummy before ruffling his hair. She drops a kiss on his forehead and then hugs you one last time before she leaves.

You make yourself some coffee one handed and then take Nick back into the living room to go through his stocking. You know that you didn’t make plans with Brittany to meet again later. It doesn’t matter. You need to distance yourself from her anyway.

And you need to focus on Christmas with your son.


	6. Chapter 6

After Nick gets everything out of his stocking, you get a text from Quinn asking if you want to meet her and Rachel for brunch. You didn’t eat yet so you agree. Then you move Nick to the floor of your bedroom so you can take a shower.

It’s a quick shower. Right after you blow dry your hair and get dressed. You dress Nick up in some of his cute clothes and then pack up some of his toys in the diaper bag. You love this diaper bag that your mom got you. It looks like a purse.

You and Nick walk into the restaurant that Quinn picked out. It’s light and bright inside. It seems like a happy place where people come for brunch and mimosas. The hostess smiles brightly at you, “Can I help you?”

“I’m looking for Fabray,” you tell her.

She checks her chart and then says, “Right this way.”

She leads you through the tables and you find Quinn and Rachel sitting down at a table for four. When Quinn sees you, she stands up and picks Nick up. It’s so weird how you don’t like other people touching him, but with Quinn and Brittany you’re fine. You even don’t mind Rachel holding him if Quinn is close.

“Hey little man,” Quinn smiles and Nick smiles back.

You’re not gonna lie, the first time you saw Quinn holding Beth you felt a little something in your lady loins. Quinn has just always seemed like a natural mom and there’s something so attractive about her interacting with kids. Even Sam’s brother and sister. She’s just natural. Smart, cunning, and fiercely protective. She’s like a mama lion.

Rachel rounds the table and gives you a hug, “Merry Christmas, Santana.”

You smile, “Happy Hanukah.”

“That ended a few days ago, but thank you,” Rachel smiles, “I actually celebrated Christmas this year.”

“I wasn’t going to, but Rachel insisted,” Quinn shoots a knowing look to Rachel before hugging you with her free arm. She then takes your son and sits down in her chair.

You sit down and set the diaper bag in the chair next to you. The server walks up to you and smiles, “What can I get you ladies to drink?”

“Orange juice,” Rachel says, “And coffee place.”

“Same,” Quinn agrees.

You smile at the server, “Same, and a water.”

“I’ll get that right out,” the server smiles back then turns to Quinn, “Can I get you a high chair?”

“Oh no,” Quinn shakes her head, “He’s not getting put down.”

You and Rachel laugh. The server walks off to get your drinks, leaving you to yourselves.

However before anyone can say anything, Rachel’s phone rings. She looks at the screen, “Excuse me. It’s my dads.” She stands up and walks toward the front of the restaurant. You catch Quinn watching her leave with a worried expression.

“What’s up?” you ask her.

Quinn shakes her head, “They wanted her to come to Lima for the holidays, but… I couldn’t. Just the thought of it…” she trails off and takes a deep breath. She rubs Nick’s back, “So she stayed with me.”

You nod. You didn’t really expect anything else. “I don’t think you could have gotten her in Lima unless you drugged her and put her on the plane in one of those Chihuahua carriers.”

“I just feel bad,” Quinn shrugs. She spots who you assume to be Rachel behind you and smiles, “Anyway, how was your Christmas Eve?”

Rachel smiles as she seats herself, “That was a great party you threw.”

“Oh yeah?” you ask with a knowing smile.

Rachel beams even wider, “Whatever you did, thank you so much. I have an audition tomorrow.”

“I hardly did anything,” you shrug it off.

The server comes back with your drinks and you order whatever Quinn is having. Nick is going to eat off of your plate so you just let him play with Quinn.

“How was your Christmas Even night?” Rachel asks. She turns to Nick and says in a voice most people use talking to babies, “Did you open presents?”

Nick grins and nods, “And Brinny.”

Quinn and Rachel both look at you. Quinn quirks an eyebrow, “You opened presents and Brittany?”

You quickly shake your head, “No. He opened presents and Brittany was there.”

“All night?” Quinn asks. She has that look on her face like she can’t believe you did something stupid. You got that look a lot sophomore year of high school.

You roll your eyes because she can make you feel worse about things you did wrong than your own mother could, “It’s not like that. She stayed for dinner because she was going to be alone on Christmas Eve and she watched Nick open his presents and I didn’t want her to leave because it was dark and she lives in _Harlem_. She slept on the couch and left early this morning.”

Rachel looks at Quinn, apparently going to follow her lead as far as reactions go. Quinn swallows and states in a low voice, “Okay.”

You look down at the table. “I know she has a boyfriend. I know that just because we run into each other again, doesn’t mean our cycle starts over.” You tap the side of your hand on the table with the beginning of each sentence.

Quinn nods and smoothes out your son’s ever flaring hair, “I know you know it. I still want you to be careful.”

“I’m trying,” you say softly.

Quinn reaches across the table and takes your hand. You force a smile. She knows it’s forced, but smiles back anyway. Then Nick starts playing with her hair so Quinn turns to him with a huge smile on her face, “Is that my hair? Can you say Aunt Quinn?”

You roll your eyes at Quinn assuming that she’s Aunt Quinn, but secretly know that she’s right. Quinn’s been your sister from day one of Cheerio camp.

Rachel leans over and starts talking to Nick as well. You suppose that Rachel can be Aunt Rachel as well because she lives with Quinn and all.

Over brunch you talk about the lives your lead since parting ways. Rachel went from being NYADA’s premiere student to running the Lima community theatre during the year she and Quinn spent there. Quinn graduated Magna Cum Laude from Yale’s drama program, wondering why her mom wasn’t in the audience to packing up her life in Connecticut in a matter of hours and flying to Lima.

“What about you?” Quinn asks, feeding Nick some of her steamed vegetables. “You’ve been busy.”

“Just being a mom,” you shrug. You think you know what Quinn is getting at, but you don’t want to offer an answer to a question she didn’t mean to ask.

Quinn seems to take the hint and avoids the subject of Nick’s conception. The rest of brunch goes great and they both tell you that they’ll see you the next day at their auditions. They both subtly threaten you when the other is playing with Nick to not influence their audition in any way. You roll your eyes at both of them and tell them that you’ll do what you want.

Then you take Nick back to your apartment. You let Nick play with his toys while you work a little bit. He’s sitting on the floor and you’re sitting on the couch with a careful eye on your little boy.

You change into some sweat pants and a tank top. Then you give up trying with your contacts and go for your glasses that you try desperately not to wear. You even have to dust them off before you put them on.

After running through some numbers, there’s a knock on your door. You quirk an eyebrow and turn to look at the door like you can see through it. You stand up and ruffle Nick’s hair, “I’ll be right back, Nick-Nick.” You run a hand through your hair. The doorman didn’t buzz so it must be one of your neighbors. You try to remember is any of them gave you any keys to their apartments, but you don’t think so.

Of course you secretly hope that it’s Brittany, but you highly doubt it. She’s probably with Jonathan.

That was not a fun thought. You unlock the door and open it. Your thoughts are abruptly ended when you see your parents standing at the door.

“Mom and Dad,” you say, still in a state of shock.

Your mom sweeps you up into her arms, “You never told us if you were coming to Lima so we came to you.” She lets go of you and walks past you into your apartment, “Where’s my grandson?”

Your dad shifts around some presents under his arm and pulls you into a hug. “I tried to call you to warn you, but your mother wouldn’t let me.”

You chuckle and take a step back from your dad, “It’s fine. I should have called.” You let him in and then close the door behind him, “How did you get past the security guard?”

“I gave him twenty dollars and your mother showed him pictures of you and Nick to prove that we knew you,” your dad chuckles and walks toward the living room with you.

When you get there, Nick is looking at your mom like she’s nuts while she babbles on in Spanish about how cute he is. You don’t really talk to him in Spanish a lot so it must seems weird to him.

“Merry Christmas,” your mom finally rests Nick on her hip and turns to you.

Your dad presents you with a present. It’s a small box wrapped in silver.  Your mom goes on to explain, “That’s not the whole present, but the other part is that your father and I will come up here any weekend you want so that you can go on a little vacation for yourself. You can use our lake house if you want.”

You nod although you’re sure you won’t take it. Sitting alone, by yourself on the shore of the Great Lakes isn’t all that appealing to you. Your dad gives Nick the other present that’s under his arm and your mom sits Nick on the couch to open it. Both of your parents sit on either side of him so you move to the opposite couch and open your own present.

When you slowly rip open the present, keeping your eye on Nick who is taking his time, you find a jewelry box. You slowly open it and find a stunning diamond necklace. All the diamonds cascade across the neck until it comes to a point in the middle.

You must have been gaping at it longer than you though because your mom is not seated next to you. She puts her arm around you and puts her hands on your arms, “Since you’re working on this new show and it’s really your own this time, you’d need something to wear to opening night.”

You turn to your mom and hug her, “Thank you so much. This is beautiful.”

Your mom pats your back, “You deserve it.”

After a short, shared moment, you turn to your son who is opening up his present. He becomes excited when he finds a plush Snoopy. He scoots to the edge of the couch and turns around so that he can slide down. Then he runs down the hallway, holding onto Snoopy’s ear while the stuffed dog drags across the hardwood floor. He disappears into this room and then returns with his stuffed dinosaur under one arm and Snoopy under the other. Then he sets them down and sits next to them to play with his trains.

“He’s so smart,” your dad comments, looking at you.

You can’t help, but beam. Your son is really smart.

“Have you been reading him Winnie-The-Pooh?” your mom asks, picking up the book that has been sitting on your coffee table since you opened it. Your mom seems to find her answer when she opens up the front cover. “Brittany?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “We ran into each other. Sorta.” You readjust your glasses and run a hand through your hair.

“Sorta?” your mom asks curiously.

You shrug, “She auditioned for my show and then we hung out.” You look over at Nick. He’s squirming around which leads you to believe that he needs a new diaper. “I’m gonna go change Nick.”

You pick him up, but don’t get very far because your dad takes him from you, “Let me.” Your dad smiles and walks with Nick to his bedroom. You smile after them. Your dad didn’t really know how to handle you as you got older so there was a little distance between the two of you, but he’s so great with Nick when they’re together.

“Do you want some tea or something?” you ask your mom.

“Sure,” she nods. “I’ll come with you.”

You walk into the kitchen and start the kettle on the stove. While you’re waiting for it to heat up, you open your cabinet and pull out a box of tea. That one box decides to pull another box down with it and soon you’re being pelted with boxes of tea. Well maybe not pelted, but there are now four boxes of tea on the floor and a few individual packets on the ground.

You hear your mom say, “I’ll get it.” You don’t know what she’s getting, but she’s certainly not helping you pick up the tea.

“Oh Brittany!” your mom says, “We were just talking about you.”

You immediately stand up and see Brittany standing in the doorway. You really need to have a talk with your security guard about announcing people. Brittany’s eyes find yours as she follows your mom inside. Brittany has the travel mug you lent her in her hand.

“I just came to return this,” she tells you and places it on the counter, “I washed it.”

“Thanks,” is all you manage to get out because at that moment you remember that you’re wearing your glasses and sweatpants. You must looks like a hot mess.

“Are you parents in town?” your mom asks Brittany.

Brittany shakes her head, “They’re in Lima.” She looks nervous which is not something she’s ever really been around your parents. Brittany catches your eyes and quietly says, “I brought something for Nick too.”

She reaches into the pocket of her jacket and pulls out a small stuffed unicorn. You recognize it because Brittany’s had it since you can remember. She looks it over, fluffing it’s rainbow mane. “It’ll protect him, you know?” she looks up from it to you and then offers it to you. “I figured it would be okay even though him playing with a unicorn doesn’t conform to the archaic gender roles placed on today’s children by society because you’re an awesome mom.”

You smile to yourself about Brittany’s hidden genius. You slowly take it from her, “Are you sure? This is… your favorite thing ever.” It always was her favorite toy. When she was scared you used to tell her that her unicorn would protect her.

“It’s not my favorite thing ever,” Brittany shakes her head. “You are. And Nick is.” She looks really sad when she says it and you just want to hug her.

You step forward, holding the unicorn in your hand. You wrap your arms around her neck, “Nick will love him.” You take a step back and take Brittany’s hand. You carefully cradle her hand, palm up in yours. You place the unicorn in it. “I want you to give it to him.”

Brittany nods slowly, “Okay. Where is he?”

“I suppose you’re looking for this little guy,” your dad walks back into the kitchen with Nick. He smiles when he sees Brittany, “Hey! How are you Brittany?”

“Great,” Brittany smiles. You know she’s smiling genuinely because Nick is smiling at her.

Nick starts squirming and when your dad puts him down, Nick runs to Brittany, running right into her knees. Brittany laughs and picks him up. “Hey Nick.”

“Brinny!” Nick squeals. He stops when he sees the unicorn. He looks from it to her. You lean on the counter at the realization that Nick and Brittany can communicate without speaking. He’s wondering if the toy in her hand is for him.

“This is my – your unicorn,” Brittany hands it to him, “He doesn’t have a name, but you can give him one if you want.”

You look at your mom who is standing with your dad. He puts his arm around her as they both watch Brittany give away her favorite childhood toy to your son. You know that they both know how important that was to her. There were a few times that your mom drove you and Brittany to Brittany’s house in the middle of the night because she forgot the unicorn.

You cross your arms and know that this wall you’re trying to hold up is falling down so fast that there’s really nothing you can do.


	7. Chapter 7

Your mom finally speaks up, “That was very kind of you Brittany.”

Brittany just bashfully smiles. She ruffles Nick’s hair and looks at you, “I have to go. I just stopped by to drop that stuff off.”

You step up to her and take Nick from her. She slips her arm around your waist as you start to back away, so you don’t get far. You hug her and Nick does as well.

“Are you sure you can’t stay?” your mom asks, “I was about to make tamales.”

Brittany pauses. You know that she loves your mom’s tamales, as does half of Lima. But she shakes her head, “I really have to go. I’m sorry.” She hugs your parents, “But it was nice to see you.”

“Great to see you too honey,” your mom says. “It’s good to know you’re in New York. I worry about Santana and Nick up here all alone.”

“They’re not alone,” she casts you a quick glance before saying her last goodbyes and leaving.

You don’t know how she gets to you like she does, but you can feel her all around you. Something about her lingers with you every time she leaves. You feel Nick moving around in your arms and shift your focus to him.

You know the unicorn in his arms means so much to Brittany and the fact that she gave it to Nick… it just touches you so deeply. It also blurs some lines between the two of you even more than they already are.

Luckily, you don’t get to dwell on it long because your parents insist on taking you and Nick shopping.

Your dad takes Nick into the toy store almost immediately and you and your mom walk into the boutique next door. As you’re looking through tops, your mom peers over the rack at you, “What’s going on with you and Brittany?”

You’ve heard that question before and it stops you in your tracks. You look back down at the top in your hand, “Nothing. She auditioned for my show and we’ve been hanging out.”

“I seem to remember a lot of hanging out in high school,” your mom says playfully.

You try to smile, but it’s hard. You wish it was that kind of hanging out that you did in high school. With the kisses and the cuddling. And the marathon sex when your parents were out of town. Right now, you could do with a single, one-night stand. Of course with someone other than Brittany. She could never be a one-night stand to you.

“What’s wrong?” your mom asks, appearing right next to you.

You shake your head and start sorting through clothes again. When you don’t answer her, she just stands next to you with that look on her face. The one that always guilts you into telling her what’s wrong. You huff, “Brittany has a boyfriend. She brought him to my Christmas party. And… she’s so great with Nick. She’s… who I was going to have kids with and now…” You’re getting choked up so you clear your throat and avoid your mother’s eyes, “It doesn’t matter. It’s a stupid high school dream.”

“Oh, mi amor,” she puts her arm around you, “Brittany’s crazy if she doesn’t want to be with you.”

You wave her off, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t have time for dating anyway. I have Nick and the show. I don’t need anything else.”

Your mom make a humming noise that means she doesn’t approve, but you ignore her and pull out a top, “You have to try this one on.”

Your mom just goes with your suggestion, but gives you a sympathetic look. You physically turn her around and gently push her toward the dressing room.

You shop for a few more hours. Nick gets his Abuelo to buy him more toys than he has room for. When you all go back to your apartment, your mom makes tamales. You help her and she doesn’t bring up your dating life anymore. Sometimes when Nick walks in with his unicorn, you catch her shooting you a sad look. You just ignore her because you don’t want to deal with whatever is going on with you.

While you’re all eating, your mom asks you what you’re doing tomorrow. You tell her that final auditions are tomorrow so you have to go to the theatre.

“Can we keep an eye on Nick for the day?” your dad asks, “While you’re at work?”

You smirk. Your dad loves Nick so much. You think if your mom would let him, he’d buy the apartment next door and retire so that he could spend all day with Nick. You nod, “Sure.”

“You can’t watch him all day,” your mom tells him, “We have an appointment.”

“To do what?” you ask, digging out the masa and humming when you eat it.

“A friend of mine is going to give us a tour of the UN Building,” your mom explains. “At noon. It’ll only take a few hours.”

“You can just bring Nick to me when you go to your appointment,” you shrug. “I’ll take him to lunch with me.”

“We’ll pick him up at two,” your dad states.

Your mom tries to huff, but it’s more of a chuckle. She thinks your dad is cute too.

After dinner, your parents do the dishes and then go back to their hotel. You’re still not sure how long they’ll be in town, but you’re glad that they’re here.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

The casting director calls up the next person. You tap your stylus on your tablet. You don’t know why you’re nervous. Okay, that’s a lie. You know why you’re nervous. Brittany is here. But that’s really no reason to be nervous.

But when the casting director calls Brittany up, you almost break the stylus in your hand. She steps out in black hot pants and a loose tank top over a blue sports bra.

Your eyes are locked onto her as she moves across the stage with the music. She’s gotten better since you last saw her. So much better. She’s beautiful. Everything about how she moves just gets to you.

“She’s got it,” the casting director whispers and circles Brittany’s name in green.

You exhale and nod. She’s the right choice. You’re just glad that you don’t have to be here all the time to watch them rehearse. You don’t know how you’re going to deal with being around her during this whole process. You’ve been involved in smaller shows where you had to help with costume fittings and measurements. You don’t know how you’d handle having to watch someone measure her or have to help her put a belt on.

By the time you’re done worrying about interacting with her, she’s gone. After two more dancers, one who makes it and one who doesn’t you feel something hit your side.

You look down and see Nick smiling up at you.

“Hey sweetie,” you pick him up and set him in your lap.

The casting director leans over, “Hey buddy.” She offers her hand to him and he slaps it.

Your parents walk up to you. Your dad smiles, “He’s fast.”

“Yeah,” you nod. Then you look over at the casting director, “Are we okay to take a lunch break?”

She looks over the schedule, “Absolutely. We’ll starting with our lead.”

You quirk an eyebrow, “She’s the lead already?”

The casting director smiles, “This is just a formality. I think I’m in love with her.”

You know that she’s joking, but it still sounds kinda weird that someone you know is in love with Rachel Berry.

The casting director stands up and introduces herself to your parents. They’re all polite before your mom ushers your dad out of the theatre.

“I’m gonna call lunch,” she tells you.

You stand up and put your coat on, then grab your purse. Then you pick up Nick who has his unicorn under his arm. “I’ll be back around one forty-five.”

“Make it two,” she tells you, “I’m getting a manicure in Queens.” She leans down to the microphone and announces, “We’ll be taking a break until two.”

You can hear groans from backstage so you tell the casting director to order them pizza or something. You make sure that she orders something vegan just in case Rachel’s still into that. Then you look down at your little man, “Ready to go?”

He looks sleepy, but nods anyway.

You walk out to the parking lot and unlock your car before you get there. You open the backseat and place Nick in his car seat. He hates it, but there’s no way he’s not sitting in it. You kiss his head after you clip him in and then get into the driver’s seat.

You stick the key in the ignition and turn it. You curse in Spanish so that Nick can’t understand you. Today is really not the day for your car to break down. You only drove it because it was raining and you had to pick up Nick. Otherwise you just would have walked. You haven’t gotten new car since high school because it worked just find when you were in college and you don’t really use it that often anymore.

You look back at Nick. He’s content, playing with his unicorn and his dinosaur. You pick up your phone to call your auto club. You find the contact in your phone and just as you’re about to press send there’s a tap on your window.

You jump a little, but when you see that it’s Brittany, you roll the window down.

She grins, “Car trouble.” There’s a polka dotted umbrella over her head.

You nod, “Yeah. It won’t start.”

“Try again,” she says.

You try it again. It makes a weird noise and then it dies. You have no clue what could be going on with it. Brittany has a look on concentration on her face and finally says, “Pop the hood.”

You roll up your window as she walks to the hood. You pull the latch, seeing the hood pop up. You turn around and tell Nick that you’ll be right back. You get out of your car with your umbrella and watch Brittany look around your engine with her umbrella in her hand. You gently take the umbrella from her and hold it over her head. She shoots you a smile before going back to looking at the engine.

As you stand there, you wonder who is going to teach Nick these things. Not just working on engines, but life things. You live in New York. The life things you know and the ones he’ll learn here don’t necessarily translate to everywhere else.

Then you get this terribly wonderful image in your head of Nick and Brittany working on a dirt bike when he gets older. You can see them both walking into the kitchen talking about things you don’t understand with dirt and oil on their shirts and harms.

“Santana?” you hear her say.

“Huh?” you ask, snapping back into reality.

“You okay?” she asks, concerned.

You nod, “Yeah. I’m fine. Just zoned out.”

“Okay, well you can try to start it again,” she tells you, taking her umbrella back.

You get into your car and the engine starts immediately. Brittany walks to the window and you roll it down again. “Thank you,” you smile.

“No problem,” she stands up like she’s about to walk away.

“Hey,” you say, “Where are you going?”

“Home, I guess,” she shrugs.

“Let me drive you,” you offer. “It’s the least I could do after the millionth time you’ve fixed my car.”

She thinks about it and then glances in the backseat. Nick is waving at her and she waves back. Then she nods, “Okay.”

She walks around your car and carefully gets in the passenger’s seat so that no rain gets in. She puts on her seatbelt and you pull away from the theatre. You watch her reach for the glove compartment out of the corner of your eye. She stops halfway. You know that old habits die hard and that one must not be an exception. Brittany always used to reach right for your iPod that you kept in your glove compartment because you never plugged it in until she got into the car. Of course you never really went anywhere without her.

You smile and break the silence, “It’s probably still in here.”

You don’t look to see her smile, but you can feel it. She reaches forward and opens the glove compartment. She extracts your fairly old iPod and dusts it off. Then she unwraps the cord from around it and plugs it into your car. She picks a nice calm song as you make your way toward Harlem.

“Are you hungry?” she asks.

You think it over. You could eat. “Yeah. Nick’s probably hungry. Why?”

“There’s a place I love that’s right on the river. It’s pretty small, but the view is awesome,” she offers.

You smile, “Tell me how to get there.”


	8. Chapter 8

You had to park a block away from the restaurant, but you don’t mind. You let Nick walk by himself for a few feet, holding your umbrella over his and Brittany’s heads before he stops and wants Brittany to hold him. She, of course, picks him up immediately. It really gets straight to your heart when he lays his head on her shoulder.

You walk next to Brittany, holding the umbrella over her head as you make your way to this restaurant. He’s asleep by the time you get to the front door, but Brittany doesn’t seem to mind. The restaurant is really small, but smells amazing.

You’re seated at a booth against the left wall. You offer to take Nick, but Brittany waves you off and sits down with him in her arms.

The waiter is really young and sweet. He seems to recognize Brittany. She asks if she can order for the three of you and you nod. You trust her.

After the waiter walks off, Brittany smiles at you, “So, I got the part.”

You can’t help, but smile at the look in her eyes. She’s so excited and proud of herself. Maybe there’s a little something in there that means she wants you to be proud of her too. “I’m not surprised. You killed all of your auditions.”

She smiles bashfully. “Thanks.”

When the food arrives, it looks really good. It tastes as good as it looks and you tell Brittany. She just smiles and thanks you for coming with her to eat lunch.

The check comes and you automatically reach for it. She snatches it up and smirks, “I have a job now. I got it.”

You smile. You have to ask though, “Are you sure?”

She nods. She readjusts Nick in her arms and reaches into her pocket. She drops some cash on the table and scoots out with Nick safe in her arms.

You hold the umbrella over her head again as you walk back to your car. You open the back seat door for her to put Nick in. It’s weird that you don’t really trust anyone besides your parents to put Nick in a car seat, but you watch Brittany carefully make sure he’s seated correctly and securely buckled. Your breath catches as you realize that she did everything right and then fixed his hair.

She stands up out of the car more quickly than you anticipate and you don’t have a chance to move out of the way. She pauses when she realizes exactly how close she is to you. She’s so close and suddenly everything gets louder. The tapping of the rain on the plastic canvas of the umbrella. The cars that drive by and the splashing of their tires through the puddles. Your own heartbeat.

This is the moment in the movies when she dips her head down and kisses you. This is the climax of the movie when everyone knows that it’ll turn out okay because the two leads were meant to be.

Her eyes flicker away from you and you remember that real life isn’t like the movies. She’s not going to kiss you. You take deep breath and step away. You move so that she can close the door and then you open the passenger door for Brittany, holding the umbrella steadily over her.

She smiles and starts to get in. Before she sits down though, she moves forward and kisses your cheek. Her lips linger, burning a hole through your skin. “Thank you,” she says and sits down.

You close the door and take a moment to gather yourself before walking to the driver’s door.

The only words between the two of you after that are directions to her apartment. Her building is very plain on the outside and a weird shade of green-grey, but you don’t say anything.

She thanks you for the ride and tells you that she’ll see you at rehearsals tomorrow.

As you drive off, you have too much silence around you. Your cheek is still tingling from the kiss. You don’t know what it was for or what she thought she was doing, but you don’t think it was fair. You feel like you’re being lead on, but the worst part is, you like playing the game. You like pretending that Brittany is not in love with a hunky firefighter. You like playing the part of the woman she’s in love with. You like imagining that some weekends you’ll wake up in the morning and she’ll be laying next to you with her arms around you. Then you’ll both take Nick to the park.

And now you’re not being fair to yourself. You need to stop. You’re just torturing yourself.

=+=+=+=+=+=+

Your parents are waiting in the theatre when you get there. They’re laughing with the casting director. You move Nick in your arms. He’s still asleep when you hand him over to your mom. “He slept through lunch so she’s going to be hungry.”

Your parents hug you and leave with your son. When you sit down, the casting director asks, “How was lunch?”

“It was fine,” you say evenly and get out your tablet. You just want to get this show on the road. You move the microphone over to you, “C’mon out Berry.”

Rachel walks right out onto the stage. She tucks some hair behind her ear and steps up to center stage.

You lean forward to talk into the microphone, “What are you going to be singing for us today Rachel?”

“I’m going to be singing the song People from the iconic musical Funny Girl,” she says professionally.

You groan and it makes it into the microphone. Rachel chuckles on stage.

“I can sing something else if you want me to,” she offers with a smile.

The casting director takes the microphone from you, “Do you know Don’t Rain On My Parade?”

You drop your head on the desk. Of course when she sings, it’s flawless. And when she’s done you look at the casting director.

She takes the microphone, “Welcome to the cast, Ms. Berry.”

Rachel beams, “Thank you so much.”

“Rehearsal starts tomorrow at nine,” you tell her.

When the casting director looks away, Rachel makes the gesture for you to call her. You nod and then she walks off of the stage.

It takes a few more people for you to get to Quinn’s audition. Rachel is the only person that needed to sing this time so Quinn is doing a monologue. You do as you promised and step out of the room. Well you pretend to. You just step into the side hallway, but watch her. She’s really good and even manages to make tears fall down her face. The casting director welcomes her to the show as well.

After the auditions are done, you and the casting director talk about the slots you have leftover. Once they’re filled you call it a day. She’s going to call the people who got the parts and as you’re walking out of the theatre, you call Rachel.

“We have to celebrate!” is how Rachel answers her phone.

You laugh, “My parents are in town.”

“Bring them!” Rachel says jovially. “Or we can come over to your apartment! We don’t have to drink. We just want to celebrate and Quinn wants you to be there.”

“Alright,” you tell her, “I’ll order some food. See you there.”

On the way home, you order food and then call your parents to tell them that you’re on the way home for a small party. They say that they’ll meet you there and ask if you want them to get anything.

When you get back to your apartment, there’s a caterer knocking on your door. You recognize her from the Christmas party you had. “Hey,” you smile, “Thanks for coming on such short notice. There shouldn’t be a lot of people.”

She smiles back and brushes her auburn bangs out of her face. She adds while you’re unlocking the door, “No problem. You can call me anytime.”

You detect a hint of flirting and when you look up you see her smile nervously faltering. You open the door for her and tell her that the kitchen is hers.

“Do you have any special requests?” she asks, “I think your son really liked the macaroni and cheese I made last time.”

You nod. “He loved it. If you could make that and then something vegan, that would be great.” You put your purse on the couch. “I’m gonna go change, but my parents are coming back with my son soon. You can leave the door open.”

You walk into your room and peel off your shirt. You want to wear something more casual for this party. You pull on a quarter sleeved dark blue shirt and change into some jeans. As you do, you think about the woman that flirted with you. You swear you know her name. It’s… Lana? No. Laurel? Lorelei? No not the mom from Gilmore Girls, the daughter. You snap, “Rory.”

“Ms. Lopez?” you hear at the door of your bedroom.

You jump and press your hand to your chest, “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” she looks away and blushes, “I was leaving the bathroom and I thought you called me.”

“I was just…trying to remember your name,” you say, embarrassed. “I should know it by now.”

She shakes her head, “I’m sure you meet a lot of people.” She lingers a little bit before nodding and saying, “I’m going to get back to the kitchen.”

“Um, thanks Rory,” you tell her and watch her disappear.

You pull on some more comfortable boots and then make your way to the living room. It’s pretty clean. All you have to do it take a few toys back to Nick’s room.

When you come back from putting the toys up, your parents walk in. Nick looks wide away and runs all the way to you. You laugh and pick him up, “Hey, honey. Did you have fun with Grandma and Grandpa?” You love that your mom refused to be called Abuela because of what your Abuela did to you.

He grins and points to his shirt. It says New York Children’s Museum and it has a dinosaur on it.

“He’s smarter than all those other kids,” your dad tells you as he takes off his coat. “Cuter too.”

You grin and kiss Nick’s forehead. He chuckles and looks worried. He looks around, “Brinney!”

“Oh,” your mom says and opens her purse. She pulls out the unicorn Brittany gave Nick and hands it to him. “I think he named the unicorn Brittany.”

Your parents look at you like you’re supposed to say something to that. You don’t know what to say. You just lick your lips.

“Um,” Rory walks up behind your father, “Is this a champagne occasion? Or should I just open some wine?”

“Champagne,” you answer and give her a knowing smile. She just saved you from that awkward moment.

She gives you a knowing nod and then walks back into the kitchen.

You take Nick to the living room and sit on the couch with him. You don’t know how he does it, but he seems to know that you need a hug. His little head rests on your shoulder and you rub his back.

“Knock knock,” you hear Rachel call from the doorway.

“Come in,” your mom tells them. You stand up with Nick so that you can greet them. Your mom is hugging them both. “Quinn, it’s been so long.”

“It’s nice to see you again Mrs. Lopez,” Quinn smiles. She spots you and smiles. She hugs your dad then makes her way to you. “Rachel said that you didn’t really step all the way out for my audition.”

You look over Quinn’s shoulder at Rachel and are surprised to find Kurt behind Rachel. Rachel smiles at you, “I went to the balcony to watch her audition. I saw you halfway step out.”

“Well, I didn’t make the decision,” you tell her as she takes Nick from you. “Hey Kurt.”

He grins, “Hey Santana.”

Nick hugs Quinn and she says to you, “I know. Thank you for at least trying to not be there.” She looks at Nick. “I think you’ve grown up since the last time I saw you.” She play gasps and ruffles the unicorn’s hair, “This looks familiar.”

“Brinney,” Nick states.

You knew that you’d get a look from Quinn so you avert your eyes, but not fast enough.

“Is Brittany coming?” Rachel asks.

“You should invite her,” your dad pipes in, “Nick would love it.”

Rachel beams and pulls out her phone, “I’ll call her. It’ll be like a cast party.”

You can see the hope on Kurt’s face. You’re sure he’s looking for work as well. You decide to afford him the same opportunity you did to Rachel, Quinn, and Brittany. You do have a soft spot for the man anyway and you always felt a connection with him, being two of the few out gays at your high school. “What the hell? I’ll call the directors and the other producers.”

“Since you’re having a party can we take Nick?” your dad asks hopefully, “We’ll go to dinner and back to our hotel. We promise not to stay up too late.”

You chuckle and look at Quinn. She doesn’t look happy that Nick might leave, but you think it might be a good idea. If he keeps hanging around with Brittany, he might start getting as attached to her as you are. You can break his heart like yours is.

“Sure,” you nod. “Just have him in bed by eight.”

You think your dad is so excited that he almost claps. He goes to Nick’s room to get some of Nick’s clothes. Your mom take Nick from Quinn, “Isn’t he cute?”

You laugh, “So cute. You guys need to move up here so Nick can have his Grandpa all the time.”

“Your father has already started looking at apartments in this building,” your mom says with a wicked smile.

Your eyes get wide and everyone laughs.

“I still get to babysit him right?” Quinn asks, looking over at Nick.

“Of course,” you say proudly. You love that everyone loves Nick so much. He’s so sweet and so smart. You give him a kiss and take a deep breath. This is your first night away from him. You kiss him again and watch with a knot in your chest as your parents take him away.

You put your hands on your hips after the door is closed and turn around. There’s only one thing you can do now to make yourself relax. You look at Rachel, Quinn, Kurt, and you can even see Rory looking at you in the kitchen. “Let’s get this party started.”


	9. Chapter 9

One mixture that is always entertaining is theatre people and alcohol. Monologues happen while someone stands on a chair and groups are always breaks into song.

You’re always very aware of where Brittany is. She arrived with a large group of the cast and sought you out immediately. After asking how you were, she asked where Nick was and seemed disappointed when you told her that she was with you parents.

Since then, you’ve been playing the part of the perfect hostess, jumping from group to group and making sure things are going well in the kitchen. Not that there are problems in the kitchen.

When you’re in the kitchen refilling your champagne, you see Rory packing up her knives. You lean back on the counter, “You have my credit card number right?”

Rory smiles and nods, “Yeah and since your son isn’t here I put the macaroni and cheese in the fridge. Just preheat the oven to three fifty and put it in there for like fifteen minutes.”

“Thank you so much,” you tell her, “I know that we weren’t really expecting all these people and you did amazing as usual.”

Rory tucks some stray hair behind her ear, “It was really no problem.”

You really do own her more than what you’re paying her. “Do you happen to be an aspiring actor?”

She chuckles and unties her apron, “No. This is what I love to do.” She gestures to the food sitting out on your counters.

You grin, “Well, you’re more than welcome to stay. Staying would help you a lot more if you were an actor, but us theatre folk are famous for our parties and everyone is always looking for a good caterer.”

She looks down at her clothes, a plain white shirt and black pants, basically a caterer standard, “I’m not really dressed for a party.”

“If you want to stay,” you tell her, “You can borrow some of my clothes.” You smile, “I’m not worried about you taking off with my stuff because you’ll be back. You have to come back to get the rest of your stuff tomorrow and you are definitely my go to caterer.”

She chuckles, her razor cut layers brushing against her shoulders, “I don’t think you have anything that will fit me.”

You roll your eyes because she’s barely bigger than you, “Oh ye of little faith.” You grab a clean champagne glass and fill it up. You hand it to Rory and then pick up yours, “C’mon.”

You and Rory slip past the crowd and into your bedroom. You sit her down on the bed and then walk into your closet. You set your champagne down on the dresser and open your closet door. You look at Rory for a moment before saying, “You’re a warm autumn.” Then you step into your closet.

“Are you from here?” Rory asks as you sort through your clothes.

“Nope,” you pull out two shirts and a dress, “I’m from Ohio, but I’ve been here for a few years. Are you from here?”

“I’m from Colorado,” she says, “I came up here for culinary school and just…never left. Is anyone really ever from New York City?”

“Just Jay-Z,” you joke. You step out of the closet with the clothes and set them on the bed. “I can step into the bathroom if you want.”

She chuckles, “I’m not shy.” She peels off her white shirt, “I played sports in high school and I lost all my modesty.”

You smile, trying to keep your eyes in check. “Yeah, being in glee club and cheerleading in high school was pretty much like that.” Not that you were super modest to begin with.

She’s wearing a gorgeous white bra with lace around the outside. Her body is toned for being a caterer. She picks up one of the shirts you got and looks it over, “This is really gorgeous.”

“Thanks,” you say, “I got it at Bloomingdale’s. I haven’t even worn it yet.”

“You have great taste,” she says and maybe she moves a little bit closer to you.

You start to get nervous. You haven’t been with anyone in a little over a year. Not even a teenaged make out session. And that one over a year ago was a one-lunch hour stand that lasted three hours and you never saw her again.

You can hear the bedroom door open loudly and you and Rory turn to see who it is. You’re a little surprised to see Brittany she sways a little bit like she’s had too much to drink as she stand in the doorway. “Sorry. Someone’s in the other bathroom.” You can see her survey the situation in the bedroom. It looks bad because Rory isn’t wearing a shirt, but you shouldn’t feel bad. You’re single. You can look at shirtless women all you want. Except that you do feel guilty. You feel guilty as hell, especially because Brittany is the one that caught you.

Brittany tries to keep her face blank as she walks to the bathroom in your bedroom. As she walks by, you make quick eye contact with her and see in her eyes that she’s not drunk at all. Yet she walks a little uneasily to the bathroom and closes the door behind herself.

“Is she your girlfriend?” Rory asks, pulling the shirt you picked out for her on over her head.

You shake your head, “She’s my friend.” You swallow and look at the bathroom door. You add in a low voice, “Ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh,” Rory nods. “Recently?”

“No like three years ago,” you answer, “We’re still friends though.”

Rory looks at herself in the mirror, “I get that. I almost went into business with my ex-girlfriend.” She turns back to you, “How do I look?”

“You look great,” you smile. She really does look great. It may just be a green shirt that you’ve never worn before, but there’s something really intimate about another woman wearing your clothes.

“Thanks,” she picks up her glass of champagne. You pick up yours and she raises hers in a toast. “To Bloomingdale’s.”

You laugh lightly, “To Bloomingdale’s.”

Just as your glasses clink, the bathroom door opens. You both look to Brittany who is walking out of the bathroom. If you didn’t know her so well, you wouldn’t be able to tell she was upset. She starts to walk out of the room with her head down, but Rory speaks up, “Um, Hi, I’m Rory.”

Brittany stops and turns to the two of you. Her eyes rest on you for the time it takes her to swallow hard. Then she looks at Rory, “I’m Brittany.”

Rory extends her hand to Brittany. Brittany takes her hand and they’re officially acquaintances. Rory smiles, “I love your boots.”

Brittany is usually super warm to new people. She’ll hug them and get to know them, but she’s not asking anything about Rory.  She just says, “Thanks.”

You don’t think you can handle this right now so you say, “I’m going to go send the set guys home because they’re starting work first thing in the morning.” You walk out of your bedroom and you feel the tension crawl up your back as the other two women walk out behind you.

You do _suggest_ that the theatre techs and set construction team go home. They all take the hint and go home willingly. After you’ve dealt with them, you look around. Rory is talking to the director and says something to make him laugh. You spot Brittany doing a shot with some of the dancers. Then someone pulls out their phone and turns on a song. They all start dancing.

You smile seeing Brittany dance. You really can’t ever not smile when she’s dancing.

“So,” Quinn’s voice draws you back to your own circle, “Cute chef.”

You glance over at Rory and see her looking at you. She smile bashfully and look away, “Yeah, she’s cute.”

“She’s been checking you out all night,” Quinn tells you.

You quirk you eyebrow at her, “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“I’m trying to tell you that you need to get with the hot chef who is not dating a firefighter,” Quinn tells you.

The one thing you both love and hate about Quinn is that she’ll tell you straight up how it is. She doesn’t sugar coat things. You’ve never done that for each other. But that doesn’t stop you from being angry with her.

“Go to hell Fabray,” you growl and turn to walk away.

“Whoa hold on,” Rachel grabs your arm as she walks to you and Quinn, pulling you back, “What’s going on?”

“Quinn is sticking her nose in my business,” you narrow your eyes at Quinn. However, you allow Rachel to keep you in place.

Rachel looks at Quinn who just looks away. Rachel looks at you, “Maybe you should go on a date with Rory.”

“She hasn’t even asked me out and I don’t have time to date,” you shake your head. You pause and then decide that you don’t want to talk about it anymore, “And if you two want to continue to have jobs, I have to focus on work.”

“If you have to work late, I claim babysitting rights,” Quinn states.

“Who’s babysitting?” Brittany asks as she walks up to your group.

“I am,” Quinn says. “If Santana has to work late.”

Brittany smiles, “Awesome. Um, if you need help let me know.” She takes a sip of her drink and that is when you see it.

You feel so sick. You feel like you’re going to throw up. You feel light headed.

Of course Rachel is the first one to blurt out what everyone is thinking, “Oh my god, Brittany are you engaged?”

“No,” Brittany quickly says, her eyes wide. Her voice lowers and her hand immediately goes to the diamond ring on the end of her necklace, “He asked. I haven’t answered yet.”

“Well congratulations anyway,” Quinn steps up and hugs Brittany. Then Rachel does. You put on a fake smile when it’s your turn to hug her. You know that she knows it’s not real and you know that the one of her face isn’t real.

But when you envelope your arms around her waist, you know that the hug is real. She’s clinging to you, pressing your body to hers desperately. You don’t know what she wants from you. You don’t know how to give it to her. You just bury your face in her shoulder and close your eyes. You can feel her do the same to you. This is really the most you’ve touched her since you ran into each other again.

You run your hands up her back, wishing that you could feel her skin. When your hands rest on her shoulder blades you have to take a step back before you lose yourself completely. You take a step back, but let your hands run back down her back and around her sides just so that you can touch her a little bit longer.

“Santana!” you hear your name being called from across the room. You look over and see the director and a few of the actors with Rory. The director is calling you so you politely excuse yourself from Quinn, Rachel. Brittany, and Brittany’s Ring to walk over to them.

You listen to the director talk too long about something that you don’t fully listen to. You start eyeing people until they get the hint that they have to be at the theatre early in the morning. Then you excuse yourself again and walk down the hallway to your bedroom. You just need a moment to chill out.

But as you’re walking, you see the lamp on in Nick’s room. You open the bedroom door, not sure what anyone would be doing in there that you wouldn’t yell at them for.

However when you get a good look, you see Brittany sitting on the bed with a stuffed penguin in her lap. She’s looking down at it and not moving. You can’t see her face because her hair has fallen around it. When she sniffles you step in and close the door behind you.

The soft click draws her attention away from the penguin and to you. She immediately puts the penguin back on the bed and wipes her eyes. You walk to the bed and sit down next to her.

“What’s wrong?” you ask her softly.

She takes a while for her to be able to speak. “You’re living the life I always pictured for us…without me,” she looks down as she talks. You see a tear drop into her lap.

You don’t want her to cry. You’ve been living this life with the ghost of her next to you. You know that you want her there. You want her so badly, but there’s that ring.

“Britt,” you breathe out and scoot closer to her. “I… I get it. I always pictured this life with you, but-” Both of your eyes drift to the ring that her fingers keep toying with on the end of the necklace.

She clears her throat, “I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t…”

“Why can’t you?” you ask. You don’t know if you want to know and you almost stop her from answering.

She just looks around the room and you understand what she’s not saying. “Britt…” You know what you’re about to say is ridiculous and noble and could completely break your heart, but you want her to be happy. “I’m not going to keep Nick from you if you get married. He loves you so much.”

Brittany sniffles and runs her fingers under her right eyes, catching a few tears. “I love him so much too. He’s so…” She smiles at you, a special smile of adoration, “He’s amazing, San.”

“He is,” you nod.

“Santana!” someone calls down the hallway, “I need to ask you about the meeting we have in the morning!”

You look at Brittany and she smiles understandingly, “I’m fine. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” you take a chance and wipe the rest of the tears off of her cheek, “You can stay here as long as you need.” With that declaration, you stand up and make your way out of the room.

You finalize your plans for the meetings in the morning while Brittany’s words bounce around aimlessly in your head.

Everyone is basically gone by eleven, except Quinn and Rachel who are asleep on the couch and Kurt who is snoozing on the other couch. Rory is packing up her things in the kitchen. You think Brittany may still be in Nick’s room, but you can’t be sure.

You watch Rory close up her knife set and lean back on the counter. Rory looks over her shoulder at you, “Thank you so much for letting me stay. I had fun.”

“I’m glad,” you smile at her. There’s something in her green eyes that is lighthearted and free. It’s intriguing.

Once the last of her things are in her plastic box, she stands by the door with you. “Would it be inappropriate for me to ask you out to lunch?”

You’re taken aback for a moment. Maybe it’s because you don’t get asked out often. You’re intimidating to most people and then all the others aren’t ready to date a single mom.

She takes your hesitance to answer the wrong way, but still smiles, “I know things are complicated with your ex, but it’s just lunch. I’d like to get to know you. We can say it’s as friends.”

“Would it be as friends?” you ask with a quirked eyebrow, challenging her.

She shoots you a wink, “If it makes you show up.”

You can’t help, but smile, “I’d love to. Thursday?”

“Thursday it is,” she grins. “At the Stonestreet Café on 101st. Noon?”

You nod, “Okay. I’ll see you there.”

She gives you a brief, but comfortable hug before leaving.

When you close the door, you pause before turning around. You can feel her there behind you, watching. You close your eyes, feeling terrible about the plans you just made, but knowing that right now you need to date Rory.

You do turn around and see Brittany standing in the living room. Her eyes are red and her hair is falling out of the ponytail she put it up in. You know she’s had more to drink since your talk in Nick’s room.

Suddenly she turns around and starts walking away, back toward the bedrooms.

 “Brittany, what are you doing?” you ask, following her into the empty hallway.

She takes two more steps away and you follow her. Then suddenly she whirls around. Her lips crash into yours and you almost fall backwards. She keeps you from falling by pressing her palms into the small of your back, pulling your harshly against her.

You need to stop her from kissing you. You need to stop your own arms from slipping themselves around her neck in such a familiar way. You need to not let her press your back against the wall as her tongue slides into your mouth. You moan at the feel of it, the warmth and the way your bodies know just how to move together.

You need to stop her. But you don’t want to.


	10. Chapter 10

She picks you up and you wrap your legs around her waist. You start to pull away from the kiss, but she doesn’t allow it. You can feel her walking, but you just focus on kissing her as deeply as you can. God, you’ve missed this so much.

When your back hits the bed, you gasp. She’s on top of you and kissing you, but you feel a weight on your chest. It’s small, but the emotional weight of what’s on your chest almost crushes you. Brittany notices that you’re becoming less responsive. She seems to know why as well.

You run your fingers through her hair and savor what’s left of the moment because you know it’s fleeting. You know that the ring between you is between you in more ways than one. She rests her head on your shoulder and you cradle the back of her head. You bury a kiss in her hair.

“I’m sorry,” Brittany whispers to you, her body still resting on top of yours.

She lays there for a minute on top of you before she speaks again. This time her voice is a little higher than a whisper, but not by much, “It’s hard to be brave when you’re only a very small animal.”

You smile because she always used to quote the book the two of you shared when she didn’t know how to explain how she felt. And you always quoted back to her, the same quote every single time. But this time when she pulls back to look at you, into your eyes, the quote seems sad and beautiful. “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”

Tears well in her eyes before they fall onto your chest.

“Don’t cry,” you tell her softly and cup her wet cheek. It hurts you so much when she’s sad. You want to kiss her to make it better, but instead you wipe away her tears with the back of your fingers.

“It’s not fair,” she tells you. She pushes up on her elbows and slips her hands between your back and the bed. Then she hooks her fingers around the tops of your shoulders, her thumbs stroking through your shirt.

You love it when she holds you like this. You feel so safe with her which is ironic because she’s the one person in the world that’s caused you the most heartache.

“Britt,” you look up at her and tuck some of her hair behind her ear. You take your time touching her soft hair, feeling it between your fingers.

Then you turn your attention to the ring between the two of you and pick it up. You look it over. It’s not terrible. The diamond is a little on the small side, but it’s simple and, dare you say, elegant. “You have to give him an answer. A real answer. But regardless of what you tell him, you’re welcome here. You’re welcome to visit Nick and we can go out to lunch or dinner or shopping. We will always be friends. No matter what.” Saying what you just said makes you nauseous. You’re not that noble. Not on a daily basis anyway. But you want Brittany to be happy and you want Nick to be happy and they’ve already formed a strong bond. You don’t want to push Brittany away like you have before when you were scared.

She buries her face in your neck and squeezes you. She doesn’t say anything though and you’re kind of glad that she didn’t. She sort of falls off of you, but lays on her side still pressed against you. Her arms encircle you and she holds onto you. You move your arm so she can place her head on your shoulder and then hold her there. This feels so great, but hurts so bad.

You both fall asleep like that and wake up to the soft pings of your alarm. You don’t leave Brittany’s embrace to turn it off. It only takes one arm to reach over and shut it off. You look at the clock and see that it’s early. Your usual wake up time accounts for getting Nick ready and dressed, making breakfast, getting yourself dressed, and taking Nick to day care. You obviously don’t have to worry about Nick this morning, just the four McKinley High alumni that are strewn around your apartment.

You turn to the blonde in your arms. Her grip on you hasn’t loosened at all in the night. In fact it might be tighter than it was before. She’s so beautiful and you can’t help, but kiss her forehead. You do know that’s going farther than you should, but your self-control with dealing with Brittany has always been next to none.

You slip out of bed and go into the bathroom. Once your brush your teeth, you make your way to the living room. You’re surprised that Rachel is already awake and apparently doing yoga in the middle of your living room. Kurt is nowhere to be see and Quinn is in the kitchen making something for breakfast.

You bypass Rachel when you smell the coffee that your automatic brewer already started for you. You walk around Quinn to the coffee maker and get a mug down. As you’re pouring she says, “I saw you with Brittany.”

You should have seen that coming. So you respond the best way you know how, “And I see you haven’t solved your missing pleasantry problem.”

“You’re doing it again,” Quinn sighs.

“I’m not doing anything again,” you snap. “I slept in a bed with my best friend last night. That’s it.”

“Can she really just be your best friend?” Quinn asks, stopping you mid-pour.

You force yourself to start moving and replace the coffee pot. You’re quiet for a long time as you think about it. You add cream and sugar to your coffee before picking it up. You take a sip and then walk toward the entrance of the kitchen. You pause in the doorway and turn back to Quinn who is looking at you with a sad, expectant look on her face. You answer her as strongly as you can, “If that’s all I get, then yes, she can just be my best friend.”

Quinn looks disappointed in you and you’re disappointed in yourself, but what are you going to do? You walk back to your bedroom and see that Brittany is now sprawled out over the bed.

You sit on the edge of the bed. Your movement and the sound of the TV you just turned on gets her to waking up. She peers up at you with a sweet smile. Then she closes her eyes, “Is it time to go to work boss?”

You chuckle, “I’m not your boss, but yeah, it’s almost time.” You lean back on the headboard and sip your coffee as you read the new ticker at the bottom of the screen.

Brittany pushes herself up and leans back on the headboard as well. She’s mostly slumped over against the headboard, but she’s still adorable, pushing her falling out ponytail out of her face. You turn your attention back to the TV so you can see if any huge Broadway shows are closing shop. You know it’s probably a pipe dream to move into one of the big theatres with this show, but someday you’ll have a show in the Gershwin or the Imperial.

You feel your coffee being lifted out of your hand and turn your head to see Brittany taking a sip out of your coffee. She hums in contentment and puts her head on your shoulder. You can’t help, but think that this is the way it’s supposed to be every morning.

You see Kurt walk past the bedroom door before halting completely and turning around to come back to your room. “Quinn is making crepes and wants to know if you two want some.”

“Do I even have the stuff to make crepes?” you ask.

“Yeah, she pulled a crepe skillet out from the back of the cabinet,” Kurt states and leans on the doorframe with the front of his shoulder.

You shrug, “Yeah sure.”

“Sounds good,” Brittany answers.

When Kurt walks out, you start to move off of the bed. Brittany picks her head up and you wish she didn’t have to, but you have got to get moving or you’ll stay in bed all day with her, “I have to get ready. Do you need something to wear?”

“Do you have any sweat pants?” she asks. “It’s just rehearsals.”

“Being a single mom, I have an abundance of sweatpants,” you walk out of the closet and then open up one of the drawers in your dresser, “I have grey, green, purple, blue…” you dig around, “and black.”

“Grey would be awesome,” Brittany says from the bed.

You pull out the grey ones and toss the pants to the bed in the general direction of Brittany’s head. The pants opened up in midair and landed square on her head, one leg over her face. She giggles and lifts up a pant leg to look at you. “Thanks.”

“I’m assuming that you need a v-neck too,” you walk into your closet. You grab a blue one and a green walk and present them to her.

“Green,” Brittany says taking another drink of your coffee with the sweats still on her head.

You don’t throw that shirt because it’s on a hanger. You set it on the bed and then walk back into the closet. You pick out some black pants for you, grab some heels, and a white button down. You’ll be spending the day in your office so there’s no need to get really dressed up.

You push the pants you’re wearing off of yourself and toss them into the dirty clothes. Then you pick up the black pants and look them over. Then you drop them and walk to the nightstand to get your phone. It’s been in the back of your mind, but you just have to at least text your mom. You miss Nick.

You text her and ask her if they’re up yet and how Nick is. Then you put the phone down on the bed and look back at the news.

“Do you have an extra toothbrush?” Brittany asks.

You look at her and see that she’s already changed. You didn’t know she had even gotten off the bed. You guess you text slower than you thought. You see her eyes drift down her your almost naked lower half in her Brittany-obvious-but-adorable way. You lick your lips and decide to get her to stop, “Yeah. It’s in the top drawer.”

Her eyes snap back up to your face and she blushes. It feels weird to see her blush because Brittany checks out people all the time and you know it’s not because she wants to sleep with them. When you used to call her out on it, she’d just smile at you and you’d know it wasn’t something you needed to worry about. She’s just fascinated with people. She’s so in tune with her body that she just wants to look at other peoples’ to see how theirs works. You’re pretty convinced that if she would have started going to class in high school that she could have gone to med school.

You pull on your pants as she walks into the bathroom. You watch her walk in and become way too entranced about how low the sweats are hanging on her hips. Maybe Quinn’s right. Maybe you need to take a step back.

You pick your coffee up off of the nightstand take a sip before leaving the rest of it on the nightstand for Brittany. You put on your shirt, run a brush through your hair and put it up, all before Brittany is done in the bathroom. So you slip on your heels and walk out of the bedroom.

There are three actors sitting at your small dining table, eating crepes. And it’s stupid how normal it feels. You walk into the kitchen and get your travel coffee mug down.

“How do you get ready so fast?” Rachel asks you from the table.

“I’m a single mom,” you tell her over the kitchen bar dividing the kitchen and the dining room. “I have to get dressed in the time a toy train keeps Nick’s attention.” You sip your coffee. It’s gross. You need more half and half.

When you open the refrigerator, you see all the leftover food. No offense to Quinn’s Stepford Crepes, but Rory’s food is amazing. You have to stop yourself from digging into the mac n cheese without Nick. You’ll grab a crepe.

“I used all your eggs,” Quinn says walking into the kitchen to refill her coffee,  “But I’ll buy you some new ones since I have a job now.”

You nod. “That’s fine.” Then you close the refrigerator and look over at the dining table. Rachel’s laughing with Kurt as she eats the crepes. “I thought Berry was vegan.”

“She’s a vegetarian now,” Quinn answers you, leaning back on the counter, “It’s really expensive to be vegan and she was running out of money and she didn’t want to call her dads. So she eats eggs now. She tries to limit her cheese intake too.”

“Damn,” you point to the refrigerator, “I had Rory make vegan food for Rachel. If you want to take it home in there, you can, but if you try to take the mac n cheese, I’ll cut off your hand.”

Quinn chuckles. She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth and takes a deep breath. That’s her serious face. So you square up to her and cross your arms.

She drops her head, knowing that you know what’s coming. “Rachel has pointed out to me that I have no right to tell you what to do. And I agree with her. If you want to be with Brittany or Rory or whomever, you should doing what you want. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. And we all know that you’ll do what’s best for Nick. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

You nod, “Thanks.”

She steps up to you and you know she’s going to hug you. You allow it and even hug her back.

“San?” you hear Brittany call you from the hallway. She appears in the kitchen as you end the hug. She offers you your phone, “It was ringing.”

You look at the screen and see that you missed a call from your supervising producer. You exhale and start moving. You grab your purse and sling it over your shoulder, “I have to go to my office.” You open your junk drawer in the kitchen and pluck out a familiar old keychain. It says Cheerios on it in red and white letters with two keys dangling from it. You drop them on the counter, “Stay as long as you want, try not to steal things, and lock up. One of those is the key to the front door. I don’t know what the other one is for.”

“Are you coming to the theatre later?” Rachel asks, standing from the table.

You shrug, “Probably.”

Rachel hugs you goodbye. You and Kurt share a kind of awkward wave before he excuses himself to the bathroom. Then Brittany hugs you. She sways with you in her arms like she does when she’s happy. It makes you smile. Then when you pull away, you look at the group of them, “Good luck on your first day.”

“Thanks,” Rachel beams and Quinn smiles because of that.

Brittany looks like she’s really touched by your words. You offer one last smile before you have to get your butt in gear. They’re not going to have jobs if you don’t do yours.


	11. Chapter 11

Your parents have a flight to catch in the afternoon, but your dad promises to come back soon and your mom hints at moving to New York. They drop Nick off with you at your office at the last possible minute before they have to leave.

No one there minds Nick hanging around because you have a private office and Nick doesn’t mind because there’s space for him to spread his toys out on the floor.

An IM pops up on your screen. Your secretary shot you a message that said you’re needed at the theatre. You look over at Nick. “Do you wanna go see Quinn and Brittany?”

“Brinny!” he shows you his unicorn and you smile.

After gathering his toys, you pick up Nick and grab your bag. “Let’s go, Little Man.”

On the way, you stop to get coffee for the director and the stage manager. You’ve learned in this business to always keep the talent as happy as you can. Coffee is definitely an inexpensive way to show them that you’re trying to take care of them.

When you get to the theatre, you throw your bag over your shoulder and pick up Nick, then the coffee. It would be easier to carry everything if Nick didn’t insist on bringing his unicorn.

The security guard opens the door for you with a smile and you smile back. You walk through a series of hallways and a small flight of stairs to find the director in the house, pointing at people and then silently staring at the stage. Then he’ll look down at a large binder in his hand.

When he hears you boots click as you near him, he looks up and smiles. “Hey big guy,” he says when he sees you walk up to him. It’s funny how everyone says hi to Nick before they even address you. You offer him the cardboard tray of coffees and he takes one, “Thanks.”

“How’s it going?” you ask him.

“Great,” he nods. “I’m just kind of feeling out the actors.”

“Please don’t make them come out on stage, stand still, and just stare at them for half an hour,” you sigh, “We lost three decent actors last time when you did that.”

“How am I supposed to capture their auras if I don’t study them?” he asks you and then pokes  Nick’s unicorn, “I like your unicorn buddy.”

“Brinny!” Nick squeals and shows the director his toy.

The director chuckles, “That’s a great name.”

He giggles and puts his head shyly on your shoulder. You rub his back, “Do you need anything? I have to go deal with some equipment issues backstage.”

“Nah,” he looks down at his binder. He calls out, “Rachel Berry.”

You watch her walk out onto the stage. The director sits down and leans back in his chair. She just stands there for a moment before asking, “Yes?”

“Just stand there,” he says.

You roll your eyes and call to Rachel, “I never thought I’d say this, but for the love of god, sing something.” She opens her mouth and you cut her off, “Sing anything.” Then you turn to the director and quietly say, “Do not just stare at people. It’s creepy.”

He scratches his scruffy brown stubble and sighs, “Fine.”

“Where’s Shawn?” you ask him as Rachel starts singing.

“Backstage talking to the light designer,” the director says flippantly.

You carry Nick and the coffee to the side door and then up the back hallway to the stage. He’s dressed in some of his jeans and suede chukkas. Your mom put him in his little green Polo sweater and he looks so cute. You know that two year olds grow fast out of clothes and can easily ruin them, but you’ll be damned if your son isn’t the best dresser at his daycare.

When you get backstage you see the actors and dancers lounging around. There’s a food table in the back and you see that most of the fruit is gone, but the cookies are all still accounted for. You make a mental note to check your budget and see what you can do about getting more fruit for them.

“Shawn,” you call as you make your way through the cast to get to him. He’s standing next to the ladder leading up to the cat walk with the light designer.

He smiles and runs a hand through his unruly blonde hair, “Nick!”

Nick does a little dance in your arms and Shawn puts his hand out. Nick slaps it and laughs. You do have the cutest son in the whole world.

“I heard you were having a problem,” you tell him.

“Oh yeah,” he moves to the side of the stage and picks up a light. “I need three more of these.”

“Three more?” you ask him. There’s probably barely money in your budget for more fruit for the cast, which means there’s definitely not enough for three more thousand dollar lights.

“Yeah,” he nods. He has a sympathetic look on his face like he knows that the budget is tight.

You figure that there has got to be a theatre somewhere that has a few lying around. You nod to him, “I’ll see what I can do.”

When you turn around, Quinn is standing there with a smile on her face. You had to know that she wouldn’t have been able to stay away from Nick long. You allow your son to go with Quinn, who is now referring to herself at Aunt Quinn.

“How’s it going?” you ask her, pulling out your phone to call some other producers.

“We’re mostly sitting around,” Quinn shrugs, “The director is kinda weird.”

“He’ll only stare at you once,” you tell her and scan the crowd, “Do you have a few minutes?”

“Yeah,” Quinn nods, “I already got stared at.” She smiles at Nick, “Do you want to come hang out with Aunt Quinn while Mommy works?”

You step out into the side hallway to make some phone calls. You manage to not only get three more lights, but you get construction materials from an acquaintance whose show is closing.

When you walk back to the stage, you hear Quinn singing on the other side of the curtain and you look around to see if Rachel has Nick. However, in the far corner of the stage, you see Nick with Brittany. She’s sitting on the ground with her legs extended. Nick is standing between her legs and dancing as she sings and claps with the hugest smile on her face. She even does that little dance move with her shoulders that you used to find so cute.

You just stand there watching her. It was like Brittany never missed a day of Nick’s life. You can see in her eyes and her smile that she loves him so much and… it’s killing you.

You need to get away from here so you let the stage manager and light designer know that they have what they need plus some, then you tell them that you’ll be working from home the rest of the day.

Finally you walk over to Nick and Brittany. They both look up at you and Nick breaks away from Brittany to run over to you. You pick him up and kiss him, “Have you been having fun?”

“I crunk!” he laughs and then looks at Brittany who is standing up.

Brittany blushes slightly, but rubs Nick’s tummy, “He’s got some moves.”

You glance at Brittany’s neck, but she’s wearing one of your scarves over her the tank top she borrowed so you can’t see if the ring is still there. You’re not going to ask though. You’re going to pretend like she never kissed you and that you didn’t almost have sex.

“Are you ready to go home, Little Man?” you ask Nick.

“You’re already going home?” Brittany asks. She looks worried.

“Yeah, I just have a headache,” you shake your head and realize that you actually do and it’s not just some excuse. You take a deep breath, “I guess I’ll see you around.” You turn around and walk off.

“Santana wait,” she says and trots up to you. She hands Nick his unicorn. You totally forgot about it because being around Brittany like this makes you stupid. You completely forget everything.

Brittany licks her lips, “I left my phone at your apartment.” She holds your eyes, but you can see that she’s nervous. “I was going to come get it after rehearsal, but I don’t have to.”

You need to tell her that you need some kind of answer or at least some indication of which way she’s leaning. You feel like this is high school again and you’re stalled waiting for Brittany to decide if she loves you the most. You grit your teeth and nod, “It’s fine. You can come get it. No problem.”

You don’t let her answer. You just keep walking out. You have to get away from her before you say something stupid.

All the way home you think about it. You’re _always_ waiting for Brittany to decide if she loves you the most. So far, you’ve come out on top every time, over Matt, over Artie, over Sam, but you feel like you’re running out of times. Does she really love you like she love her if she always takes so long to decide? For once you want to be Brittany number one without some deep soul searching probe. You just want to be someone’s number one.

Nick is asleep by the time you get home so you change his diaper and put him to bed. Then you go into the living room and lay on the couch because just looking at your bed would just wreck your insides.

You drape your arm over your eyes and take a deep breath. You do drift off to sleep and get a good half hour in before Nick wakes you up.

“I’m hungry,” he says sleepily.

You immediately get up off of the couch and set him on it. You go into the kitchen and preheat the oven. Then you go back into the living room and sit on the couch next to Nick. He slides off of the couch and picks up the book that Brittany gave you for Christmas. When he places it in your lap, you’re sure that your son is trying to get you back for that time you dressed him up as a Yoda when he was an infant.

But when he crawls up onto the couch, you crack open the book and read to him. You take a short break to the put the mac n cheese in the oven and set the timer. Then you get back to reading to Nick. There’s a knock on the door just as the timer goes off.

You kiss Nick’s head before you get up and set the book in his lap. You walk to the front door to open it. You’re not surprised to find Brittany. “Hey,” you smile, “I have something in the oven.” You turn around and walk into the kitchen, leaving her standing in the open doorway.

As you’re placing the food from the oven, on the stove, you see Brittany walk into the kitchen. She peers over the breakfast bar into the living room and when she spots Nick, she passes you and b-lines to him. After you’ve taken your time, getting some water, you walk into the living room.

Nick is tucked under Brittany’s arms while she reads him the book. You walk to the couch and sit down on the other side of the couch from Brittany. They’re so cute together. Brittany even does the voices of the characters; well she tries to do the voices.

You tuck your feet under yourself and watch them together. Brittany’s such a natural. After a few minutes you can’t watch them anymore. You go into your bedroom and make your bed. Then you get your laundry out to drop off at the cleaners in the morning. Then you walk into the kitchen and get Nick some of the delicious macaroni that he loves so much.

You walk up behind the couch and wait for a good break in the story before putting one of your hands on Brittany’s shoulder and one on Nick’s head, “It’s time to eat.”

Brittany stops reading and closes the book. Then she picks up Nick, “Macaroni and cheese,” she smiles at him, “Yay.”

He gets excited because Brittany is pretending to be. She carries him to the table and sets him down in his booster chair.

“Britt, are you hungry?” you can’t help, but ask her. You worry about her not eating well and living in Harlem and just in general.

“Yeah I kinda am,” she answers, “But I can go…”

You shake your head. You didn’t want her to feel unwelcome. Especially after you told her that she was always welcome here. “Is mac n cheese okay with you?”

She smiles and nods, “Thank you.”

You direct her to sit down next to Nick and then go into the kitchen to get both hers and your food. You get Nick some juice and ask Brittany what she wants. Once everything is on the table, you sit down across from her.

The only sound is the clinking of the forks on the bowls for a while. Nick is kind of a noisy eater so sometimes he hums and breaks up the silence.

“How’s your head?” Brittany asks you sweetly from across the table.

You shrug, “It’s fine.”

“Did you take anything?” she asks.

“No, I fell asleep,” you tell her. “How was rehearsal?”

“It was great,” she smiles, “I’m really excited.”

You smile because she’s externally excited as well. She’s adorable.

Dinner is easy. You just relax and enjoy yourself. Brittany helps clean Nick up and plays with him while you go start his bath. Then you call to her and she brings Nick. Brittany kneels next to you, playing with Nick and his toy boats and submarines.

You manage to easily get him washed while Brittany distracts him with the fun stuff. Usually it’s really hard to get him to be still enough to wash him.

When you get him out, you carry him like a baby to his bedroom where you get him dressed in a t-shirt, a diaper, and pajama pants. You miss when he was a baby. He’s adorable now, but when he was a baby you could just hold him for hours.

Once he’s all dressed you can tell that he’s sleepy. He’s had a long day and his nap wasn’t long enough to make any kind of difference. You put him in his bed and he lays down. “That’s my good boy.” You kiss his forehead.

“Sing Mama,” he says.

You smile and sing to him. It’s a slow ballad and he drifts off to sleep. You turn on his nightlight and kiss him before walking out of the room.

As you’re walking out, you hear movement down the hallway. You forgot that Brittany was here. You don’t know what you’re going to say now that you don’t have Nick between you.

She’s in the kitchen when you walk in. She’s taking classes out of the dishwasher and putting them into the cabinet. You cross your arms and lean on the counter next to her. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” she says and flashes a smile.

“Why?” you have to ask.

She closes the empty dishwasher and turns to you, “So you don’t have to do everything yourself. Not anymore.”

You look down let that sink in. “Thank you. But…”

She shakes her head. “I want to help.”

“But you don’t want to be with me,” you drop your head.

“What are you talking about?” she asks you. She moves closer.

You finally decide to lay down the law. Maybe it’s the headache that’s creeping up the back of your head or your constantly aching heart, but you have to be straight with Brittany. You open your mouth to try, but you just can’t because no matter how much you want to be number one, you will always settle for being Brittany’s second choice. You mumble, “Never mind.”

She sweeps you up in her arms and holds you there. You can feel her kiss the crown of your head and you close your eyes. Tears make your eyes tingle and you squeeze your eyes shut. “Why can’t you ever love me the most?”


	12. Chapter 12

There’s silence. You close your eyes and all you can hear is the beat of Brittany’s heart and the neighbors moving their couch. You’re very aware of your deep, sad breaths. As every second ticks by, your heart breaks a little more.

You need Nick to wake up or your phone to ring. Your head is just resting against Brittany’s chest. Her arms are around your and her fingers are stroking your back. Her chest swells under your head and you take a step back. There are tear tracks down her cheeks, “You never thought I loved you the most?”

You know that Brittany loves you. You know that she always has but…the most? You look down at the tiles and answer quietly, “Sometimes…”

Tears spill onto her face and she retracts from you. Brittany bites her lip and shakes her head.

You don’t want her to feel like that. “I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head again, “Don’t be sorry. I just…I didn’t know you felt like that. Santana, I-”

You lick your lips and hold up your hand, stopping whatever she was going to say, “Maybe…” you say, “Maybe we need to cool off. I just need to…I’m tired.”

She wipes her eyes, “Okay.” She grabs her phone off of counter and shoves it in her pocket.

“Are you going to be okay getting home?” you ask her as you follow her to the door.

A miniscule smile graces her lips, “I’ll be fine.”

“Britt,” you stop her as she opens the door and shrugs on her coat. You want to ask her if she’s mad at you, but you kowtow to that constant voice inside of you begging you not to be needy.

She slowly turns around, waiting for you to say what you’re going to say.

You look at her blue eyes still swimming in tears and barely manage to choke out. “Be careful.”

She just gives you a silent nod before exiting your apartment. You softly close the door and wait for a click before resting your forehead on it. You take a deep breath trying to fight away the tears. That was so hard, but you know you had to. For your own sanity.

You purposefully stay away from the theatre for the next two days. You call Quinn because you need to her babysit, but that’s really the extent of your communication with anyone from your high school days.

Thursday at around eleven, Quinn walks into your office. You’re lucky that Quinn had the day off and could come get Nick.

She picks up Nick immediately then looks you over. “You’re wearing that?”

You roll your eyes, “There’s nothing wrong with it.” But you glance in the mirror to make sure that your outside isn’t that bad. You see the black v-neck shirt with a charcoal grey jacket with black lace flowers and tight black pants with black heels you put on this morning. You may look like you’re going to a funeral, but you keep forgetting to drop off your cleaning. “It’s this or I go naked.”

“I bet Rory wouldn’t mind if you showed up naked,” Quinn says and then smiles at your son. “Right Nick?”

“Don’t say shit like that in front of my kid,” you growl.

Of course Quinn doesn’t find you threatening at all. She just chuckles and picks up Nick’s diaper bag as she walks out the door.

You do a quick touch up on your make-up and take a deep breath. It’s your first date in three years and you’re more nervous than you’ve ever been. You know that you’re hot. That’s a given, but that doesn’t mean you’re not internally freaking out.

Luckily, your biggest fear isn’t realized and you’re not the first to arrive. Rory is sitting in a booth where you can see her right away. The café is small and intimate. The walls are dark paneled wood and it reminds you of a pub.

She smiles when you walk up to her and stands when you near.

“Hey, Santana,” she hugs you, “How are you?”

“I’m great,” you smile and hug her back. She’s a good hugger.

You both sit down across from each other and she takes a sip from a tea cup. “I hope you don’t mind. I ordered some tea for you too,” she points to an empty tea cup in front of your and the small tea pot between you, “I think it’s nice to have when it’s cold outside.”

“It’s great,” you nod as you situate your purse next to you.

As you’re putting your purse down, Rory fills up your tea cup and then sits back. “How’s work?”

You exhale, “Busy. As usual.”

“I bet,” she smiles and nods. “There were a lot of people at your cast party.”

“What about you?” You take a sip of your tea. “How’s your business going?”

“I think food is a good business to be in,” she grins, “People need food.”

You chuckle and watch as her brow wrinkles with a cute laugh.

“I’m glad you laughed. Some people don’t. It’s a terrible joke, but it’s the only one I have,” she adds and you laugh again.

You have a great laughter filled lunch with Rory. She’s charming and sweet. She picks up the check and tells you that she had a great time. She walks you outside the café and you stop near the front door. She doesn’t try for a kiss. She gives you a brief hug. “We should go out again sometime.”

You nod and smile, “I’d like that.”

When you part ways, you walk off with a smile on your face. During cab ride back to your office you don’t get on your phone like you usually do. You just sit there and watch the city go by.

You close your eyes and just try to be in the moment. You’re terrible at it though. You always think about the future. What you need to do tomorrow or the next week or the next year.

You finally give up trying to be in the moment and pull out your phone. You call Quinn and ask where she is so that you can come get Nick. She tells you that she’s at her apartment and that Kurt is making Nick a new dinner jacket so you shouldn’t come get him until after work.

You have no idea why Nick needs a dinner jacket, but you tell them you’ll be over after work. Before you can hang up, Quinn asks if you’d like that have dinner with them. You agree because you don’t want to be alone tonight with your thoughts. You don’t know if you can keep fighting Brittany out of your mind without other people to distract you.

So you sit at your desk for the rest of the day, twirling your pen in your fingers, talking to PR people about ad campaigns on the cheap.

“Because this is a play about revolution and going against the grain, we were thinking about a guerilla marketing campaign,” the man says presenting you with a poster board. “As you can see this is a poster that the prop department is going to put on the wall of the street scene.” It looks old and faded. It does look authentically antiquated. “We’ll place these on posts and in the subway. People are curious right?” he asks, but doesn’t wait for you to answer. Which is good because asking dumb questions like that and expecting an answer gets people fired. “So they’ll type in the buzz words into their favorite search engine and come up with the play’s website.” He pulls a different poster board from behind the first one and it’s shows the website. “It’s very steampunk. Very kitsch. Very simple.”

Simple is right. The website has the name of the show, the opening date, and the address of the theatre. “That’s it?” you ask.

You can tell that you’re making him nervous. You almost feel bad for this poor kid who probably just graduated from NYU or Columbia. Almost being the key word though. He shakes his head, “As we get closer to the opening date, more information will be added. Production stills, maybe some musical numbers. Maybe a banner that says, ‘Introducing…. A different cast member every week.”

“I like that,” you make a note and then look back up at him, “What about live marketing?”

“A-absolutely,” he says putting his poster boards away. Apparently he wasn’t prepared for this. “We could have some of the cast do an impromptu performance on the streets. Time Square, subway platforms, Central Park.”

“Do singing and dancing?” you ask, leaning back in your chair.

“Yes or just dancing,” he offers, “You can have your choreographer plan the dance and maybe someone arrange the songs acoustically.”

“I love that idea,” you tell him and then make another note. “But my choreographer doesn’t have time for that.”

“Then maybe one of your dancers can,” he adds hopefully.

Of course one dancer comes to mind immediately. You really don’t trust any of the other dancers with that either. “Okay. I’ll find the acoustic arranger and the choreographer. You do the research come up with where and when to have these pop-up performances.”

He seems relieved that the meeting is over and leaves as quickly as he can as you set a date for an meeting in a few days with the people you pick out.

Well, there’s no more avoiding Brittany now. You need her again.

But you’re done working for the day. You’ll call Brittany tomorrow and talk to her.

When you get to Brooklyn, you find that Kurt not only made Nick a dinner jacket, but he and Quinn have been playing dress up with Nick for most of the day. When you step inside of the apartment, you see Quinn and Nick in the living room. “Why is Nick wearing a skirt?”

“It’s a kilt,” Kurt says, adjusting the plaid garment.

Nick smiles at you and runs over, “Mama!”

You pick him up. “Let’s save the kilts until St. Patrick’s day. When he grows up, he can wear whatever he wants, but for now, he’s going to wear the more playground friendly pants.”

“Boo,” Kurt calls and stands up. He walks over and hugs you anyway, “Thanks for letting me make clothes for him. I have a lot of time to kill.”

“Thanks for watching him,” you see the large pile of clothes on the couch, “You made all this today?”

“Yes,” he nods. “The last show I did had a lot of leftover material because it closed the day after it opened.”

“That happens,” you tell him. “I got some new lights because of that. Most of the things get reused it’s kinda incestuous.”

Kurt hums in agreement before going into the kitchen, “I’m making miso soup and Quinn brought home vegetable tempura rolls.”

“Is Rachel coming?” you kiss Nick’s head then look to Quinn.

Quinn nods, “She should be here in a few minutes.”

You take Nick with you to the couch and sit down. Quinn walks over with you and a smile grows on her face, “How did your date go?”

You almost forgot that you had a date. You were dwelling on the fact that you have to call Brittany tomorrow. You force a smile, “It went great.”

Quinn notices and sighs, “But you’re still hung up on Brittany.”

“Brinny,” Nick grins at you like he expects you to tell him that she’s on her way. He hasn’t seen her in two days either. It rips your heart out too, but if your son’s happiness is wrapped up in Brittany, you’ll grin and bear it because he’s your world and you want him to be happy.

You rub Nick’s head and then kiss it, “If I could help it, I would.”

Quinn reaches forward and grabs your shoulder. She pulls you to her and wraps her arms around you. You just lean on her shoulder and allow her to hug you. In fact, you welcome this. Nick even pats Quinn on the arm in a hug.

“Do you really want to be with her?” Quinn asks.

You sit up and set Nick down on the floor where Quinn put some of his toys. You sit down on the couch. “Britt and I talked about how… I never felt like she loved me the most. I was always her… back up or whatever.” You try to disassociate yourself with your words because you feel a knot creeping up the back of your throat.

Quinn looks saddened by your words. Tears tease the bottom of her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Santana.” She pulls you into her arms and you just let her.

You both sit on the couch and watch Nick play around for a while. You sniffle and try to keep the tears back. So you change the subject, “How would you feel about me flying Puck for this new marketing campaign we’re launching for the show?”

“Do what you have to do,” Quinn shrugs, “Puck and I are good.”

“Good,” you nod. The first time the PR guy said acoustic arrangement, Puck was your first thought. If he can’t do it, there’s always Sam and Joe, but Puck was your friend for a lot longer than anyone else, even Brittany and Quinn.

The large metal door slides open and Rachel walks in beaming. Of course it fades when she sees you and Quinn on the couch. “What’s wrong?”

Kurt walks into the living room and puts his hands on his hips. “Santana’s upset. Either Breadstix is closing or…?”

It dawns on Rachel. She nods and walks over to the couch and sits on the other side of you, “No matter what happens with you and Brittany, we’re here.” Rachel puts her hand on your shoulder.

“Thanks,” you sit up, “But I’m fine.” Being vulnerable in front of Quinn is one thing. Being vulnerable in front of Kurt and Rachel is completely different. You run a hand through your hair and look around, “What’s that smell?”

“Oh!” Kurt says and runs back into the kitchen. There’s banging around and he returns with a smile on his face, “Dinner is ready.”

They don’t really have kid friendly chairs so Nick sits in your lap.

Dinner is nice and everyone talks about their day. You avoid talking about yours and Quinn gives you a sympathetic look. You’re really over that so as soon as dinner is over you take Nick and leave. You promise to call Quinn tomorrow and grab a cab.

You pick up your phone against your better judgment and send a text. _Nick misses you. Can you meet us for some ice cream?_

You only have to wait two blocks before she answers. _Of course. How about the one two blocks  from your apartment?_

_Perfect. We’re on the way._

Nick gets really excited when you walk into the ice cream parlor. Brittany is already there, sitting at one of the tiny white tables. She stands up and Nick gets really excited. You love that they get excited to see each other. You set Nick down and let him run to Brittany.

Brittany beams and scoops him up. “Hey Nick.”

There’s something so beautiful about the way they interact. They always connect like they haven’t seen each other for years. Maybe it’s some weird subconscious transfer from you to him. Maybe when you were pregnant, you thought about Brittany enough that Nick just absorbed it and was predisposed to love her.

When she looks up at you and smiles, you can’t help, but smile back. She picks up Nick and waits for you to catch up with them before walking up to the counter.


	13. Chapter 13

It’s dark outside, but bright inside the ice cream parlor. You sit by the window with Nick and Brittany, slowly eating your espresso ice cream.

Nick is rattling on about his day. He tells Brittany as well as he can about his new clothes. “Unky Kurt!” Then he pulls at his shirt with wide eyes at Brittany.

You chuckle and when Brittany looks at you, you freeze. Things are tense between you, but you’ll stand by what you said. You won’t stop Brittany from seeing Nick. No matter what.

You clear your throat and decide to bring up business so you don’t have to talk about feelings and shit like that. You ask her if she would like to choreograph the street performances and she immediately agrees. Then you have nothing else to talk about so you prod Nick, asking him about his clothes.

You let Nick do most of the talking for the remainder of the outing and when he’s done with his ice cream, you clean him up as best you can. “I think it’s bath time.”

“Can I-“ Brittany starts and then swallows, “Can I help?”

You could never say no to her. You nod and then stand up. You walk back to your apartment and ascend the elevator in silence. When you unlock the front door, Brittany is right behind you with Nick in her arms. He’s getting sleepy so a quick bath will be in everyone’s best interests.

She carries Nick to your bedroom where she sits on the bed and you walk into the bathroom to start the bath. You hate how natural this all is. It’s so easy for you to be with her and take care of Nick together.

When the bath is full enough, you call, “Britt?”

She walks into the bathroom with Nick and you both carefully undress the sleepy boy and set him in the bath. Brittany essentially holds him up while you wash him, making sure to get the ice cream out of his hair (no idea how he managed to get that there). Then when he’s done, Brittany holds a towel open across her arms and you set him it.

Brittany wraps him up and cradles him like an infant. As she’s softly drying off his chest, her hand slows to a stop and she just looks at him. His eyes slid closed a few seconds ago, but she’s not interacting with him. He’s just looking at him with the most loving and heartbroken look on her face and you don’t know what to do about it.

However before you can decide, Brittany shakes out of it and carries Nick to his room while you drain the tub and clean up the water. As soon as you’re done, you walk to Nick’s bedroom to put a diaper on him and put him to bed, but you find that Brittany has already done both.

You both stand near the doorway and just look at him in his bed. Finally Brittany walks out of the room. You turn on the nightlight and then walk out of Nick’s room as well, but you don’t see Brittany until she walks out of your bedroom.

“I was hanging up the towel,” she tells you then grabs her bag off of the couch. “I have to run, but thanks for the ice cream.”

She doesn’t hug you or kiss you or anything intimate at all. She just walks out the door like the apartment was on fire.

You decide to work so you don’t think about how amazing all of that was and how weird Brittany was acting. You check the time and then convert that time to LA time. When you realize that it’s only seven in LA, you dial a number you haven’t called in a long time.

“Hey girl,” Puck answered, “Long time, no booty call.”

You roll your eyes, “I have a kid.”

“Is it mine?” he asks.

You roll your eyes again, “I would have had to have been pregnant for like ten years for it to be yours. I called to offer you a job.”

You explain the whole thing to Puck who seems really receptive. “I have some shows coming up, but if you email me the songs, I’ll see what I can do before the meeting. But you’re only giving me a few days.”

“I know. But you’re the first person I thought of,” you pause, “And Puck under no circumstances are these songs to get out.”

“Gotcha,” he says. “I’ll text you my email. I have some time tonight.”

“Thanks Puck,” you say, “I’ll see you in a few days.”

After you email him the music, you take your laptop with you to your bedroom. As you get ready for bed, you listen to your favorite internet radio station. It relaxes you enough to crawl into bed and turn off the lights. Tonight you don’t try to understand what’s going on. You just accept it or put it off until later. Either way, you close your eyes and let yourself go to sleep without trying to overthink anything.

Over the next few days, you don’t see Brittany. You don’t seek her out, but you’re not actively avoiding her. You feel like that’s a good step, but you still get nervous the day of the PR meeting.

You have to go pick up Puck from the airport before the meeting. You hope he finally got rid of his ridiculous mohawk, but when you pull to the passenger pick up area, you see that your hope was destined to fail. He has a mohawk now, plus a goatee. As he walks to your car, you pray that Nick never, ever wants to look like Puck.

You get out to open the drunk for Puck and he smiles. “Hey, Hot Momma.”

“I will give you fifty dollars to never call me that again,” you tell him as he sweeps you up in a hug.

He chuckles and looks you over, “You didn’t have a kid.”

“Yeah I did,” you quirk an eyebrow.

“Your bod is still bangin’,” he says and laughs when you glare at him.

They walk to the car and get in. He immediately pulls a CD out of his backpack and puts it into the CD player. “One of my producer buddies owes me one so we recorded the arrangements I came up with.”

They’re really good. You think that this PR stunt might be a great idea.

When you get to your office, the office assistant, Cecily, looks excited to see you. She stands up and follows you and Puck to the conference room. “You got a call from Randy telling you that he dropped off the light.”

You nod and open the conference room door. You find Brittany, Rachel, and the PR guy sitting at the conference table. You pause at the door, letting Puck brush past you to say hi to Rachel and Brittany. You tell her, “Send him one of those extra make-up kits we have.”

Cecily adds, reading from a piece of paper in her hand, as you stand in the doorway, “Also, Rory called. She said it wasn’t a big deal. She just wanted to know if you had plans tomorrow and if Nick is allergic to anything.”

You can see Brittany staring at you out of the corner of your eye. You clear your throat, “I’ll call her back myself.”

“Okay,” Cecily grins, nods, and spins on the heel of her flats to walk back to her desk.

You close the door and look around the room. “Okay,” you say, looking at the PR guy. “You can go ahead and start.”

He talks to Rachel, Brittany, and Puck about the idea. All three of them seem really excited about it. They play Puck’s demo and Rachel hums her parts while Brittany starts hard at the table, working out dance moves in her head. You do have quite a team here. No matter how self-deprecating Puck can be at times, he’s really great at what he does. Brittany’s the best dancer you know and you’ve been working in the New York theatre industry for a few years you would know. And Rachel will fearlessly perform on any street corner you put her on.

The PR guy presents the three of you with a map of the city with red circles on it. He explains to you where is the best place to perform and why along with some statistics.

The meeting goes on for a few more hours. You’re close to ordering dinner when you all finally decide that you’re done. The dates are set, the music is finalized, and the performances are a go.

“Noah,” Rachel says with a smile, “Would you like to go to dinner with Quinn, Santana, Kurt, Brittany, and I?”

“Santana?” you ask.

Rachel smiles, “Yes. Quinn says she’s not giving Nick back until you come to dinner with us.”

“Is Nick your son?” Puck asks.

You nod. “I guess we’re going to dinner.”

Brittany doesn’t say anything. She just follows the group outside. Rachel hails a large cab for your group and Rachel pushes you in first. You duck and stumble into the backseat. You settle in just in time to see Brittany sitting down next to you. Rachel and Puck sit in the second row. She tells the cab driver where to go and he speeds off.

“How’s LA?” Rachel asks Puck.

You don’t hear his response because as Brittany is trying to recover from the speedy take off, she accidentally places her hand on top of yours. You don’t move it. You just watch as her fingers curl and run across the top of your hand. Then her hand disappears. You look up at her and see her look away from you, lean forward, and engage in the conversation that Puck and Rachel are having.

You sit back in a huff and look out the window. You know that you’re a mom now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t act your son’s age occasionally. So as soon as the cab stops, you jump out of your seat and brush past Puck out the door before Brittany can even move.

You walk straight into the restaurant and immediately spot Quinn and Kurt at a large table with your son. He claps and says, “Mama!”

You smile and pick him up out of his chair. You kiss his head as he hugs your neck. You sit down in the chair next to Quinn with Nick in your lap. Rachel doesn’t look really happy when she walks up to the table, but you’re not giving up your spot next to the one person at the table that will tell it to you straight about your unrequited feelings for the blonde who sits down across the table from you.

“Brinny!” Nick squeals and wiggles in your arms. You set him down and watch him run around the table. Brittany smiles happily and picks Nick up.

Rachel monopolizes most of the conversation in her excitement over the new ad campaign.

Nick gets passed around the table and eventually ends up back in your arms. Since Puck sat next to you, he’s been playing with Nick while you struggle to get him to eat his food. He’s too excited with all the people. Between Aunt Quinn, Uncle Kurt, Brinny, Rachie (Quinn taught that to him and Rachel says Nick is the only person cute enough to ever get away with calling her that), and Uncle Noah (because Nick trying to say Puck ended up badly with a few strange looks from the elderly couple a few tables away) Nick wears himself out and falls asleep before dinner is even over.

You’re the first one to excuse yourself. “I have to get Nick to bed,” you tell them, “But I’ll see you later.”

Puck jumps up and to follow you. You’re glad because it looked like Brittany was starting to get up. He pulls out his wallet and throws a couple bills down on the table. You see that it’s enough to cover everyone’s dinner. He smiles and promises to see everyone tomorrow.

 “Where’s your hotel?” you ask him as you walk out, “I’ll get you a cab.”

“My hotel?” he asks, quirking an eyebrow at you.

“I told you that you were in charge of where you’re staying,” you tell him.

He smirks, “Right and I’m staying on your couch.”

You rub your eyes, “Fine.”

He chuckles and puts his arm around your shoulders, “I couldn’t get a decent hotel on such short notice and I heard you have an awesome place.”

You have to agree. “I can change the sheets and you can sleep in my bed. I can take the couch.”

He shakes his head as you hail a cab, “Couches are great.”

When you get back to your apartment, you put Nick to bed. You get some blankets and a pillow for Puck who has his guitar out and is in a t-shirt and his boxers. He started a fire as well and poured two glasses of wine.

You put the blankets down and sit down on the opposite end of the couch, picking up what you’re sure is the wine meant for your.

“I have to say that I’m offended that I’m not the last guy you slept with,” Puck says as his keeps playing softly.

You roll your eyes, but chuckle as well. You lean back on the couch and shrug, “He was a one night stand that didn’t want anything to do with a kid. To be honest, I’m glad he didn’t.”

“I thought you’re a lady loving lesbian,” he says and stops paying for a moment.

You nod, “I am.” You take a sip of your wine and then continue, “I was really, really upset. And you know how I used to jump you every time I was upset in high school?”

He laughs, “Yeah.” He picks up his glass of wine and takes a sip, “You know, I saw you staring at the posters on my wall of the almost naked chicks a few times when we were doing it. At the time I was hoping for a threesome, but it all makes sense now.” He sets his guitar down and leans back, putting his arm on the back of the couch. “What’s going on with you and Brittany?”

You sigh, “The same thing that always happens. I love her and she doesn’t love me. Quinn told me to get over it. I’m working on it.”

“Quinn told me not to tell you to go for it,” Puck tells you, “Which is still my advice.”

“When did you talk to Quinn?” you ask.

“I talk to her on the phone sometimes. I called to tell her I was coming here,” Puck looks over at you, “But you already told her.”

You finish off your wine and set the glass down on the coffee table. “Do you ever miss high school?”

He looks like he thinks about it for a moment, “Well, things were easier. I didn’t have to pay rent. But I think we did high school okay the first time.”

You slowly nod, “Yeah. No need to try to relive it.”

“Right on,” he nods.

You stand up and fold your arms in front of you, “I’m going to bed.”

He swallows the rest of his wine, “Me too.” He flops back on the couch and pulls a blanket over him. It doesn’t unfold completely so his legs are exposed. You automatically reach down and fix the blanket covering his legs.

“Thanks mom,” he mocks you.

You throw another blanket over his head. He laughs and moves it to look at you, “Goodnight, Santana.”

“Goodnight, Puck,” you say and walk off to your bedroom.

Puck’s right. There’s no reason to relive high school. It was turbulent enough for you. Doing it again will only make things worse. The only problem with that is that you’ll always love Brittany the most. Even if she doesn’t even love you at all.

=+=+=+=+=+=+

You slowly wake up a few minutes before your alarm. You turn it off and lay back in your bed. You want to take a minute to just take in that it’s a new day before you have to get moving.

“Brinny!”

You sit up quickly at the sound of your son’s voice. You trot down the hallway and into the kitchen where you find. Puck holding Nick with one arm while he flips what looks like French toast.

Puck chuckles. “Yeah, Brittany has long, blonde hair. But the princess’s name is Rapunzel. And the evil stepmother keeps her in the highest room of the tallest tower so that no one will find her.” He makes a shocked face. “But one day a bear walked by the castle doors.”

Nick puts his hands over his mouth, “Oh my gosh.”

“It’s a big bear,” Puck puts down his spatula to put his arm up, “Like bigger than Shaq. And he knocks on the door and says ‘Open this door or I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down’!”

“Is this the part where the three wise men come down to spin the driedel?” you cut in.

“Mama!” Nick smiles, “Rupzel!”

He get so excited, it’s so adorable. You walk into the kitchen and take him from Puck. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” he rests his head on your shoulder in a hug.

“Is he allergic to cinnamon?” Puck asks, looking through your spice cabinet.

“No,” you shake your head. “You didn’t have to make breakfast.”

“Yeah I know,” Puck smiles, “But the little man was hungry.”

“Are you hungry?” you ask Nick.

He nods and tries to get you to move closer to Puck. You move closer to him and he pats Puck on the shoulder. Puck turns around and Nick grabs at Puck’s nose. Puck chuckles, “Oh, no! You got my nose!”

Nick cracks up like it’s the funniest thing ever.

You can’t help, but laugh. You flip on the coffee and take Nick to the table, “You should have come and gotten Mommy.” You kiss Nick’s cheek.

“Ittar!” Nick points to the living room.

You look into the living room and see Puck’s guitar leaning on the couch. You smile at him, “Good job Nick. That’s a guitar.”

“I think I might have woken him up,” Puck says, putting all the french toast on to a plate and taking it to the table, “I thought of a new idea for a song in one of my dreams.”

You sit Nick down and get him some milk. Then you get Puck and yourself some coffee. It’s crazy how empty your apartment has been for the past two years with just you and Nick and now a whole line of people from your past keep parading through.

“What are you going to do today?” Puck asks, taking a bite of his breakfast.

You cut up Nick’s before answering, “Drop Nick off at daycare then go to work.”

“Oh, you don’t have to drop him off today,” Puck says, “I was just going to hang around here and work on the songs for that ad thing. Rachel’s going to come over after she’s done with her fitting to help. I’m sure Quinn’s coming too.”

“Are you sure you can watch him?” you ask Puck.

Puck nods, “Yeah. I used to watch Beth all the time. Nick’s easy anyway. He likes it when I sing.”

“He loves music,” you look over at your son who is scarfing down the French toast almost as fast as you can cut it up.

If Quinn is coming over, you’re sure that Puck can take care of Nick until then. He did pretty well before you woke up anyway.

After breakfast you go get ready. It only takes about half an hour so you get some time to watch Nick dance around to Puck playing guitar.

“I love you, sweetheart,” you give Nick a kiss.

“Love you too,” Puck jokingly calls after you.

You pick up your purse, “Call me if you need me.”

“We’ll be fine mom,” he calls. You roll your eyes. Then you check your purse, grab your keys and some coffee, and leave the apartment.


	14. Chapter 14

You call Puck right before you leave the office for lunch. You ask him what he wants to eat and bring him and Nick home some Thai food. When you find out that Quinn and Rachel are there, you add to the order.

They’re laughing when you walk into the apartment. You’re sure Nick did something cute before you walk into the living room and see that he’s not there.

“Where’s Nick?” you ask right off the bat.

Puck looks up from the couch at you with his signature look telling you to chill out, “I put him down for a nap. Playing dinosaurs wore him out.”

“Oh,” you walk to the table and set the paper back with the food down. You start taking out the food. “How was he?”

“He’s perfect,” Puck grins. It’s almost stupid how he smiles. He’s always loved kids despite his bad boy rep.

Quinn and Rachel walk to the table and Puck soon follows. It’s quiet for a while and you realize how much you enjoy having company.

But of course, a few minutes into lunch Rachel says, “Remember that time…” and the high school stories start flowing. Puck spills some of your secrets that he was never supposed to, like that time he took you to see Gilda in the old theatre in Lima that runs old movies because you were both bored and you cried, and you return the favor by releasing the fact that not only has Puck seen Brokeback Mountain, but he enjoyed it. But every time someone mentions a story with you in it, it’s always, “You and Brittany were…” or “I think you and Britt were sitting in the back…” or “Brittany was on her way to meet you…” and every single time you yearn for her to be here so you could hear her add things or just watch her smile.

As soon as lunch is over, you check on your sleeping baby boy. You kiss his forehead before quickly grabbing your things and making your way out the door. You have the craziest urge and you’re going to go with it.

You don’t know what you’re doing. Your body is on autopilot. You follow the address on the piece of paper you scribbled the address on during that fleeting moment in your office. When you get there you quickly walk into the building you’ve seen before and up the stairs. Her apartment is in a back corner and you immediately knock on it for fear that you would lose all courage if you give it too much thought.

There’s a fleeting fear that Jonathan is there, but you push that away because you can hear the locks on the doors click back and Brittany’s blue eyes peer at your as she opens the door.

“Santana what are you -?” She tries to ask, but you move forward, your lips crashing together almost painfully.

She doesn’t seem to be trying to stop you. Quite the opposite, she pulls you inside and then uses your body to close the door. You don’t notice how small the apartment is until she pulls your knees out from under you, pressing you to the door, and then holds you around her waist as she walks across the single room to the bed.

She pulls back onto her knees and easily tugs your boots off. Then she places her hands on either side of you, lowering herself down to kiss you again, hard and desperately. You bring your hands up to her face and keep her pressed down against your mouth.

She unbuttons the front of your shirt while moving her kisses down to your neck. Once your shirt is open, she gathers the sides of it in her hands and pulls you into a sitting position. This seems to be so that she can push it off of your shoulders and toss it away.

A whistling interrupts you. Brittany pulls away and both of you look to the kettle that’s whistling on the stove across the room. Brittany hops up and prances over to the stove. She turns it off and turns back to you.

You sit on the corner bed and look at her. The windows in the room make her white tank top seem brighter. She runs a hand through her hair making her hair fall perfectly around her face, framing it in just the perfect way. Her tiny shorts barely cover her long lean legs. She looks nervous or scared or…something you can’t put your finger on, but it worries you.

She takes a few more seconds before walking over to the bed. You feel her hand rest on top of your head and run down to cradle the back of your head. Then she leans down and your lips smash together. You can feel the need in this kiss. It could be yours. It could be hers or it could even be both together, but its mere presence is enough for you to forget all your reservations and pour yourself into the kiss.

Her lips frantically move against yours and you grab her shirt, pulling it over her head and tossing it away to join yours. She’s not wearing a bra and seems to feel the need to catch you up. She unhooks your bra and instead of sliding it down your arms, she uses it to pull your arms up over your head and then lay you down on your back again.

You forgot the kind of ecstasy you could experience as you’re naked and writhing under Brittany. She still remembers every little thing that turns you on and gets you off. And you missed the taste of her skin and how she moans when you touch her in just the right place.

Everything feels right when you’re touching each other. Every touch sets you on fire and every kiss makes you feel safe.

Your toes curl and your back arches with the latest of many orgasms. Just as your fingers that are digging into Brittany’s back start to relax, your phone rings.

Brittany moves off of you and you hop up. You find your purse on the flood by the front door and dig out your phone. You don’t look at who it is. You just answer it. “Yeah?”

“The stage directors called and said that the lights are in yet,” Cecily tells you. “And a…Rodger called. He said that he needs the revised budget.”

“Fine. I’ll be right there,” you tell her and hang up your phone. You drop it back into your purse and start getting dressed.

You grab your bra off of the ground and put it on, then your panties.

“Santana, what’s going on?” Brittany asks. She’s laying across the bed with her head propped up in her hand.

“I have to go to work,” you mumble and pull your pants on. Then you grab your shirt and shrug it onto your shoulders.

“I mean with us,” Brittany states and sits up. She moves to the corner of the bed.

“I don’t – I don’t know,” you shake your head. “I don’t know what-” You’re exasperated at this point. Mostly with yourself. You don’t know what you’re doing. “Look, I’ll call you.”

You don’t give her a chance to answer. You grab your bag and run out the door. You obviously didn’t think this through. You just felt the need to be with her. To kiss her and to touch her. To be touched by her.

When you hail a cab, you flop down into the seat and drop your head into your hand. You rattle off your office address then close your eyes. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

“Are you okay?” the cab driver asks.

You forgot that he was there for a moment. “Yeah.” You run a hand through your hair and sit up. “I’m fine.”

He gives you a glance in the mirror that you’re sure means that he doesn’t think you’re telling the truth, but he’s not going to pry. He just drops you off at your office with a swipe of your credit card.

You do what you have to do at work and then some more. You can drown yourself in work and not think of anything outside. Except Nick. You sit at your desk as it’s creeping up on five. You take a deep breath. You have to go home. You just hope Quinn isn’t still there. You’ll walk in and somehow she’ll know exactly what you did after lunch.

When you walk into your apartment, you find that not only is Quinn there, she’s in the kitchen cooking.

“It’s kinda gross that you, Puck, Rachel, and Kurt are playing house with my kid,” you drop your purse by the door and shrug off your jacket.

Quinn smiles, “It’s hard to help it.” She beckons you over and you step up to her. She give you a taste of the sauce she’s making.

You hum, “That’s really good.”

“Thanks,” Quinn says. She keeps stirring it. “Nick’s not allergic to anything is he?”

“No,” you shake your head.

“Are you ready for tomorrow morning?” Quinn asks.

“What’s tomorrow morning?” you ask and then it downs on you. It’s the first street performance advertising your show. “Shit,” you take a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

You nod, “Just make sure Rachel’s saving her voice.”

“Oh wow. Alert the media. Santana Lopez is worried about Rachel Berry,” Quinn smirks and turns to get down some bowls.

“She’s going to make me a lot of money,” you roll your eyes. You walk out of the kitchen before Quinn can have more time to figure out that you had sex. You don’t know how she’d do it, but you know she would.

You make your way to the living room where Kurt, Rachel, and Puck are all seated on the ground playing with Nick. Nick keeps handing out stuffed animals and then rearranges them.

When he sees you though, everyone is forgotten. He runs toward you. He trips over Puck’s leg, but you catch him and pick him up. “Hey Little Man. Did you have a fun day with Uncle Noah?”

“Yay!” he yells.

That’s good enough for you. You sit down on the couch with him and look down at everyone. “What did you guys do today?”

“It was our day off so we hung out with Nick and Noah,” Rachel smiles. She gets up off of the ground and helps Kurt up. She grins, “And resting up for tomorrow. I’m so excited. Did you talk to Brittany? Is she excited too?”

You somehow nod and shake your head at the same time. Then you clear your throat, “Yeah. Of course.”

“Santana,” Quinn calls. “I need your help.”

You stand up with Nick in your arms and walk to the kitchen. When she sees you, you think that she knows. She turns around and leans back on the counter, “What’s going on?”

“What?” you act dumb. Maybe she’s talking about something else. Something that doesn’t involve Brittany.

“You’re acting weird,” Quinn states and crosses her arms.

You shake your head, “I’m just tired. It’s been a long day and we have to do the street show tomorrow. I’m not even sure that my assistant actually got the permits from the city yet.” You turn to your son, “But I don’t wanna talk about work right now. I’m home. I wanna spend time with my son and my friends.” You fix the unruly hair on Nick’s head and then look at Quinn.

She’s smiling at you. “You’re a great mom San.”

“Thanks,” you nod. That does mean a lot.

After dinner, Rachel, Kurt, and Quinn go home. Puck lays on the couch and watches tv when you tell him that you’re going to give Nick a bath and got to bed.

You make sure that the bath is warm enough and then you put Nick in it. You lean on the side of the tub and watch him play. You remember when Brittany helped you give him a bath. She made all the boat noises and taught Nick now to blow bubbles in the water.

You watch Nick play around before finally getting around to cleaning him. You don’t need to think about Brittany or how right everything feels when you’re with her. You just need to stop. You need to forget her and not accidentally sleep with her at lunch anymore.

Nick is falling asleep when you dry him off so you put him a diaper and place him in your bed. You put pillows around him and then lay down next to him. He’s such a smart, sweet boy. You don’t know where you’d be if you didn’t have him.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Quinn has rehearsals the next day so you drop Nick off at his daycare and then go with Puck and Rachel to the first performance spot. It’s a pretty corner of the street with trees and old buildings. There’s a lot of foot traffic which is good. You look at the fliers in your bag. There are only three, but you were assured that that’s all you would need to get the ball rolling.

“Hey,” Brittany says as she walks up to the group, “Sorry we’re late.” She has two back up dancers with her just like the plan.

You swallow and have a hard time looking at her so you turn to Puck who is tuning his guitar. “You ready?”

He nods. “Always.”

You look behind you and see that Brittany is looking back at you. You turn around, all business, and ask the dancers if they’re ready. Rachel steps in and says that consummate professionals are always ready.

So you take a few steps back and look at them. You’re in jeans and a faded red Henley with a brown jacket. You’re supposed to blend into the crowd. As far as you can tell you don’t stand out at all.

Puck starts playing and then Rachel starts singing and the dancers do their thing. A small crowd starts to gather and a larger crowd. You make your way through the mass of people. You ‘accidentally’ drop one of the fliers and then hand one to a girl in a knit cap and oversized hipster glasses.

You move to the other side of the crowd and stand still, looking at the flier. You feel someone look over your shoulder and look up. You catch Brittany’s eyes. She’s staring right at you as she dances. You melt a little bit as you watch her. She’s so amazing.

You feel more people looking at the flier in your hand so you hand it off and then walk off. You round the corner where you parked your car. The street is basically empty except for the cars. That’s great though. You walk right to your car and lean on the side. You take a deep breath and cross your arms, bowing your head.

Everything isn’t going how you planned. You didn’t even have a plan to have a relationship with anyone. You were okay having sex during lunch one to two times a year. Not with your ex but with a temp at work or the barista down the street. Not with anyone that would stick around and especially not with Brittany.

You hear clapping around the corner and know that it’s over. You can’t avoid Brittany anymore. So you decide that if she’s going to be hanging around you, everyone else will be too.

You hang out by your car until the group comes to find you. You tell everyone that they did a great job and then offer to take everyone to lunch at the diner down the street. Everyone agrees and you lead the way with Puck.

Everyone sits down at two tables pushed together. You manage to sit across the table and down a few chairs from Brittany. You feel really conflicted. You feel bad that you showed up and slept with her and left. You also want to do it again. You want to apologize, but you want to be mad at her for inserting herself into your life and making you want her again, remember what you’re missing. But right now you're just sitting at the table with her struggling for the ability to speak in her presence.


	15. Chapter 15

“Santana?” you hear in the bistro as you’re staring really hard at the salt shaker.

You look up and see Rory with a takeout bag in her hand. You smile and stand up. You hug her and pull back to ask, “What are you doing here?” It’s a dumb question, but it seems standard when you run into someone you know somewhere you’ve never been.

“They have the best sandwiches in the city,” she says gesturing to her bag. She smiles easily and asks, “How are you?”

“Great,” you tell her and look over the table where everyone is looking at you, “We just finished a street performance.”

“Oh yeah that was amazing,” she says, keying in on Rachel, “I caught the first part of it. You’re incredible.”

“Thank you,” Rachel says brightly.

Rory looks at Puck too, “And the guitar playing was fantastic.” She moves down to the three dancers at the other end of the table, “And the dancing of course. I’ve always been jealous of dancers. I have two left feet.” She jokes.

You can see that Brittany is not amused in the least and doesn’t even feign a laugh. The other two however do.

Rory seems to sense the tension. She turns back to you. She hugs you again and whispers, “I can see this is a bad time. But if you want to go out again sometime, call me.” She kisses your cheek and waves goodbye to the group as she leaves.

“Damn San,” Puck leans back in his seat and slouches down, “Who is that?”

“Rory,” Rachel answers for you with a grin, “Santana’s been dating her.”

“One date,” you state and try not to look at the other end of the table, “She’s my caterer.”

“Oh, well I guess that makes sense because you both like to eat-umf,” Puck starts, but you kick him under the table.

“I hate you,” you tell him and then pick up your phone. “I’m going to call Quinn.” You stand up and step outside ready to escape the looks that you’ve been getting from the other end of the table.

As you’re dialing Quinn, you look into the large window at the front of the bistro. You can see that Brittany is looking back at you. You quickly avert her eyes and take a few steps down the sidewalk away from the front door and window.

“Hey,” Quinn says cheerfully.

“Hey,” you answer, “I’m just calling to check on Nick.”

“He is a little angel,” Quinn replies. You always knew that Quinn loved children. She just gets a huge smile on her face around them and you love that she loves Nick. “We’ve read Winnie The Pooh twice though. I think he’s obsessed.”

You nod. Of course he is obsessed with the book the Brittany gave you. The one that you two used to read to each other. The one that not only means so much to the both of you, but is also a symbol of your relationship when it was perfect. “Great. Do you need anything? I think I’m going to come home early. Maybe take Nick to the zoo.”

“Can I come?” Quinn asks hopefully.

“Sure,” you nod. You were terrified at first that she would find out what you did, but you may actually need to talk to her to be able to sort everything out.

When you walk into the bistro, everyone is talking about LA. Apparently Brittany spent a few months out there before coming back to New York. You join the conversation as much as you can and pay for everyone’s lunch. Brittany rode in with the other dancers so she leaves with them, sending you an awkward wave as the two dancers pull her away. You drop Rachel off at the theatre and then take Puck home with you.

You come home to find Nick and Quinn sitting in the living room, playing with blocks. Nick jumps up and runs to you, “Mama!”

You sweep him up and kiss his cheek, “Hey sweetheart.”

Quinn starts picking up the blocks and looks up at you with a smile. “How did it go?”

“It went great,” you answer. “I’m going to call the PR guy tomorrow and see how many hits we got on the website.”

Quinn puts the blocks up and then comes back out with a diaper bag. “I already packed a bag for our little trip.” She places it on the couch.

You nod, “Awesome.” You turn to Nick. “Are you ready to go to the zoo?”

“Zoo!” he claps. “Tigers! Rawr!”

Everyone laughs. When it tapers off, you turn to Puck, “Are you going to be okay by yourself?”

He falls down on the couch and picks up the remote, “Do you have cable?”

“Yes,” you reply.

“Then yes,” he says.

You open your junk drawer and glance inside, “Who has my extra key?”

Quinn leans on the counter thinking about it. “I’m not sure. I think Kurt locked up last time we were here, but I’m not sure. Rachel was really nervous and she wouldn’t stop talking so I walked her outside to get some air.”

You shrug and close the drawer. “Well Puck if you want to leave, you’re just going to have to lock the door and stay out until we get back.”

“The Godfather is on,” he calls from the couch, “I’ll be here all day.”

You shake your head and mutter to Quinn, “He’s in New York, but he’s going to sit on my couch and watch TV.”

Quinn chuckles and slings the diaper bag over her shoulder.

The trip to the zoo is quiet. You want to breach the subject of what you did yesterday after lunch. When you get to the zoo, you pay for the tickets and Quinn pushes Nick in his stroller through the gate. You make your way past the reptile house that none of you want to go in. Just past that, though, is the aquarium.

You let Nick out of the stroller and hold him so that he can see. There aren’t many people at the zoo because it’s the middle of the weekday. He squirms in his little way that tells you that he wants you to put him down. You do and he leans on the gate between the public area and the glass.

Quinn is standing right behind you and you take a deep breath. You turn to her in the blue hue of the room, “I did something I shouldn’t have.”

Quinn takes a moment before her eyes turn to you, “With B-r-i-t-t?”

You nod and look down at Nick to make sure that he didn’t learn to spell while you were at work. He didn’t and even if he did, he’s enamored with a manta ray and wouldn’t have noticed.

“Was it…” she trails off, knowing that you’ll know what she’s talking about.

“Yeah,” you answer, knowing that Quinn will be disappointed in you, making you disappointed in yourself. “Yesterday after lunch.”

She’s quiet and you look at her. She takes a deep breath, “You told me because I’ll tell it to you straight right?”

You slowly nod, “I think so. I just… I don’t know what to do.”

She crosses her arms and turns to the fish tank. “You deserve to be loved as fiercely as you love.”

Your heart sinks. She’s going to tell you that it’s a bad idea. She’s going to tell you that you should move on.

“I guess,” you sigh. You look down and kick at the blue floor, “But what if-” You shake your head, “Never mind.” It’s always too hopeful to think that Brittany will pick you and somehow prove that she has always loved you the most.

“I’m going to talk to Brittany,” the blonde next to you states. When you look at her she adds, “It won’t be mean. I just have some questions. I promise.”

You shrug and look at Nick. This is all so fucked up. Everything is so entangled. Nick loves Brittany and Brittany loves Nick. Brittany’s in your show. It’s not like you can just ignore her or sever all ties. Nick would be heartbroken. Plus you’d see her at work anyway.

Quinn puts her arm around your waist. “Santana,” she tightens her hold on you, pulling you to her, “You know I just want you to be happy and to be with someone who deserves you.”

You nod slowly, watching Nick mesmerized by a shark swimming past. “I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Quinn says and stands still while you rest your head on her shoulder. She rubs your back supportively and you don’t think you could articulate how deeply you appreciate her being here for you through basically every terrible decision you’ve ever made and every heartbreaking event in your life.

You all stand there like that, Nick trying to get as close to the fish as he can while you and Quinn just stand there until Nick is done with the aquarium a few minutes later. So you put him back in his stroller and Quinn pushes him to the next animal.

After the zoo, you take Quinn to dinner and then part ways there. You have a feeling that she’s going to meet with Brittany because she’s been texting someone for about half an hour with an extremely thoughtful and slightly annoyed look on her face.

You take Nick home and find Puck asleep on the couch. So you quietly give Nick a bath and then put him in your bed. He falls asleep almost immediately and you lay down next to him with you hand on his stomach. Sleep isn’t going to come easy tonight so you’re just going to watch Nick.

You start dozing off when you hear footsteps. You look up at the door and expect to find Puck sleepily looking for the bathroom or something. Instead, in the light of the hallway you see Brittany standing in the doorway. She’s just standing there, one hand on the frame. Her hair is limp and hanging in her face. You can see that her eyes are red. You don’t know what happened, but you have a feeling that Quinn had something to do with it.

You want to talk to her. You do. But you can’t right now. You’re too tired. You mumble, “C’mere,” before you lay your head back down.

You can hear Brittany hesitate before walking over to your side of the bed. You reach blindly behind you and feel her jean clad leg. You move your arm up until you catch her hand. When you get it, you tug down. You let go of her hand for a moment to let her get rid of what clothes she wants to before you reach your hand back up and wave it limply around.  She takes your hand and you pull her down. She moves easily with your tug and settles in behind you. You take her arm and wrap it around your waist.

“San,” she whispers into your hair.

“Shhh,” you shush you. “Can we just be here right now?”

She doesn’t say anything. She just molds herself to your back and settles in. Her hand sneaks under your shirt and rests gently on your stomach. She’s slowly stroking it and you have to ask because when you had sex with her she did the same thing, “Why do you keep doing that?”

She hums softly, “Doing what?”

“Rubbing my stomach like that,” you ask her.

“Oh, um, I… sometimes I think about what it would be like if Nick was still in there,” she answers you.

You take a deep breath and try to burrow into your pillow. You pull her arm tighter around you and close your eyes. You don’t need to know anymore. You know why. And you know you need to stop.

But it feels so good to be in her arms. You love having Nick and Brittany, your two loves, in the same bed with you.

At the zoo today, you were thinking about what it would have been like if Brittany had been with you. She knows so much about animals and could have told Nick so much more than you could explain from the plaques that you read. And she can teach him how to fix cars and motorcycles. She can teach him how to appreciate the things that you always feel too busy to appreciate. She can teach him life lessons without him knowing like Brittany always used to do with you.

You don’t want to take that away from Nick just because of your feelings. You can’t pull away from Brittany if…when she chooses to be with Jonathan. You want Nick to have Brittany in his life.

You don’t know if Brittany is asleep, but you can feel sleep overtaking you so you give into it, content in Brittany’s arms at least for the night.


	16. Chapter 16

You wake up to a soft tapping of your face. When you open your eyes Nick is only an inch from your face with a smile on his face. You can’t help, but smile back. “Good morning baby boy.”

He crawls on top of you and rests his head on your chest. You kiss his forehead as you roll onto your back. He pushes up on your stomach and grins, “Morning!”

After a moment, you remember that you and Nick didn’t fall asleep alone. You look around the bedroom and see that Brittany is gone.

It’s not like you could have a perfect morning where you wake up in the arms of the woman you love. Or that she’d stay the whole night just to be with you or watch over you. Maybe she had better things to do. Hot firemen to see. To marry.

Nick puts his hands on your face, “Mama.”

You look up at him and smile, “Yes?”

“Hungry,” he whines and falls forward on your chest in a hug.

You laugh. “Okay. Let’s go get some breakfast. After we change your diaper.” You sit up on the bed and smooth out Nick’s hair, “What do you say we start potty training?”

Puck is still passed out when you get into the living room when you pass it to get to the kitchen. You set Nick down at the table and give him some cereal. Then you start the coffee.

There’s another performance today so you can wear jeans which is nice. You get dressed and then dress Nick. Your moving around has roused Puck who takes a quick shower before getting dressed.

You glance out the window and see that it looks like it’s going to rain. Maybe there will be an awning where you’re performing. It’s just down the street so if it does rain you can probably get home before you get soaked.

You run Nick to daycare with the unicorn that he won’t let go of and then go home. Puck is ready when you get back so you walk with him to the corner they’re going to be performing on. Rachel and the dancers that are not Brittany are there already. You look around and then take out your phone to see if she called or texted. You’re slightly worried. Okay really worried. Not that you have any right to be.

Just are you’re about to send a text asking her where she is when you hear one of the dancers say, “There she is.”

You look up and see Brittany jogging over. She looks right at you, “Sorry I’m late.”

You nod and dig in your bag for the fliers, “It’s fine. I just got here too.”

She stands in front of you, shifting her weight. She lowers her voice, “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay this morn-“

You cut her off with a  wave of your hand, “It’s fine.”

She studies you for a second. Then she flashes a smile and takes off her jacket in preparation of the dance. She looks around like she’s looking for somewhere to put it. You extend your hand and she places it with you in a grateful smile.

When they start you do what you did before making your way around the group, handing out fliers. You look through the buildings and see that it is raining in the distance. You think it’s probably moving your way so you get the fliers out as fast as you can.

The rain sort of washes over the street with a tide of umbrellas following it. Brittany, Puck, Rachel, and the dancers all keeping going with huge smiles on their faces. The crowd seems to get bigger, but this time they’re under umbrellas. You’re basically soaked to the bone by the time the performance is over. Rachel signs a few autographs and walks up to you. “Noah’s going to walk me to the theatre.”

You nod. You look behind Rachel and see that Puck now has an umbrella. He must has stashed it in his guitar case or something. “Be careful.”

Rachel beams and gives you a hug, “Thank you so much for all of this.”

“No problem,” you smile back at her and wipe the rain out of your eyes. Rachel walks off to Puck and they take off down the street.

Brittany walks over to you and you hand over her jacket. She shakes it out and puts it on. It’s soaked as well, “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep it dry.”

Brittany shakes her head, “No problem.”

There’s a crash of thunder and you look up at the darkening sky. “Are you walking home?”

Brittany looks behind her and nods as she turns her head back to you, “Maybe I’ll take the subway.”

“I’ll drive you,” you say against your better judgment. “I have to get my car keys from my apartment.”

Her face gets somber quickly and she licks her lips. “Okay.”

You don’t know what that means. You just turn around and start walking, knowing that she’ll be right behind you.

When you walk into the building, you turn your head to make sure Brittany is with you. She’s really close behind you so you quickly turn back around, moving forward. It’s awkward in the elevator, but when you get to your front door you’re glad that you have to unlock it. It makes you focus on something else.

But when the door is open, you push it open and let Brittany walk in first. All the lights are off when you close the door so the only light is coming from the dim day outside.

“Santana,” Brittany says softly.

You swallow and turn around to look at her. She moves closer to you and rests her hand on your cheek, gently wiping under your eye with her thumb. “You had some…” She shows you the black on her thumb of what used to be your eyeliner.

You look down. “Th-thanks.” When you look back at her, she’s taking off her jacket. She sees you looking and holds your eyes as she drapes her jacket over a chair at the kitchen. You can see through her wet tank top. Her scarf is weighted down with rain water.

You take a step closer to her and then play with the fringe on the end of her scarf for a second. You look up and hold her eyes. There’s uncertainty in the beautiful baby blues you’ve fallen in love with a million times.

You slowly unravel her scarf and place it next to her jacket. You’re still so close to her, but you can’t seem to move.

She reaches forward and pushes your jacket off of your shoulders slowly dragging it down your arms. You’re not sure what happens to it because she runs her hands back up in the opposite direction before she rests her hands on the sides of your neck.

You know what’s going to happen. Part of you feels like it’s supposed to happen. Part of you knows that you shouldn’t. So you stand in place, not wanting to initiate.

You don’t have to though. Brittany leans forward and gently presses her lips to yours. She does it like she’s scared of what will happen. But god it feels so good when she kisses you. You both stand still like that, lips pressed together for a few seconds.

Finally you get to moving. You rest your hands on her sides and feel that her wet shirt is growing chilled. She starts moving her lips against yours, slowly and carefully, like she’s scared that you’ll break.

You tug at her shirt gently, pulling it up her stomach. You break the kiss and watch her eyes as you slowly pull her shirt up and over her head.

Her hands drop to your jeans, unbuckling your belt, then unzipping and unbuttoning them so that with one firm push, they fall around your ankles. She pulls your shirt up and over your head quickly, leaving you in your cami, before nailing you with a kiss. Everything about this is slow.

You feel her hands move down and cup your ass. A second later you’re being lifted up and your back pressed to the wall. Your wrap your legs around her waist, hooking your ankles together. Your damp hair falls forward and hers falls back as she lifts her chin to kiss you against. You run your fingers through her long, blonde hair.

There’s something about this moment- these moments- that you’re sharing with her that makes you want to wrap your arms around her neck and never let her go. Part of you will always belong to Brittany no matter what. A large, massive part of you will always be hers to protect or destroy.

She draws out the kisses that she drops lightly on your lips. A crash of thunder roars outside, but it doesn’t break the kisses. You could stay like this all day, just kissing her.

But Brittany disengages her lips from yours. She kisses you right under your jaw where she knows it drives you crazy.

Then she turns around and takes the few steps required to get to the couch. She gently lays you down as best she can and lowers herself on top of you. She doesn’t break physical contact with you at all. When you are pushing down her pants, she pushes her hand up under your cami that’s clinging to you. When your kissing her with your hands buried in her hair, she’s running her hands up and down your legs.

There’s something so different about the way she’s touching you. The slow, deliberate strokes of her fingers make you warm all over. They make your chest swell with emotions that threaten to overrun you. Maybe they already have. Maybe you’re just feeling everything at once.

The slow build leads to the most intense orgasm you have probably ever had. As your back arches and your fingers dig into her back, she holds your eyes. She watches the most intimate thing that you can share with her, unfold in front of her.

Then as she watches you catch your breath, tears fill her eyes. She sinks down into you and wraps her arms around you. If your throat wasn’t so dry, you’d ask her what was wrong. Maybe it has less to do with your dry throat and more to do with that fact that you may not want to know.

You wrap your arms around her shoulders and hold her there on top of you. You can feel her warm tears slide down your bare shoulder. You want to know what’s wrong. You want to make it right. Unless she’s crying because she’s letting go of this relationship. Then you want to continue to be wrong for as long as she’ll let you.

After a while, she moves off of you, standing next to the couch. You quickly stand up next to her. She swiftly places one hand on the back of your neck and the other on the small of your back pulling you in for another kiss. You can taste her tears on her pink lips.

When the kiss is over, you both pull away and start to get dressed. It always blows you away how easily you two move about, never getting in each other’s way and knowing exactly what the other needs.

You silently walk her to your car and silently drive her to her apartment. You park in a spot in front of her building and look out the window. The dreary day is starting to wear on you. You absently rub your chest because something inside of you is terrified that this is some kind of ending for you and Brittany and it’s giving you a deep hollow feeling in between your lungs.

“Come inside,” Brittany says quietly.

You turn to look at her. She’s looking at you with watery eyes again.

You can’t say no so you run through the rain to the front door and follow her inside.

She lets you walk inside first. The door closes with a dull click and the lock slides into place. You turn around to see her try the turn on the lights with the switch, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

A deep blue light is shining through her small thin windows. It’s enough so that you can see her moving toward you slowly yet purposefully. She cups your jaw and draws you in for another kiss. Your eyes slide shut, but not before tears enter your eyes. There’s something so sad about the way she kisses you and that sadness is creeping through your body like a virus.

What if she is kissing you one last time? What if she’s going to let you go again? What if this is how she’s telling you goodbye?

You throw your arms around her neck and pull her deeper. You don’t want to let her go. You never want to let her go again. You need her to love you like you love her. You need her to love you the most. It’s no longer a want anymore. You need it. You need her to know how you’ve felt since you met her.

She backs up toward the bed and sits down, pulling you into straddling her lap. You have both of your hands on her face, pulling her into you, kissing her desperately and ferociously trying to make her understand how much you need her. You feel so weak feeling this, but Brittany’s the only person that you’ve trusted enough to show her that sometimes you are weak.

All those nights when you lay in bed at night, pregnant and scared, you needed Brittany. All those nights that you were wake with a crying infant, you needed Brittany. All those days where you weren’t sure if you could handle a full time job and being a mom, you needed Brittany.

And now…now that you’re sure she’s slipping away, right through your fingers, you need her. You need her to need you. You need her to love you. You need her to understand that she’s your other half and you’re not the same without her. You’re never afraid because she was always there to protect your vulnerabilities. You’re never a failure because she was always there to hold up your dreams when you were just too tired.

Her hands slide up under your jacket, then under your shirt. Her hands are cool on your skin. You pull away from the kiss to compose yourself, but rest your forehead against hers with your eyes closed.

You feel her head move away from your and start to open your eyes before you feel her lips press to your forehead.

She moves, turning so that you’re moved onto the bed. Then she crawls up to the pillows at the top of the bed. She takes your hand, helping you up to the pillows. You lay down facing each other, just looking at each other for a while. Then she scoots forward, wrapping her arms around you.

You rest your chin on her shoulder and watch the blank wall in front of you. You start to close your eyes when you see a long silver chain on the nightstand. It coils around and snakes through the hole in the achingly familiar engagement ring on the night stand.

It feels like a diamond blade slicing right into you so you duck your head down, scooting a little down the bed so that you can tuck your head under her chin. But you can’t unsee it. It’s there on the nightstand taunting you like a relentless ghost, reminding you that Brittany is not yours.


	17. Chapter 17

You’re on your side with Brittany pressed behind you. Both of your hands are tangled with hers, fingers laced together. Her arms are bent outside of yours so that she’s holding your hands pressed to your chest. Her long, lean legs tangle in and around yours.  


She drops a kiss on the curve of your neck and rests her cheek on yours.  


“I’m glad you’re here,” she whispers in your ear.  


You grip her fingers more tightly and hold her arm around you, “Me too.”  


“I love-“ she starts.  


You cut her off immediately, “Please don’t.”  


She pushes up on her elbow against the bed and looks down at you, “Why not?”  


“Not when you’re…” you don’t want to say it, but you know you have to, “Not when you’re with him.”  


Her grip around you loosens and you don’t want this to be over this fast. You want to just lay there and ignore reality for a while. When she completely breaks away from you, you roll onto your back to look at her. She’s looking intensely at you, “I told him I couldn’t marry him.”  


That hits you like a bag of bricks. You look over at the nightstand, “But you still have the ring.”  


“He told me to think about it,” she sighs heavily.  


“Maybe you should,” you offer cynically.  


She gets upset. You can tell by the wrinkling of her brow and the frown firmly on her face. She pushes up off of the bed and grabs the first shirt she can get her hands on. It’s your white shirt that she pulls onto her shoulders and buttons one button in the middle. Then she looks at you, “You know what? I’m tired of people telling me to take my time and reconsider and think about it. I’m not stupid.”  


“I know you’re not,” rage flares inside of you and you wrap a blanket around yourself missing her body heat. You move to the edge of the bed and look up at her, “Brittany, you’re not stupid at all. Did he call you that?”  


“Of course not,” The look on Brittany’s face is blank. Then a smile creeps up on her face. She drops her head and shakes it. Then the smile falls and she starts pacing, “But I’m not a child. I’m allowed to know what I want and not have to think about it.”  
“What do you want?” you ask her, timidly. Your heart is pounding. This could be the end or the beginning. You just pray that you’re not stalled again like you seem to be so much with her.  


She crosses her arms and looks at you, “I want to be with you and Nick. I want that life. I know that it’s not that easy, but… I love you both so much.”  
You just look at her from your place on the bed trying to decide what you make of all of this and how you feel. Part of you still feels slightly nauseous like this is all going to fall apart anyway.  


“Can we…” she pauses, looking at the ground. She looks up at you through her eyelashes. She looks scared. She wraps her fingers around her elbow, “Can we try?”  


You look down at the ground. This is what you wanted, but it still doesn’t feel like you’re her first choice. You swallow and feel tears. You blink them back and look up at her. You don’t want to say what you’re about to say, because it could crush Brittany, but you have to say it for yourself. It actually hurts you to have to ask, “Do you love me the most?”  


Brittany seems to understand the unspoken questions behind that. She looks wounded. Her voice is shaking when she tells you, “I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you. I have always loved you the most.”  


You feel bad that that’s what it’s come to, but… you need to stop being a martyr in this relationship. You need to know that she does love you the most and she won’t leave you, and now Nick, for someone else.  


“Brittany… I,” you pause. You don’t know what to say. You don’t know how you feel. Everything is rioting inside of you and you can’t tell what’s what. You turn your head and you see it. “You have to give the ring back.”  


“Okay,” she nods immediately. “Of course.” She takes a step toward you.  


“And we need to talk,” you say, “Without…getting naked.”  


Brittany smiles softly, “Dinner?”  


“Call me when you give the ring back,” you tell her. You stand up and pick up your pants. You slowly get dressed while Brittany falls back onto the bed. You’re in your pants and a bra when you walk over to Brittany. You quirk an eyebrow and she just grins at you. “You’re wearing my shirt.”  


Brittany stands up, leaving not much room between the two of you. She unbuttons the shirt and shrugs it off, leaving herself completely topless. You take your shirt and look away from her before you initiate another round. After your shirt is on, you turn around and look at her. She has put on another shirt and is sitting on the bed looking at you.  


“Britt, I…” you start to say. You have to pause to regroup and finally get out what you need to say. “I can handle my heart being broken, but please don’t break Nick’s heart.”  


You can see a million emotions flash across her face before she slowly nods. “Santana, I wouldn’t ever-”  


“I know you love him,” you tell her, “but before we start something, if we start something, I need you to be absolutely sure because if we break up, we’re not the only ones that’ll get hurt.” You pick up your bag, “We can talk about it, but after the ring is gone.”  


“I’ll call you,” she tells you as you quietly open the door to the apartment.  


You just nod and take one last glance at Brittany, beautiful, sweet Brittany sitting on her bed, before you leave.  


As you’re walking down the stairs to the street, you want to turn around and run up the stairs, through the door, and tackle her onto the bed telling her that you love her and you always will, but you know that you have to apply the brakes for Nick. You’ve had your heart broken before, but you can’t handle Nick becoming more attached to Brittany than he already is only to have her disappear because of the blowout between you and Brittany.  


You pick up Nick early and take him to your office where you make a few calls while he plays with some of his toys that you keep around. You just need him to be there with you. You’ve always needed to have Nick with you in times of emotional turmoil.  


When you’re done, you think that you’ll just have a quiet night at home until you remember that Puck is there. You call Quinn and ask her if she can take him off of your hands for the evening. She asks you if everything is okay and you tell her the cliff notes version of what happened with you and Brittany.  
“Let me know if you need anything okay?” Quinn tells you.  


It feels so weird yet so great having all these people around you that weren’t there mere weeks ago. Quinn has slipped back into place as your close friend like you never parted ways at all.  


“Yeah,” you breathe out and pick up Nick. “I just need a few hours to chill. Why don’t you guys come over after dinner or something? I might need to… you know, talk.”  


“Of course,” Quinn says lightly, “I’ll bring the wine and cheesecake.”  


You hang up with her and by the time you get home Puck is gone. You let out a deep sigh and set Nick down. He stands next to you while you take off your jacket. You take his off and offer your hand to him. He takes your hand and the two of you walk to the living room. You flip on the fire and sit on the ground with your back against the couch.  


Nick sits down in front of you, his unicorn under his arm. He picks up his blocks and hands some to you. You start building a castle together. You love little things like this. Watching Nick’s face scrunch up while he tries to figure out how to balance the blocks to make them stand makes you smile. He’s adorable and so smart.  


“I love you, baby boy,” you tell him.  


He grins up at you, “Love you too.”  


You stroke his hair and let him get back to his toys. You build castles and houses and modern art looking things until it’s almost time for Nick to eat.  


When you open the refrigerator, you groan, “Shit.” You forgot about Rory and the leftovers in the refrigerator reminded you of her.  


You rest your forehead on the freezer door and close your eyes. Not that you feel like she’ll cause any drama, but you don’t know what you’re going to tell her. She knew what was going on and was really nice about it. That makes it harder. If she would have been angry about it or bitter about it then it would be easier, but she was so understanding.  


You close the refrigerator and order take out instead. You sit down and resume playing with Nick while you wait for it to arrive. You find yourself absently stroking the mane of the unicorn that Nick set to the side to play with his blocks. It’s not an unfamiliar habit. You used to do it in high school when Brittany was doing something like studying or picking out some music and you’d just play with the fake unicorn mane while you watched her.  


After you and Nick eat dinner, you give him a bath and you both lay on your bed and watch Beauty and the Beast until Nick goes to sleep against your side. You look at the other side of the bed, knowing that it would be so easy to call Brittany and she’ll come over to occupy that space. She’ll have her arm around you while Nick rests between the two of you – the perfect little family you always wanted.  


But you have to do some things for you and Nick first. You have to be sure that Brittany is sure. You meant what you said. You don’t want her to break Nick’s heart. You’d never forgive yourself for that.  


Your phone pings next to you on the night stand and you pick it up, opening the text from Quinn. She and Puck are on their way up.  


You move Nick to his bed and turn on the nightlight before going into the living room. You pick up the toys that you and Nick were playing with and then unlock the door. Just as you’re finishing putting the last of the dirty dinner dishes into the dishwasher, the door opens.  


Puck has a paper bag in his hand and Quinn has a pink box in her hands. “Hey,” she smiles and walks to the table. “Have a seat.”  


You quirk an eyebrow, but sit down. Puck sits across from you and takes a bottle of already chilled wine out of the bag. Quinn goes to the kitchen and comes back with your wine opener, some plates, and wine glasses. Then she goes to get silverware.  


“Why are you guys so quiet?” you ask them, eyeing them both.  


“No reason,” Quinn says and sits down next to you.  


Puck opens the wine and pours a glass for everyone, “How do you think the performance went today? I know it was raining, but we had a decent crowd.”  


You nod, “I think it went well considering.” You pick up the wine and take a sip.  


“Nick asleep?” Quinn asks opening up the pink box revealing a beautiful cheesecake.  


“Yeah,” you nod.  


She cuts the cheesecake and passes out slices until everyone has one.  


You lick your lips and decide to initiate what you really asked Quinn over for. “I told Brittany that she had to give the ring back before we could talk.”  


“She still has it?” Quinn asks, quirking an eyebrow.  


You nod, “It was on her nightstand.”  


“She hasn’t been wearing it though,” Puck says, “That’s good right?” He looks between you and Quinn, “I’m new at this feelings thing. I just noticed because I always check for rings after that time I hit on some biker’s old lady and he tried to shoot out my kneecaps.”  


You look at Quinn who just rolls her eyes, “Do you think she’s going to give it back?”  


You nod. You honestly do believe that she wants to make this work, “I’m sure she will. She really wants to try again.” You take another sip of your wine.  


“Awesome,” Puck says, picking up his cheesecake and eating it like a slice of pizza.  


“Awesome?” Quinn challenges him.  


Puck nods, mouthful of cheesecake, “They were always happy together. They were always cute and shit.”  


Quinn licks her lips, “But they broke up.”  


“Because I couldn’t be what she needed me to be that the time,” you state firmly. “Again…”  


“I’m sure you weren’t getting what you needed from her either,” Quinn says, “I mean obviously.”  


You frown. She’s right, but you’re mad. You don’t feel like she has a right to bring up old feelings that you’re over. “That was the past. At the time we weren’t what we needed from each other.”  


“What’s changed?” Quinn asks, passively but somehow combatively.  


You get frustrated and you start to get to your Snixxx place. You haven’t been to that place since before Nick was born and you don’t plan to go back, “Well first off, if you would have said something like that to me a few years ago I would have slapped you again. Besides we’re grown up now. We have careers. And if you haven’t noticed, I have a son.”  


A slow smile crawls across Quinn’s face,” I know. I just wanted to see how you felt about it before I have another talk with Brittany.”  


“Another one?” you ask her.  


Quinn nods. “You said it before. You’re my homegirl and I got your back.”  


It sounds so weird coming from Quinn and you both laugh. Puck joins in before his face gets stone cold serious, “Holy shit, we’re one old bat away from being the Golden Girls.”  


Quinn rolls her eyes. “Do you need to talk about it some more?” She reaches over and touches your arm, “I know there are a lot of things for you to think about.”  


“There are,” you nod, “But I think I need to talk them over with Brittany without going to our naked place.”  


“Naked place?” both Quinn and Puck ask.  


You look at your wineglass and see that it’s empty. Maybe you should stop drinking. “We’ve slept together. Twice. Well twice today. Three times altogether since…since the show.”  


“High five!” Puck offers his hand to you.  


You just look at him and Quinn takes his hand, putting it down on the table. Quinn wants to say something, but instead she takes a sip of her wine. You don’t ask because right now you don’t want to know.  


You take a bite of cheesecake and take a deep breath, “I just… I can’t resist her, you know?”  


“Yeah I know,” Quinn nods slowly with understanding in her voice.  


Puck just looks thoughtful across the table. You ask him how it’s going love-wise in LA. He just shrugs and says he doesn’t really have time for it. You feel like it’s a lie, but he doesn’t look up to talk about it.  


At ten you decide that you need to get to bed. You have to get to work in the morning. Quinn helps you clean up and then hugs you by the door. “Thank you so much for coming over.”  


Quinn smiles, “It’s no problem. Not ever. Especially for my homegirl.”  


You smile back, “Are you going to talk to Brittany right now?” You only ask because she kept texting someone as you were cleaning up.  


She nods, “I’ll be nice. I just need to talk to her.”  


You hug Quinn again. “I trust you.”  


Quinn grins and kisses your cheek, “Goodnight Santana.”  


You walk to the living room and find Puck laying on the couch with a blanket over him. You ruffle his mowhawk as you walk by. “Goodnight Puck.”  


“Goodnight San,” he rolls over.  


You check on Nick before going into your bedroom. You take a quick shower and then get into the bed. You have a lot to do tomorrow and you need some rest, but it doesn’t come easily.


	18. Chapter 18

When you wake up, you go check to make sure Nick is still asleep and then you look in on Puck who is drooling on your blanket. You go back to your room and take a quick shower. After the shower, you wrap up in a towel and walk to your bed. You sit down on the bed and start putting lotion on. Winter always tries to kill your skin.

As you put the lotion bottle back on the nightstand you notice that your phone is blinking. You pick it up and see that you have a text. You open it and see that it’s from Brittany.You see the time that it was sent and are surprised to find that she texted you at 3:57 in the morning.

You worry that something happened to her so your eyes shoot to the text. _I gave the ring back._

You look at the text and read it again. A simple sentence that means so much to you. You place your phone back on the nightstand and just think about that for a moment.

She ended it with him. She gave the ring back.

You don’t get to think about that for too long because Nick wakes up and stumbles into your room with his eyes half closed. You help him crawl onto your bed and watch as he lays back down on your pillow. He looks up at you with sleepy eyes and you smile. You brush his shaggy hair away from his face and kiss his forehead, “Good morning baby boy.”

He pats your cheek and mumbles something you don’t understand.

You step into your closet and put on something other than a towel. When you’re in some smart black pants and a white cami, you walk back to the bed and lay down next to Nick. You rub his back. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“Waffles,” he mumbles.

You chuckle and kiss his head. “Let’s change your diaper first.”

After changing Nick, you take him to the kitchen and get out everything to make waffles. You set Nick at the table with some cereal that will tide him over until the waffles are made.

Nick is his usual noisy self while eating and you’re sure that he wakes up Puck because into your second waffle Puck is wandering into the kitchen in boxers and a muscle shirt. He walks sleepily past Nick, ruffling his hair in the process, and sits down next to Nick. Puck’s mowhawk is wilted and messy as he folds his arms on the table and rests his chin on his forearm.

Nick stands up in his chair and leans on the table to hand Puck a cheerio. Even a grouchy morning Puck isn’t immune to Nick’s kindness. Puck smiles and accepts it, “Thanks little dude.”

Nick just grins and sits back down. You put the first two waffles on plates. You cut one up and then take both of them to the table, setting them in front of each boy. Then you get the blueberries and syrup for them. When the coffee is done, you pour two cups and get Nick some milk. Finally you get to sit down with the boys after you throw another waffle on top of Puck’s diminishing stack.

As you eat you look over at Puck, “Are you excited to get back to LA in a few days?”

Puck actually looks sad. He shakes his head. “Not really.” He leans back in his chair and puts down his fork, “It’s not as great as… as I told you guys it was.” He shakes his head, “I don’t know anyone there. I’m just kinda a nobody.”

“Move here,” you tell him. It seems logical. You’ll have more jobs for him in the future. He knows plenty of people. You know that New York can be a cold place, but at least here he’ll have support.

He looks up at you, unsure, “You think I should?”

“If you want to,” you shrug, “The couch is yours for as long as you want it. I can start paying you to watch Nick while I’m at work and I’m sure going to have other shows that you can work on.”

“No you don’t have to pay me to watch him,” Puck shakes his hand.

“I’d rather pay you to watch him than pay his daycare,” you tell him. “I’d feel better if it was just you watching him than one lady watching ten kids.” It is the best daycare in the city, but you’d rather pay Puck the money and have someone teaching Nick about music one on one. Puck can be inappropriate at times, but you know he wouldn’t be like that with your son.

“I’d have to get my roommate to send my stuff,” Puck says like he’s scared to hope.

You smile, “Then do it.”

He lets out a smile, “Thanks Santana.”

You just nod. Then you get up and start clearing the breakfast mess.

Puck gets Nick up and takes him to the sink to clean up the sticky syrup. You offer to give Puck the day off so that he can make some calls and get his things in order, but he tells you that he’ll be fine.

However on your way to work you have a few phone calls to make. The first is of course to Rory. You owe her an explanation. You know that she always told you that she understood and that she was okay with just being friends, but sometimes people say those words and mean them until it actually happens. So you text her and ask her if she can meet you for lunch. She readily agrees and you immediately start trying to formulate what you’re going to tell her in your head.

But your thoughts inevitably fall onto the text message that your phone received at 3:57 a.m. You wonder why she sent it so late. There could be any number of reasons good or bad. You decide that after you explain everything to Rory that you’re going to call Brittany to make sure everything is okay and then set a time for you two to discuss how you’re going to move forward.

When you get to your office you walk past Cecily who immediately stands to follow you, telling you about the calls you missed and the appointments she made for you. You sit down and take all the notes she gives you, spreading them out over your desk.

Cecily starts walking out of the office before you call her back, “Hey did you get those potty training books I asked for?”

“Oh yeah,” Cecily says and scampers out. She walks back in with a stack of books. She sets them on your desk and then places an packet of paper on top of them. “And an outline of everything that those books say.”

You grin, “That’s why I pay you the big bucks.”

“You don’t pay me,” she says back.

You chuckle, “Well that’s why I sign that paper from your school that says you’re a good little intern.”

She rolls her eyes playfully and spins on her heels to walk back to her desk.

If Cecily didn’t remind you that you have a lunch date, you would have worked right through it. You have to hustle to get to the café on time and even when you arrive a minute earlier than you said you would, Rory is already there.

You smile when you see her. She smiles right back. She stands to greet you and you accept her hug, hoping it won’t be the last. She’s a great person.

You both leave your things at the table and run through the deli line quickly. When you sit down, you take a long drink of your tea. You don’t say anything for a long time. You just eat and drink your tea.

“Santana,” she says evenly. When you look at her she smiles, “You’re getting back together with your ex aren’t you?”

You sigh. You thought you were being subtle. You were sure that you hadn’t been silent for that long, but when you look at your plate you see that you’ve been silent for most of your sandwich. You take a deep breath, “We’re going to try.”

“You told me that coming into this,” she says sweetly although you can see the sadness in her eyes. You shouldn’t have even started to try this with her. You should have just left her alone.

“I’m so sorry,” you tell her. You’re sure that you’ve already said that and you will say it again, but you truly are.

She shrugs, “You love who you love.”

You look down at the table. You agree. If there’s anyone in your entire life you’ve ever been one million percent sure that you love it’s Brittany.

“We can still be friends right?” she asks hopefully.

You nod, “Of course.”

“Good because I’m catering one of your friends’ parties next week and I don’t want it to be weird,” she tries playing with you to make you smile and she succeeds.

She even pays for your lunch and hugs you in front of the deli. You knew she was going to make it hard for you in a good way.

As you walk away you think about what you’re about to walk into. You know that things are never really easy with Brittany, but what keeps you coming back are the moments when she’s holding you, or kissing you, or playing with your hair and looking at you like you’re the most interesting person in the world.

You look down at your phone and send her a text. _Dinner?_

She answers before you get back to work. She wants to meet you somewhere you’ve never heard of before at 8. You’re looking up the restaurant she picked out as you fall back into your chair behind your desk. The restaurant is about one block from your apartment.

You’re glad the restaurant is a casual place because Puck is absolutely no help in picking out what you’re going to wear. Rachel keeps trying to dress you up like you’re Quinn. Speaking of Quinn, she just sits on your bed playing with Nick. She hasn’t said anything about your date with Brittany. Not even a disapproving look or a smile. And it’s really starting to unnerve you.

So when Puck goes to lay down on the bed with Nick and Quinn, you pull Rachel into the closet, “What is Quinn’s deal? She’s freaking me out.”

“Don’t let her get to you,” Rachel tells you softly. Rachel smiles at you, “You’re doing something that makes you happy. Quinn talked to Brittany again. She won’t tell me what she said, but if she was really against this, she would say something right?”

You glance out of the closet behind Rachel and slowly nod, “Right.”

Rachel smiles and hugs you, “Let’s get you all hot so that Brittany forgets her middle name. Again.”

When you do get ready, you kiss Nick. You feel bad leaving him because everyone has been talking about Brittany and he wants to see her.

You get to the café to find Brittany already sitting there at the table. She looks exhausted, but when she sees you her face lights up. She stands up and hugs you. Your arms find their place around her waist and you squeeze her.

“I’m glad you came,” you hear her say before she lets go of you.

She waits for you to sit down before she sits down. You can see that she’s already most of the way through a glass of water. “How long have you been here?”

She shrugs, “Thirty minutes. I didn’t really have anything to do between work and now.”

“I forgot that you had work today,” you tell her, Work with the fact that she was awake at 4 a.m. has got to be exhausting, “We could have met tomorrow.”

“No,” she shakes her head, “I’m fine. I promise.”

“Why were you up at three in the morning?” you ask her.

She stirs her ice around in her glass, “Jonathan works the night shift so I went to the firehouse and waited for him to come back from a fire.”

You smile and look down at the table. She did it for you. The waiter comes up to the two of you and you order a simple dinner. Brittany does the same and moves her focus to you.

“How was your day?” she asks you.

You shrug, “Just work.” You think of something new, “Puck is kinda moving in with me.”

“Really?” she asks surprised.

You nod, “He wasn’t really having a good time in LA so he’s going to move in and watch Nick for me.”

Brittany grins, “Puck is your nanny?”

You laugh and nod, “Basically.”

“Do I…” she gathers herself and continues, “Do I still get to watch him sometimes?”

“Of course,” you smile softly, “He actually wanted to see you tonight because Rachel came over to help me get dressed and Quinn came over to be silent.”

Brittany bites her bottom lip, “You know she came to talk to me?”

You nod, “Quinn wouldn’t tell Rachel what happened.” You really, really, really want to know what went down between them.

Brittany plays with the edges of her napkin, “We talked about you and Nick. And how I have a lot to prove to you.”

Your immediate reaction is to want to tell her that she doesn’t have anything to prove to you. But you know that she does. You have this voice in the back of your head telling you that she never loved you that most and you don’t know what it’s going to take to make that go away, but it’s going to take a whole lot.

“I promised you that I wouldn’t break Nick’s heart,” she tells you earnestly, “I won’t break your heart either. I promise.”

You swallow. You don’t want to say what you need to say. You need to tell her that she’s promised that before and that you want so desperately to trust her, but you can’t right now.

“I don’t care how long it takes,” Brittany adds, “I love you the most and I want you to know it for sure.”

You can feel that she means it. That makes you feel better about everything. You take a deep breath and nod. “Thank you. For trying.”

She grins, “You don’t have to thank me.” She reaches across the table and takes your hand.

You hold her hand in yours and smile when she runs her thumb over your knuckles. Then she raises your hand to her lips and kisses your knuckles. Then she waggles her eyebrows and you laugh.

Dinner goes well and you have a good time. She pays for dinner. You start to tell her that paying for things doesn’t matter in this situation, but she tells you that she knows. She just wanted to. Then when you step out into the night you both look at each other.

“Are you driving home?” you ask her.

She shakes her head, “I don’t have a car. I was just going to walk.”

You look around and shake your head, “I’ll take you. We’re not that far from my place.”

“Are you sure?” she asks.

You nod and give her a smile, “Of course.”

As you’re walking across a street, Brittany takes your hand. She doesn’t seem to notice because she’s watching the traffic around you.

When you unlock the door to your apartment, you can hear Nick is still awake. He’s singing along with Quinn and Puck’s guitar. More like yelling, but it’s cute.

You follow the noise to the living room where Nick and is standing in the middle of a circle of your friends. Rachel and Puck join Quinn for the chorus, “And I said no, no, no, no, no, no. I said no, no. You’re not the one for me. No, no, no, no, no, no. I said no, no, you’re not the one for me.”

Nick claps excitedly and when he sees you, he runs to you. Of course the second he sees Brittany, he changes directions. She scoops him up and kisses his cheek, “Hey Nick.”

You move to the other end of the counter to pick up your car keys. Puck follows you over and gets some water while Brittany takes Nick into the living room. “I didn’t know you were the kind of girl that brought a girl home on the first date.”

You roll your eyes and look into the living room. Brittany is sitting in the living room floor playing with Nick. When Brittany sees you standing there, she kisses Nick and stands up. Quinn picks Nick up and carries him off to his bedroom with Rachel right behind her.

“You didn’t have to come right now,” you tell Brittany.

Puck walks past Brittany patting her shoulder, “Good to see you.”

“You too,” she says and then turns to you. She starts walking toward the door pausing so that you’ll go with her. “Quinn told me that I’m not part of your family…yet.” Her tone is serious and her sentence breaks your heart and give you hope. “I need to not… insert myself in Nick’s life until you’re ready.” She recited the last part like she was just repeating what Quinn told her.

She opens the door for you and you step into the hallway. You’re trying to think of a way to tell her that it’s okay and that she’s right. But she just takes your hand and walks you down the hallway. “Thank you for going on this date with me.”

“Thank you for taking me out,” you grin.

She swings your hand between you while you wait for the elevator. When you’re driving her to her apartment, you miss the feel of her hand in yours so you reach over and take it, lacing your fingers together between your seats.

All the way to her apartment, she uses her thumb and sometimes her fingers to caress your hand. When you pull to a stop, you both look at each other.

“See you tomorrow?” she asks.

You nod. Your last street performance is tomorrow.

She leans forward and you close your eyes waiting for the kiss. However you feel her soft warm lips press to your cheek. On your other cheek you feel her fingers lightly resting there. It’s lingering, but she pulls away and gives you a sweet smile. “Goodnight.”

She gets out of the car and walks to the front door of the building. She gives you one last wave and smile before she steps inside.

You smile to yourself and make your way home. When you walk inside you see Rachel, Puck, and Quinn sitting at the table drinking tea. You take off your coat and put it on the back of a free chair. You look at Quinn, “Are you staying over? I can get Nick and you can take his bed.”

“Where would I sleep?” Rachel interrupts.

“With Quinn,” you shrug.

“How was your date?” Puck asks, “Did you get lucky?”

You smirk, “No.” You turn your eyes to Quinn.

“I think Rachel and I are okay to get home,” Quinn tells you. She gives you a hint of a smile and hugs you.

“Lunch tomorrow?” you ask her quietly.

She seems to know that you want to talk and nods to you. You hug Rachel before she escorts Quinn out. Then Puck walks with you to the living room. You pause behind the couch and lean on it. He stands in front of your with his arms crossed.

“Did you have a good time?” he asks.

You nod and smile dreamily, “I did.”

He nods, “Good. I’m happy for you.” He hugs you and then jumps over the back of the couch onto his blanket and pillow.

You check on Nick before undressing and crawling into bed. You lay your head down and smile into the darkness. Tonight was amazing. You’re going to focus on that because you know that tomorrow will being with it a new set of problems.


	19. Chapter 19

“Why were you all funeral home last night when I came home from my date?” you ask Quinn over the booth at the restaurant that she picked out. Then your brain catches up with your mouth and you realize that saying things like “funeral home” might be insensitive to a woman whose mother recently passed away. So you clear your throat, “I mean-”

Quinn waves off your sad attempt at redemption. She shakes her head, “I wasn’t. I was just tired.”

“Don’t lie to me,” you tell her, “Especially to my face.” The waiter steps up to the table and seems hesitant to take your order. You order a margarita and Quinn just nods in agreement, getting her own. Then you order a salad. Again Quinn just copies you.

When the waiter leaves Quinn sighs, “I don’t know. I don’t want to see you get hurt. That’s just it. I just have reservations.”

“About me and Brittany or about Brittany?” you ask, “Or about me?”

“What happened the last time you and Brittany broke up?” she asks you.

“Nick happened,” you tell her. “But don’t you tell me that you would have it any other way. I got my shit together because of him.”

Quinn nods, “I’m trying to look at this objectively and that’s exactly my point.”

“Are you saying that Brittany is bad for me?” you ask her, “That the only reason that I got my shit together was because we broke up? Because let me remind you of the time before that when we broke up. I dropped out of college because I was too depressed to go to class or pay attention. She makes me happy.”

“As long as it’s worth it,” Quinn says.

It pisses you off that she keeps adding things like that when she talks about you and Brittany. You don’t fucking need her shit. You need to her calm the fuck down and let you make whatever mistakes you might make. So when the margaritas arrive you suck half of yours down and glare at Quinn from across the table.

Of course she’s the only person in the world that’s immune to your death stare so she just looks around and sips her drink, “I want you to be happy you know. You and Nick both.”

“I can make sure that Nick is happy,” you tell her. “I’ll protect my son.”

“I’m worried about who is going to protect you,” she says quietly.

You smile and shake your head, “I’ll be fine. Lima Heights for life.”

Quinn smiles back and reaches across the table to touch your arm. “Alright, I’ll stop bringing it up and I don’t think there’s anything I can say to Brittany that I haven’t already said.”

“What exactly did you say to her?” you ask.

“We just talked about this entire situation from your perspective. How sudden everything is and how you have to think about Nick now,” Quinn explains, sitting back in her chair. She takes a sip of her margarita.

You nervously run your finger over the salt on the rim of your glass and then wipe it off on your napkin, “Do you think we’ll make it?” There was infinitely more vulnerability in that sentence than you intended, but you have to know what Quinn thinks. Like she said, she’ll tell it to you straight.

She runs her tongue over her bottom lip, “If Brittany does all the things that she promised to me that she’d do, then absolutely. It’s never been a question of if she loves you or if you love her. The love is there.”

You nod. You know that. The love has always been there. It’s just a problem of getting to a place where the love can exist without something trying to ruin it.

“I think the more relevant question is do you think you’ll make it?” Quinn asks.

You look into your drink that’s starting to warm your stomach and make your head light. Then you nod, “I think we can.”

“That’s a good start,” Quinn lets out an approving smile.

Lunch goes easily after that. You don’t talk about serious things. You drink your margaritas and eat your lunch. It’s nice to have Quinn back as your friend. You’ve wasted too much time flipping from friends to adversaries and back.

When you get to your office after lunch, you sit behind your desk and as soon as you pick up the first invoice of the day, your cell rings. You see that it’s your mom. You check the clock on the wall and see that you have some time to talk.

“Hey mom,” you answer.

“Hey Santana,” she answered brightly. “Do you have a moment to talk?”

“Sure,” you lean back in your chair, “What’s up?”

“Hold on let me put your on speaker,” your mom says.

You hear a click and then you hear your dad whisper to your mom, “Did you tell her?”

“Not yet,” your mom states.

“We bought a condo,” your dad announces, “We’re moving to New York.”

“We were going to tell her together,” you mom scolds your dad.

“I’m excited,” he says in his own defense. “We’re not selling the house in Lima though. I am going to continue consulting at Lima Memorial occasionally, but we’re retired!”

You smile that they’re so excited. No one deserves to be happily retired more than your parents. “Where did you get an apartment?”

“It’s only a block from your apartment,” your mom says. “Don’t worry. I know you enjoy your privacy and we won’t bug you often.”

“No, it’s fine. Really,” you tell her. You’re glad they’re moving close. There are times when you’re trying to figure out how to handle Nick and you need your mom’s  help and advice.

You make plans with them to go furniture shopping with them in a few days. You kinda want to talk to your mom about the Brittany situation, but you don’t want to bring it up right now. You just tell them that you love them and look forward to seeing them before hanging up.

You plow through your work and finish with what needed to be done early. So you immediately take off for home and when you arrive there are toys everywhere. It’s quiet though so you look around and find Nick asleep on the couch and Puck asleep on the chair in the living room.

You smirk and shake your head. Puck is a great nanny. You move Nick to his bed before you quietly put down your things and tiptoe to your bedroom. You silently change clothes and then crawl into bed. You don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go to sleep, but you’re going to lay there and think.

It’s times like this when the apartment is quiet and you have time to yourself when you think about the biggest life changing event that’s ever happened to you. You let out a deep sigh.

You remember the night you found out you were pregnant. You felt like shit for a few days after a four day bender. You figured it was just a week long hangover until you were completely hydrated again and still throwing up. You knew what you did that night, but didn’t want to believe it. But you took a pregnancy test and fell down on the bathroom floor sobbing when you saw that it came out positive.

And the first person you wanted to call was Brittany. You wanted to tell her everything and ask her what you should do. You wanted her to be the one holding you while you cried on the bathroom floor, mourning your mistakes and your future problems. But no one was there to hold you.

The days you spent in bed were lonely. The nights and mornings you spent throwing up in the bathroom were cold and empty.

Your mom was there with you for most of your pregnancy, but that didn’t change that fact that you were single, alone, and pregnant. You didn’t want to bring a baby into a world of you and your problems.

But you did. You thought about it long and hard. You talked with your mom for countless hours and spent many weekends driving around upstate with your dad, thinking in the silence of each other’s company.

Of course your parents had obligations in Lima so they split their time between New York and Lima. Those times when you were left alone and the hormones took over were the times where you thought this was a terrible idea. How were you going to raise a kid by yourself?

But you feel like you’ve done a good job so far. Nick is happy and healthy. He’s smart and kind. And the most adorable baby boy in the world.

You wonder if it had been any different if Brittany had been there. If Nick would be any different, or if you would be any different. You can’t say you’d change anything about the past two years except many Brittany’s absence. Even if you weren’t together, you could definitely have used your best friend.

You pick up your phone and know that now you could call her. You could tell her that you’re thinking about her and it wouldn’t be weird. She’d tell you that she can come over if you want. You know that you could lay down with her in your bed and she would hold you.

It’s harder now though. She’s trying to prove to you that she loves you the most, but you think that that deludes things. She has something to prove and it’s going to be hard for you to believe some things she’s doing are just because she loves you or because she’s trying to win you over.

All of this is fucked up and you want to find a way to unfuck it.

You roll over and see the book Brittany gave you at Christmas on the nightstand. Winnie-the-Pooh is there in all his faded glory. You smile at the book and then into your pillow. She’s so thoughtful. She always gives the best gifts. Especially to you.

You pick up your phone again and open up your text messages. You pick Brittany’s name out and open a new message. You want to say something, but you don’t want to seem needy. You used to just text her all the time and not care if you sounded needy or clingy because for as many times as you sent her a text telling her that you were thinking about her or missing her, she sent just as many.

You put your phone down instead of texting her. You sigh and lay back down on the bed. You wish you could just text her. There’s really no reason that you can’t. Just your stubbornness and your fear of how complicated things already are without your emotional ineptitude.                                                                                                                                                                                               

You know that if you lay down for very much longer you will go to sleep so you walk into the bathroom to maybe take a shower. But when you get to the bathroom you find the towel rack empty.

So you cross the hall to the other bathroom and find your towel on the rack. You’re sure that Puck used it to take a shower so you’re just going to have to use a clean towel and wash that one. Maybe you should start labeling towels with little skulls on them so you know which ones he uses.

As you walk out something catches your eye. You turn back toward the toilet and squint your eyes. “Why is there a target in my toilet?” you ask yourself.

There, floating in the middle of the toilet, is a blue and white target with a hole in the middle. You read about these and how they’re supposed to help boys potty train, but Nick is not old or tall enough to use the toilet. You’re going to have to buy him a potty chair soon.

And when it clicks in your head it all makes sense. Puck got the targets for Nick obviously, but upon figuring out that Nick can’t actually use the grown up toilet, he decided to try them out.

You shrug. At least Puck won’t miss anymore.

You grab your laptop and get into bed. Maybe you can pay some bills and sort out some things at work while the boys sleep.

After all the bills are paid and some loose ends are tired up, you lay back into the bed. Again you find yourself reaching for your phone. This time you just check to make sure that no one needs you before you close your eyes for just a moment.

And just a moment is all you get because you feel Nick crawl up onto your bed. He cuddles up to you and you smile. Even though you would have liked a few minutes just to sleep, you could never be upset when Nick wants to cuddle.

You get to lay there for a few minutes, stroking his hair and cuddling, until he sits up and tells you that he’s hungry. You and Nick make your way past the now closed bathroom door and past the empty couch to the kitchen. You don’t feel like cooking so you look at Nick, “Do you want to go eat somewhere?”

He nods and you invite Puck when he gets out of the bathroom. You get Nick dressed and pull on some boots. You’re not super keen on wearing nice clothes right now. You’d rather be warm and comfortable. Your oversized sweatshirt hangs off of your shoulder and you throw your hair up.

Puck picks up your purse for you and hands it over. Then he opens up the front door. You pick up Nick and lead the way out.

When you get to the restaurant, you sit next to Nick across from Puck. Both of them look like they’re a really long blink away from going back to sleep, but they have to eat first.

“What did you two do today?” you ask Puck.

Puck rubs his eyes. “We played dart war, built a six foot tall lego tower, went down the street to the store and got a toilet target because I know you want to potty train the little dude and that’s what my mom used. But Nick’s too short. They still work by the way. Then we fell asleep playing unicorn flying thing.”

You smile and look at Nick, “Sounds fun.”

“Hey do you mind if I buy a fold out couch?” Puck asks, “You can pick out the color and everything, I just need more space.”

You nod, “Of course. Let me know if you need anything else.”

Puck shakes his head, “I don’t need anything else. Maybe like two hangers in the closet.”

“No problem,” you shrug, “I need to clean out my closet anyway.” You look over at Nick who is coloring on his menu and stir your water around in the glass. “I think I’ll take Nick off of your hands for a while tomorrow.”

Puck shrugs, “We don’t have any plans.” He smiles at Nick, “We like to play it fast and loose right little dude.”

“Right!” Nick grins back at Puck.

You’re glad they’re getting along well. You never really doubted it. Puck has a soft spot for kids just like Quinn does.

After a quick dinner, you take them home and say goodnight to Puck. Then you and Nick go to your room and lay down in your bed. He’s not going to go to sleep for a while so you turn on a movie and lay down with him.

Eventually he goes to sleep and you follow him easily.

In the morning, you sleep as late as Nick does. You cuddle in bed for a while before making breakfast. Puck left a note that says he’s going to look for a couch and if you need him to pick up Nick he can. As you eat your oatmeal, you look across the table at Nick, “Do you want to go to the museum today?”

“Yes!” he says excitedly.

“We have to go to Mommy’s office for a little bit, then we’ll go to the museum,” you explain to Nick.

He agrees readily and digs into his food.

You take Nick to your office and he plays on the floor while you do what you need to do for the day. It only takes about an hour. On the way out you tell Cecily that you’ll be out the rest of the day, but if they need something they can call you.

Nick loves the children’s’ museums around town and you hit up one before lunch and one after. Nick is smarter than most of the kids his age and you know it. He’s also smarter that most of the kids two years older than him.

You get a call after you leave the second museum that there’s a problem at the theatre so you make your way there because you’re only a few blocks away.

When you walk into the theatre you’re immediately sought out by the prop master in the lobby. If you had known it was a prop problem you would have sent someone else to deal with it. This guy is the best prop master for what you’re paying him, but he has a tendency to overreact. And you’re not talking about the tendency to overreact like it is expected in a large group of theatre people. In the last show you dealt with him, he thought someone stole an antique lamp from his prop closet and tried to make everyone stay in the theatre until it was found. So you were called in and the lamp actually was found. In a cabinet on the set, like the script called for.

“Hey Tony,” you adjust Nick in your arms and put on the best smile you can.

He smiles back, “I didn’t think they’d send you all the way down here. I just need approval to buy a table.”

“How much?” you ask. He’s being way too nice.

He hesitates and before he can say a number you tell him, “If it’s more than five hundred dollars, no. We’re on a budget, Tony.”

It takes you an entire fifteen minutes to explain to Tony that he can have his four thousand dollar table after the show opens if ticket sales are up so he better make do with the table that he already has.

As Tony walks away sulking you look at Nick, “So, you wanna go to the park?”

Nick claps excitedly and you grin. He can pull you out of the foulest moods in seconds. You can hear people starting to leave the theatre so you figure you better get out of there before someone else wants to talk to you and you’re stuck for hours after you promised Nick the park.

You have to set Nick down on the bench so that you can dig your phone out of your bag. You need to call Cecily and tell her to tell everyone else that Tony cannot have more than five hundred dollars unless it comes through you.

As you’re digging you see Nick turn around and shimmy off of the bench before running off. You abandon your search to follow him. “Nick. Stop.”

However he runs right into someone and wraps his arms around their leg. You look up at the person to apologize, but see that it’s Brittany. She looks down and smiles wide. “Nick!” She picks him up and gives him a hug.

You let out a relieved sigh. At least it wasn’t a stranger. The last thing you need is for Nick to go around hugging strangers.

Brittany turns away from the group she was talking to in the corner of the lobby and smiles at you, “Hey.”

“Hey,” you smile back, “Thanks for catching him. He’s never done that before.”

Brittany shrugs, “It’s fine. Are you working?”

“Actually I was just taking care of a problem,” you explain and resume looking for your phone now that you know Nick isn’t going to run off.

“Park!” Nick says excitedly to Brittany.

Brittany smiles at him, “You’re going to the park?”

As you retrieve your phone, Nick says, “Mama.” You look up at him and see him looking at you. He grabs a fistful of Brittany’s shirt and says, “Park.” Then he wriggles a little bit like he’s trying to get Brittany out the door. “Brinny.”

You look at Brittany, “He wants you to come with us.” You say it in such a way that you hope it just seems like you’re just translating and have no opinion on if she comes or not.

Brittany looks at Nick, “Do you want me to go to the park with you?”

“Yes,” Nick says with a grin, knowing that he got his wishes across.

Before Brittany can even look at you, you add, “We’re just going to Bryant Park. I understand if you already have plans…”

“I just wanted to make sure it was okay with you,” Brittany says earnestly. The look on her face tells you that she’s trying really hard to respect you and your wishes.

You nod. “Of course.” Nick wants her to go. And even if you don’t admit it, you want her to go.

Brittany turns to Nick. “Let’s go!”

Nick laughs and claps. Nick leans toward you and reaches for you. You lift him from Brittany and slip your phone into your pocket. You can call Cecily later.

Nick reaches toward Brittany and grabs onto the shoulder of her coat. Brittany moves with his pull toward you so that Brittany is a strong breeze away from her arm touching yours. Then he smiles and starts playing with your necklace.

Brittany grins and says goodbye to her friends. You start the way toward the door and Brittany opens it for you. “Thanks.”

She just smiles in return and follows you to the park. She smiles all the way to the park and you can’t help, but smile as well even though you don’t know why you’re smiling. When you step foot onto the park grounds you set Nick down. He takes your hand like he’s supposed to and looks around.

Nick tugs on your hand and pulls you over to the ice rink. Brittany is right behind you grinning like it’s the best day of her life. You watch Nick lean against the glass to watch the skaters whiz by. You watch the skaters all spin in a circle then back at Nick who is perpetually mesmerized by them.

“If I wasn’t so terrible on ice, I would take him out there,” you offer to Brittany. You sort of feel like a bad mom for not letting him out there when he clearly loves it so much and you feel the need to let Brittany know that there’s a reason you’re a bad mother.

Brittany grins, “You can’t be that bad.”

“I almost died roller skating that one time we went in glee club,” you state. “I would probably cut off my own foot if I tried to ice skate.”

Brittany chuckles and looks out over the ice. “I could take him.”

You look over at her and remember that she was the one that kept you on your feet when you were roller skating. She even did some tricks which made you panic and almost fall. When you look back at her, you know that your answer means more than Nick getting to skate. It’ll tell Brittany if you trust her enough with your son in a potentially dangerous situation.

You look back at the rink. There aren’t that many people, but it doesn’t really matter. You look back at Brittany, “Would you?”

A smile takes over her face, “Of course.”

You look down at Nick, “Do you want to go skate with Brittany?”

“Yes!” Nick throws his hands up in the air and jumps in excitement.

You walk down to the skate rental hut and pay for everything. Then you help Nick get his skates on while Brittany puts hers on next to him on the long blue bench sitting on a puzzle of rubber mats. Nick can barely contain himself. He keeps trying to kick his feet while you put on the skates which is dangerous for you.

Brittany has hers on before you can finish with Nick’s. When you’re done tying his skates, you look at your little boy with blades strapped to his feet and try to figure out what insane person decided that strapping blades to boots was a good idea.

Brittany stands up when you take your hands off of Nick’s skates. You help Nick stand up and watch him carefully shuffle to Brittany and take her hand. You’re still squatted in your spot in front of the bench when you look at them. You take a calming breath and stand up. The height difference between you and Brittany is greatly exaggerated because of the skates.

“I’ll take care of him,” Brittany tells you and kisses your cheek before carefully walking with Nick to the edge of the ice.

You watch as she easily steps onto the ice, turning around and holding both of Nick’s hands. You hold your breath while he takes his first step onto the ice. He slips right off the bat, but Brittany steadies him. Then he gets his other foot onto the ice and just kinda stands there looking down.

The whole time Brittany has the most adoring smile on her face. You can see her giving Nick instructions while she skates backwards in front of him. You use your phone to take a ridiculous amount of pictures as they slowly, but surely make their way around the ice.

Nick hasn’t quite figured out the gliding part of ice skating. He keeps trying to just walk.

There’s a couple that are trying to figure out how to skate together that almost run into Brittany and Nick, but Brittany pulls Nick out of the way long before a collision would happen. She was right. She’s going to take care of him.

Nick lasts longer out on the ice than you expected. You’re content to watch him learn as long as he wants. Nick even waves at you a few times after Brittany points you out while you’re video recording with your phone. But right before the forty-five minute mark you can see Nick point to you and say something to Brittany.

Brittany nods to him and picks him up on her arms. She takes one last lap around the rink before bringing Nick back to you.

“Did you have fun?” you ask Nick when Brittany sets him on the bench.

Nick nods. You can tell that he’s exhausted.

Brittany just smiles and takes off her skates, changing back into her boots. When you get Nick’s skates off, Brittany picks up her skates and Nick’s to return them. When she stands up, she winces and stretches out her back. Bending over for almost an hour, helping Nick skate couldn’t have been comfortable. But she does say anything. She just walks to the return counter and thanks the woman running the stand with a smile.

“’M sleepy,” Nick mumbles as you pick him up.

You smile, “Okay. We’ll go home and sleep.”

Brittany picks up your purse before you can reach for it and puts it over her shoulder. You smile in thanks and lead the way back to your apartment.

When you get home, you take Nick straight to bed. You pull off his coat and his mittens, then his little boots and pants. As you’re shimmying pajama pants onto him, you wonder where Brittany is. She didn’t walk back to the bedroom like you thought she would.

After Nick is tucked into bed, you walk into the living room to find her on her back on the couch.

“You okay?” you ask walking over to her and look down, searching for what is wrong.

She smiles, “Yup. Just a little tired and sore.”

“Do you need something for your back?” you ask.

Brittany sits up and slowly stands up. She’s well within your personal space and she lingers for a moment before taking a step away. “No thanks. I’ll just take something when I get home.”

“You’re leaving?” you ask, a little too softly for it to be just a curious question. You sort of…really want her to stay.

She nods with an understanding smile. She starts moving to the door and you follow her.

“Do you need a ride?” you ask her like you always do when she leaves you.

She shakes her head, “I’m going to take a cab.”

At the door she stops and looks at you. She places her hand on the knob and then leans down. You expect a kiss. You want a kiss. And you get one. Just not the one you really wanted.

Her lips rest and linger on your cheek before she pulls away. “Goodnight Santana.”

“Goodnight,” you breathe out.

Before you can be fully disappointed, Brittany opens the door and glides out.


	20. Chapter 20

It’s been a few days since you last saw Brittany. You’ve been super busy because the show opens in less than three weeks and there’s still so much to do. Your faithful intern Cecily suggests an opening night ball because Rachel’s character in the play talks and even sings, about wanting to go to one so badly. Everyone gets really behind it and you put Cecily in charge of it. She’s just an intern, but she’s smart and capable. She also knows when she needs help and who to ask which makes her grounded and efficient.

You’re on your way to the theatre just to make your presence known. The set better be done by now and you find that when you pop up occasionally the crew is more likely to keep working.

You walk into the theatre and stand in the aisle watching the rehearsal. Rachel is on the stage singing her song while the rest of the cast moves around behind her. You know the script like the back of your hand so you know that Brittany is probably not going to be on stage for a while, especially because this is a rehearsal. You figure that you can stay and watch for a little while though. You’ve earned it.

The director cut the music and is now giving Rachel some notes on where to stand so you step into one of the aisles and right at you sit down your phone vibrates in your hand. You look down at it and see that Puck is calling you. Normally you’d just mute the phone and go back to watching, but sometimes Puck calls you to ask if Nick is allergic to something or if he can have a toy bow and arrow.

“Hey,” you answer quietly so that you’re not interrupting the direction the director is bestowing on the cast.

But the second you actually tune into Puck’s side of the line you hear a crowd. “There’s a-” then the end of the sentence gets drown out in the noise.

“I can’t hear you,” you tell Puck.

“Fire!” Puck says louder into the phone, “There’s a fire in our building!”

“Is Nick okay?” you ask standing up and making your way to the exit. You can feel your pulse start to race.

Puck says something, but it gets lost in a crowd. Your mind starts racing with all the terrible things that could have happened to Nick. You get so panicked that you run all the way back to your apartment and get caught by a firefighter as you’re trying to run into your building.

Everything around you is a blur. You can see the lights flashing on the fire truck and see the firefighters moving around, but none of them have faces. You shove the firefighter away from you and start to move toward the building again.

“You can’t go in there,” he tells you.

“My son is in there!” you yell at him and try to get away. You can see the smoke billowing out of the top few floors of the building and that only serves to panic you more.

“We’ll get him,” he tells you.

That’s not good enough for you, especially when your son’s life in on the line. Your voice raises a few octaves and a few decibels as you start yelling at him in Spanish. It happens when you get so angry all you want to do is hit something. You got it from your Abuela, although you really wish you didn’t get anything from her.

Another firefighter walks up to you and bumps his fellow fireman. “I got this.”

You narrow your eyes at him like you’re something to be handled and start to storm past him. The new guy grabs your am and stops you from marching into the building. You start to resist when you hear, “Nick’s okay.”

You blink a few times and furrow your eyebrows. How does this guy know Nick’s name? Then you turn around and look at him. It finally clicks to you who is stopping you. You look over Jonathan’s ashen face and pull yourself together. It’s not time to act weird around Brittany’s ex. You’re focused on your son, “Where is he?”

Jonathan points to an area where a group of people you recognize from the building are standing, watching their homes go up in flames. You walk right over to the group and start looking around. You spot Puck holding Nick under a tree on the sidewalk. You quickly run over to them and as soon as Nick sees you he reaches for you.

His eyes are red and his face is wet. It’s obvious that he’s extremely upset. You kiss him and murmur things to him that make him better. You close your eyes and press your forehead to his as he clings to you. You feel tears fill your eyes. You hate it when Nick is upset. You blink back your tears and take a deep breath. You’re going to fucking hold it together.

“The fire alarm really freaked him out,” Puck tells you, hovering nearby. Puck looks up at the building, “I’m sorry. I didn’t get a chance to grab anything.”

“You got Nick,” you touch Puck’s arm. That’s what matters.

When Nick is calmed down you look up at the building. You can’t imagine how far down the fire got. You don’t live really near the top, but there’s no telling how much the fire destroyed inside.

There’s something so defeating about helplessly watching the building where you live go up in flames. It’s not necessarily going up in flames. You can’t actually see fire right now. Just lots and lots of smoke.

You take a deep breath and look around. Everyone else seems mesmerized by the smoke. Some of them look extremely upset and some people’s expressions are blank – like they can’t believe it.

It’s hard for you to believe it as well.

You look at Puck and notice that he’s wearing a muscle shirt and jeans. He looks like he’s getting chilled. Nick has a blanket around him and his unicorn under his arm, but he can’t be super warm. You dig your phone out of your bag and call Quinn. You want to call Brittany, but dragging her out here with her ex won’t make anyone feel better.

“Hey,” Quinn says happily, “What’s up?”

“There’s a fire in my building,” you tell her straight away. “Nick and Puck aren’t really dressed to be outside. Can they come over to your place to stay warm? I need to stay here and figure out what’s going to happen.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Of course they can come over,” Quinn says. “Do you need me to come out there with you?”

“No,” you tell her. “I need you to take care of Nick. He’s really upset.” As much as it kills you to part with Nick, you need to know what’s going on. You have to take care of this and you’re so lucky to have friends to help you.

You walk with Puck and Nick around the corner and hail a cab. You ask Puck, “Do you have your wallet?”

Puck reaches behind him and feels his back pocket. “Damn.”

You get your wallet out and hand him one of your credit cards. Then you give the driver Quinn’s address. “I’ll be there later on tonight.”

Puck pulls you into a one armed hug and you relax into the hug, allowing yourself a moment under his muscular arm. Then you kiss Nick and tell him that you’ll come get him as soon as you can.

When they’re gone, you walk back to the crowd watching the smoke. As you stare your mind races all over the place from where you’re going to stay to what you’re going to wear if they don’t let you back into the building before tomorrow. You have so much that you need to be doing right now, but you can’t help but stare.

You call Cecily and tell her what’s going on. You tell her that you don’t want anyone to call you unless it’s an emergency. She assures you that she’ll take care of everything that she can and offer her condolences.

Some of your neighbors tell you that they’re going to friends’ houses and ask you to let them know when the fire is out. You nod and promise to do so.

You’re about to sit down on the curb when Jonathan walks over to you. He’s sweating and sipping on a bottle of water. You cross your arms defensively on instinct. He stands next to you and looks at the building. You don’t mind this. Neither one of you have to look at the other.

“It’s almost out,” he tells you. “I’m pretty sure your apartment is okay. You may just need to vent out the smoke smell for a few days.”

You look down at the street and then nod, “Okay. Thank you.”

He lingers like he wants to ask you something. You can’t for the life of you figure out what it could be. You really only have one thing in common, two if you count the burning building in front of you.

“I just-” he starts. Then he shake his head and starts to walk away.

You have to quickly add an, “I’m sorry,” before he gets too far. You do feel bad for him. You were sure you were the only one that was going to get hurt in that situation.

He turns to you and says, “I always knew if she found you again I’d be old news.”

You hold his eyes for a moment before swallowing. You don’t know what to say to that.

He seems to know that and just nods before walking back to the other firemen.

You finally do sit down on the curb and watch as the smoke starts to putter out. You hope that all of your pictures are okay. And Nick’s favorite toys. And the book Brittany gave you.

Your phone rings just as you’re starting to think about going around the corner to get some coffee. You see that it’s Brittany. You’re so tired and emotional, upset about the potential loss you may be facing, that you just really need to hear her voice. It’s like she knew.

“Hello?” you answer, trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Where are you?” she asks. It’s not a cheerful question of your location. It’s serious.

You immediately get concerned that something else tragic happened. “At my building. What’s wrong?”

“I know you’re at your building,” Brittany says, “Outside of it. But where at? There are fire trucks everywhere. It’s hard to see.”

“I’m across the street sitting on the curb,” you say and stand up. You look around you and spot Brittany. She has her phone to her ear and is across the street looking around. When your eyes meet, she looks down the street and then jogs over to you.

You both hang up your phone and she sweeps you up into her arms. “How did you know what happened?” you ask her.

“I was with Rachel when Quinn called,” Brittany’s arms stay firmly around you and she gently sways you from side to side. She kisses the side of your head, “I’m so sorry.”

Be in the safety of Brittany’s arms makes you want to let your guard down. The stress of the show as well as potentially losing all of your possessions as well as your house is wearing on you and you don’t know how much more you can take. You close your eyes and allow yourself to just exist in her arms for a moment where you’re not overthinking it and you’re not analyzing it. You’re just existing.

 You drop your head onto Brittany’s shoulder and she tucks your head under her chin.

“It’ll be okay,” she tells you much the same way you told Nick earlier.

The tears in your eyes are fighting their way out and you burrow deeper into Brittany trying to keep them from winning.

You can feel Brittany breathing under you. The steadiness helps calm you. When you feel like you’re strong enough to stand on your own, you do. You take a step back from her and look back at the building. The smoke is substantially less than it was before and you feel like it’s almost over.

“There’s no electricity,” you hear a male voice. Your head turns toward Jonathan who isn’t wearing his fire jacket. He’s wearing a t-shirt and his fire pants. He adds, “There’s not much you can do tonight because you can’t go inside.”

You take a shaky breath and nod, “Okay.” You lick your lips and look at Brittany. You need her to tell you what to do. You’re kinda freaking out right now.

“Is Nick with Quinn and Rachel?” she places her hand on your back.

You nod and wrap your arms around yourself. You didn’t notice how cold you were until now. You just now notice the sun is going down. You add, “But there are already a lot of people living there. I’ll just get a hotel room I guess.” You look sadly up at the building, “I don’t have any clothes.”

“You can have some of mine,” Brittany says kindly. She wraps her arms around your crossed arms and you lean into her.

“Nick doesn’t either,” you sigh. You rub the bridge of your nose. “I don’t have time for this.”

“It’ll be okay,” Brittany says. She turns to Jonathan, “When is the power going to be back on?”

You look at him and he shrugs, “It could be tomorrow or in a few days. It’s hard to tell.”

You take a deep breath. That’s all you can do right now. Breathe. You ask Jonathan, “Did everyone make it out okay?”

He nods, “It’s looking like a kitchen fire right now and everyone got out before it spread.” He lets out a small smile, “I heard that your friend that had Nick was one of the first ones out of the building. He said that he had to get Nick out or you would have murdered him.”

“Damn right,” you let out a smile.

Jonathan nods at the two of you, “The super is going to call all of you when everything is sorted out, but if there’s no structural damage, you’ll probably be able to go back in tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” you tell him. It can’t be really easy for him to talk to you with Brittany wrapped around you.

They share a nod before Jonathan walks back to the trucks.

You decide that you have a plan now. You need to put it in action. “Can you drive me to Brooklyn?”

Brittany nods. You lead the way to the untouched parking garage around the corner and hand Brittany your keys. When you get in the car you look down at your clothes. “Can we go by your apartment so I can change first?”

“Of course,” she says understandingly. As she drives you call a hotel and get a room. The room you get has two beds in case Puck wants to stay with you and Nick.

When you get to Brittany’s apartment, she finds a spot right across from her building. The street is so quiet that it’s almost disturbing compared to your street that is full of firemen and trucks. Brittany’s building is well lit inside and you follow her up the stairs. She opens the door of her apartment and you both walk in.

She turns the lamp on and it lights up the room. You walk right to the bed and take your work shoes off. She steps into the closet leaving you on the bed. “Do you want stuff to sleep in?”

“Yeah,” you pull her pillow down to where you’re laying across the foot of the bed.

“Sweats?” she asks.

“Mhmm,” you say and hug her pillow to you.

Brittany steps out with sweat pants and a Henley for you to wear. You don’t move to get up so Brittany sits down next to you and rubs your back. Her hand slips under the back of your shirt, but it’s innocent. She slowly rubs your back. “I wish I could help.”

“You are helping,” you sit up and pick up the clothes she got for you. You stand up and unbutton your pants. You let them fall. After you step out of them, you pull on the sweat pants that are too long for you. Then you unbutton your shirt and change into the Henley Brittany got for you. When you look at her, you see her watching you intently.

When she catches you looking, she stands up and walks to her closet. She steps back out with a parka and some fur lined boots. “It’s cold.”

You pull them both on and then stand up. Brittany stands there as well with your keys in her hand. You take the two steps to her and wrap your arms around her neck. “Thank you so much.”

She holds you around your waist and squeezes you tight against her. You allow yourself a minute to just be with Brittany before you feel the need to get to your son.

As you cross the bridge into Brooklyn, Brittany reaches over without taking her eyes off of the road and rests her hand on your arm. You know it’s a sign of support. You rest your hand on top of hers and lean your head back on the headrest.

Her hand stays on your arm until you get to Quinn, Rachel, and Kurt’s place. You knock on the door and Quinn is the one to open it. She immediately gives you a hug, “Are you okay?”

You shrug. “I don’t know.” When she lets go of you, you brush past her. You need Nick.

He’s sitting on the couch between Rachel and Kurt. They’re telling him a story with different voices. Nick thinks they’re funny and you can’t bring yourself to break that spell right now.  So you linger near the door and look around the room. Puck is in the kitchen cooking something. There’s a towel over his shoulder.

You feel arms wrap around you from behind and the height of them tells you that it’s not Brittany. You lean back into Quinn and rub your eyes. “Is there anything I can do?”

You shake your head, “I’m just going to take Nick to the hotel and try to sort it out tomorrow.”

Quinn lets go of you, “Have you eaten? Puck’s making dinner.”

“I’m not hungry,” you shake your head.

“You need to eat,” she tells you and moves you toward the table.

You realize that you can’t see Brittany. You look around and don’t see you. You start to panic, “Where’s Brittany?”

“She went to go get her phone out of your car,” Quinn says and rests her hand on your arm. “She’s not going to leave after something like this.”

Brittany comes back and sits down next to you. Everyone else comes to the table. There aren’t enough chairs for Nick to have one of his own, which is fine with you. You want to hold him anyway. You share the spaghetti Puck made with Nick.

“Where are you staying tonight?” Rachel asks quietly over dinner.

“I got a hotel room,” you tell her. You turn to Puck. “There are two beds if you want to come with us. You really don’t have to.”

Puck shakes his head, “Quinn’s gonna sleep with Rachel and I’m going to take the couch here tonight.”

“It’s probably best anyway,” you say. “Can you still watch Nick tomorrow?”

“Of course. I was thinking we could hang out here,” Puck tells you. Then he looks at Rachel questioningly.

Rachel smiles, “Of course. Nick is always welcome here.”

You feel relieved knowing that Nick has somewhere to go. But it also reminds you that maybe his favorite toys are ruined and all his clothes are unsalvageable. You don’t want that for you son. Jonathan said that it looked like the fire didn’t make it to your apartment, but you’re still wary.

Quinn is sitting on the other side of you from Brittany and gently wipes Nick’s mouth. Nick smiles at her and she smiles back.

Despite Kurt and Rachel’s best efforts to keep you after dinner, you tell them that you just want to go to bed. So you and Brittany leave with Nick.

He’s asleep before you get to the hotel. You easily carry him inside and check in with one arm. Brittany follows you, carrying your purse and just generally there for when you need them.

When you get to the room you realize that it’s depressing walking to a hotel room with only your purse. You left your work clothes hanging in Brittany’s closet in her apartment and don’t have anything but your purse and the clothes you’re borrowing from Brittany. And Nick.

Brittany moves to the bed closest to the window and turns it down so that you can slip Nick into it. Then you sit on the bed next to him and sigh. She sits next to you and puts her arm around your back, “What can I do?”

You just sit there in silence for a long moment. You look at the generic carpet and the white sheets on the bed next to yours. The neutral colored wall across from you and the expensive yet easily forgettable lamp on the hard wooden nightstand. The flat tv mounted on the wall and the window overlooking a street or something.

You close your eyes, “Stay.”

Brittany nods. “Okay.” She says it in such a way that leads you to believe that she would do anything you asked of her in that moment. You can’t begin to think about the complexities of your relationship with her right now. You need your son and you need your…your Brittany right now. If she’s your friend or best friend or girlfriend right now, you don’t know, but right now you know that you need her to stay the night with you.

“Why don’t you lay down?” she asks softly.

You nod numbly and stand from the bed so that you can move the sheets down. When you shimmy under them, Brittany pulls them up over your shoulders. Then she kisses your head and moves to the other bed.

You’d be lying if you didn’t say you really meant for her to sleep in the bed with you and Nick, but you figure she’s giving you the space you asked for when you first started this relationship.

As you lay in bed, you toss and turn. You can’t sleep and somehow end up on your back staring at the ceiling. Inevitably your head lulls to the side and you look at Brittany. You’re surprised to find that she’s looking back at you.

She’s just looking at you, studying or waiting to see what you’re going to do. The thing is that you don’t know what you’re going to do. You feel so helpless.

You just look at each other for a few minutes before Brittany moves. She rolls onto her stomach and extends her hand into the divide between the two beds. It just hangs there for a moment before you reach your hand out. Your fingertips touch first before sliding against each other, your palm resting on top of hers. She wraps her fingers around your hand and holds it there.

You keep watching her. You can see her blue eyes in the light coming through the windows from the street lamps and the buildings around the hotel. She’s trying to figure out how to help. You blink slowly and run your thumb up and down the back of her hand. She returns the gesture and just like that she understands that you just need her there. And you understand that she’ll be there.

With the contentment that comes with that knowledge that Brittany isn’t going anywhere, you allow yourself to nod off to sleep, holding hands with Brittany between the two beds.


	21. Chapter 21

Your shoulder is killing you when you wake up. When your eyes flicker open you see why. Your fingers are still intertwined with Brittany’s, although just barely. She’s on her stomach on the bed next to yours, her arm extended out to meet yours.

You look to your other side and see Nick still sound asleep. His unicorn is under his arm where it might actually be permanently stuck.

You have a knot in your stomach. You really need to go see your apartment. The worst part of this whole process is not knowing.

You decide to take a shower while Nick is still asleep. You just need to calm down. You slowly untangle your hand from Brittany’s, then gently set her hand on the bed next to her. Then you put pillows around Nick because no matter how old he is, you don’t want him to fall off of the bed.

In the shower, you remember that all the clothes you have are the ones that you just took off. They’re not dirty, but it’s just a sad thought.

When you get out of the shower, you towel off and put your clothes back on. You realize that you don’t have a lot of things that you usually need for the morning so you grab your purse by the door and run down to the gift shop. You get a toothbrush for Brittany too because she was too worried about you last night to grab anything for herself.

You get back to the room and slip into the bathroom to brush your teeth before checking on Nick. He’s moved beds and is now curled against Brittany who is on her side. They’re both barely awake and watching cartoons on the tv.

You don’t say anything because you don’t really have anything to say. You sit down on your bed and pick up the hotel phone. You dial for room service. As you’re waiting for room service to pick up, you look up at Brittany who is looking at you. You ask, “What do you want for breakfast?”

She shrugs, “Whatever you want.”

You pick up the menu and order some things that Nick likes and some things you like. You throw in a few of Brittany’s favorites as well and have them charge it all to the room. When you hang up, you move back on your bed with your back against the headboard.

Nick wakes up a little more and when he sees you, he slides off of Brittany’s bed and stumbles to yours. You help him crawl up and he moves to sit in your lap. He’s still sleepy so he rests his head on your shoulder as he watches cartoons.

Brittany gets up off of her bed and stretches, subtly rubbing her shoulder that was strained while she held hands with you all night. You want to say something about it, but you’re not sure what to say.

“Are we leaving anytime soon?” Brittany asks.

You shake your head, “After breakfast I’ll call Puck and he can go pick up Nick.” You pause, “Do you have rehearsal?” You pray that she doesn’t. You’re nervous that Brittany won’t be able to be there when you go into your apartment. No matter what it looks like inside, you feel like you need her there.

She nods slowly. She looks at the clock, “I have rehearsal until one.”

You take a deep breath. You can wait until one. You have to call the insurance company anyway, “Then can you… come with me?”

She nods, “Of course.” She straightens out her shirt, “I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Okay,” you nod, “I got you a toothbrush.”

She smiles, “Thanks.” She disappears into the bathroom.

The food arrives while Brittany is in the shower. Nick looks confused when you let him eat on the bed, but smiles after a minute. You smile and shake your head. He’s such a good kid.

You pour some coffee for Brittany when you hear the shower turn off. When she emerges from the bathroom she’s wearing her pants from before and her tank top. Her hoodie is in her hand. She sits down on the bed and smiles when you gesture to her coffee. She picks it up and sips it. “Thanks for breakfast.”

“It’s really…” you trail off and swallow, “The least I could do.”

You text Puck to let him know that you don’t need him to watch Nick until around one as Nick tries to feel you some grapes. You take a grape and kiss Nick’s head.

When breakfast is over, Brittany has the leave. You tell Brittany to take your car. She asks if you’re sure and you tell her that you’re not going anywhere.

You walk her to the door of the hotel room and nervously play with your fingernails. She swings your keys around her finger and opens the door. She pauses in the doorway and turns back to you, holding the door open with her foot. “I’ll come pick you up at one?”

You slowly nod. “Yeah. Thanks.”

She hesitates for a moment before pulling you into her arms, “It’ll be okay. We’ll work through this.”

You nod against her should and close your eyes, trying to just be in her arms in that moment. She rubs your back and then kisses the side of your head before pulling away.

When she leaves you close and lock the door then walk back to the bed. You get your laptop out of your bag, which you are so happy that you carry around with you everywhere, thankfully, and sit on the bed.

You’re on the phone with the insurance people for an hour and a half before they tell you that they’re going to send a guy out to meet with you tomorrow.

But today you want to go see it. You want to see that your stuff is okay and Nick’s stuff is okay.

You and Nick don’t do much while you’re waiting for Brittany to get back. You walk down the street to a toy store and pick him up some things, then the corner store for diapers. Then you go back to the hotel. You don’t feel like being out in the hustle of the city. You feel like being surrounded by quiet.

Nick seems to know that. He played with his toys, making minimal noise. You lay on the bed next to him and watch him play. You even pick up a toy horse and make it bounce around.

After a while, Nick crawls on top of you as you lay on your side and just drapes himself on your side. You ruffle his hair and accept the baby kiss he gives you. “I love you,” you tell him.

“I love you too,” he mutters and then slides off of you to play with his toys.

Just as you pick up the menu to order lunch, there’s a knock on the door. You glance at the clock and see that it’s not quite one. You stand and slowly walk to the door. After checking the peephole, you see Puck standing there with a duffel bag in his hand.

You open the door. He looks kind of like a large sad puppy. You feel bad that you haven’t been worrying about his stuff like you’ve been worrying about Nick’s. He lives with you too. You take a step back and he walks in. He pauses in front of you and gives you a hug.

“Thanks,” you say quietly into his shoulder.

He just nods. Then he shows you the bag in his hand, “Quinn gave this to me to give to you. It’s got some clothes in it. Kurt put some stuff that he made for Nick in there too.”

You accept the bag and nod. “Thanks.”

When Puck sees Nick they both smile. Puck drops down on the bed, “Hey little dude.” He offers Nick his hand and Nick slaps it.

You set the bag down on Brittany’s bed and start to go through it. Quinn tried to give you the clothes that she had that might be more your style. You appreciate her trying, but with a closet full of sun dresses and colored blazers, it’s got to be hard. You change into some jeans she put in and a flowered sweater. You pluck out a brown leather jacket she put in and shrug it on. It fits well. Then you pull on your own boots and feel a little better in less sweats.

Brittany shows up a few seconds after you finish getting dressed. She has changed as well. She steps in and wraps you up in her arms. You’re happy that she’s back.

You hear quick patter of Nick running toward you so you take a step back in time for him to run into Brittany’s legs. He wraps his arms around them. Brittany smiles and picks Nick up. “Hey Nick-Nick.”

He hugs her and then wriggles so that she’ll put him down. He runs back over to where he’s playing on the floor with Puck.

“We’re gonna go,” you tell Puck who is looking up at you.

He nods.

You kneel down and call Nick to you. He walks over and gives you a hug. You tell him that you love him and then let him get back to playing. You grab your purse and walk out with Brittany.

“You look good,” Brittany mentions as you make your way down the hallway to the elevator.

You look down at your clothes, “Um thanks. They’re Quinn’s.”

“I know,” she nods slowly.

“You do?” you ask. You didn’t think it was that far removed from your own wardrobe.

She smiles and presses the down elevator button. “I called Quinn and asked if she had anything you could wear. I know you don’t like wearing sweats out in public that often.”

You smile softly and hesitantly. She thought of you. “Thank you.”

You’re quiet all the way to the building. You have no idea what to say or what you’re supposed to do. You don’t know if you’ll even be able to get in, or see anything if you do get in.

When Brittany parks in your spot in the parking garage, she reaches behind your seat and picks up a backpack. She gets out of the car and shrugs it onto her shoulders.

“What’s in that?” you ask her as she meets you on your side of the car.

She shrugs, “I called Jonathan to see if there was anything that we might need going in today so I have some flashlights and bandanas and stuff. He said it might smell really bad or we might kick up a lot of ash or soot so we need to be careful.”

You let it sink in that Brittany called her ex-fiancé. Under normal circumstances you’d be jealous, but because he is an expert and really the only fire expert you know, it made sense. He was nice to you yesterday. You’re thankful for that.

As you walk around the corner to your building, Brittany catches your hand. You can’t really tell her how much you need that. Of course she probably already knows. You thread your fingers through hers for the extra support you need as you near the entrance.

Brittany opens the door and just before you walk in, someone is trying to get out with a box so you let him through first. You’ve seen him around, moving back and forth, checking your mail. He thanks you and catches you looking in the box as he walks past. He forces a chuckle and wipes his dirty, ash streaked cheek on his equally dirty t-shirt, “It’s funny. This used to be a couch.”

You inhale and hold your breath. That doesn’t make you feel any better about anything. It makes you want to throw up.

Brittany squeezes your hand and you both walk into the lobby. It’s lit up by the regular lights so you have hope that that you won’t need Brittany’s flashlights. The security guard is putting yellow tape over the doors to the elevators which makes you sigh.

The security guard looks at you and Brittany. “Some of the building still doesn’t have power. The elevator company is coming later today to make sure that it’s in working order. When they give me the okay, I’ll open it back up.”

You nod and give a halfhearted, “Thanks.”

“And, um,” he stops you before you start to go up the stairs that are lit as well. He rubs his head like he doesn’t want to tell you, “Some of the building isn’t safe anymore. Some of it is taped off. I don’t know where you live, but….be careful.”

You nod, “We will.”

Brittany holds your hand all the way up the stairs. It’s chilly in the stairwell and when you get off on your floor, the hallway is as well.

You watch Brittany look at the blackened ceiling. She touches one part of one of the walls that is black and soot clings to her finger. The hallway is partially lit and you feel relief when you get to your apartment door. It’s still there. The top is blackened, but your apartment is still there.

You let go of Brittany to open the door. When it’s unlocked, you don’t know if you can open it. You don’t know if you want to see what’s inside. You shake your head and take a step back bumping into Brittany.

She wraps her arms around your waist from behind and rests her chin on your shoulder. She doesn’t say anything. She’s just there for you, holding you, and trying to damnedest to support you.

You stand there for a minute before stepping back to the door and opening it. It’s dark inside and when you reach for the light switch you feel the grime and grit of soot on the switch. You’ve gotten this far so you flip the switch. Only one of the overhead lights flickers on and it paints an abysmal picture of your kitchen.

Half of the kitchen is completely covered in soot, from the tops of the cabinets to the floor. You feel physically ill. On instinct you run to the guest/Puck’s bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before you throw up. Brittany’s right behind you, on her knees, gathering your hair and putting it up in the ponytail.

Once you’re slumped back on the wall of the bathroom you notice that the only soot is on the ceiling. Everything else in the bathroom is normal.

“It smells like shit in here,” you mutter against the back of your hand. It doesn’t smell like anything bad, since Brittany flushed the toilet.

She stands up next to you and opens the cabinet. “The smoke smell is going to be in here for a while.”

“Nick can’t be here when it’s like this,” you offer Brittany your hands and let her pull you up. You rinse out your mouth in the sink and then go to Nick’s room.

Part of his wall is black, but his toys look okay. You’re just worried that the smell will never come out of his clothes or his stuffed toys and you’ll have to throw them away. Brittany is in the living room when she says, “Jon said your insurance company would probably hire someone to clean this for you. And get rid of the smell.”

You don’t say anything back. You just walk into your room. Your room is a disaster. The walls are covered as is the bed. You don’t want to go look in the closet. You just walk to the nightstand, kicking up some fine ash behind you. You pick up the black covered book shaped thing. You use your hand to wipe off the cover and see Pooh’s face half uncovered.

You walk out of the room with the dirty book and step into the living room to see Brittany inspecting Puck’s guitar. It looks like it’s in perfect condition. She places it back into the case and locks the latches.

When she looks up at you, she can see how distraught you are. You feel so out of control. You don’t know what in your room is salvageable and you don’t know if you have the emotional fortitude to find out today.

Brittany reaches behind herself and pulls a bandana out of the backpack. She walks over to you and wipes off the hand you used to wipe off the book, then takes the book from you and cleans it off as best she can.

Tears fill your eyes and you just can’t stand to be in the apartment anymore. Brittany wraps her arms around you and you crumble into her. You shake your head against her shoulder, “I can’t stay here.”

“Okay,” she tells you, “Let’s go.”

She leads you out of the mess and into the hallway, back down the stairs, and to the car. You both just sit in the car in the parking garage for a while. You’re sniffling and trying not to cry and she’s holding your hand on top of the console between you.

After a few minutes of just sitting, she picks up the book off of your lap and opens her door. “C’mon.”

“What?” you ask, wondering what the hell she’s doing.

But she closes the front door and opens the back door. She moves Nick’s car seat into the floorboard and gets in the back, closing herself in. You trust her ideas usually and you’re so depressed right now you think this might actually help.

When you get into the backseat, Brittany turns sideways with her feet toward you. She leans her back against the door and she tugs your sleeve, moving you toward her. Once you’re where she wants you, you’re laying across the backseat between her legs with your back pressed to her chest. Your knees are bent and your feet are against the opposite door. It’s cramped but cozy.

Then Brittany places the book in your lap, the spine of the book resting between your legs. She opens up the book where and starts softly reading to you over your shoulder.


	22. Chapter 22

Eventually you have to get out of the car. The book is almost over and you’re sure that Brittany’s long legs are starting to cramp in the small backseat.

Brittany drives you back to the hotel where you immediately pick up Nick. You could see that he was in the middle of racing cars with Puck, but you need to hold him. He seems to know like he always does. He wraps his arms around your neck.

You close your eyes and just feel him hugging you.

When you open your eyes you see Brittany handing Puck his guitar. Puck carefully takes the guitar case and places it on the bed. He slowly opens it like he’s scared to see what’s inside. When he finds his guitar in perfect condition he turns to Brittany and hugs her. She smiles against his shoulder, hugging him back.

Puck pulls away and rubs his eyes. He’s always had that guitar and you know it means more to him than any other possession he has.

You put Nick down so that he can play and sit down on the bed. Puck and Brittany move to sit on Brittany’s bed across from you.

“How was it?” Puck asks.

You take a deep breath. You can still smell the smoke and feel the grit on your hand. You look down at your hands. They’re clean now, but you can still feel it, “Nick’s room is fine. Your bathroom is okay. I think your stuff is just going to smell.”

When you look up, Puck and Brittany are both looking at you. You didn’t tell Brittany what you saw. You know she has no idea what upset you so much. “My room…” you pause and swallow, “My room is covered in…it’s all black.”

Brittany immediately moves beds. She sits next to you and slides her arm around your waist. She doesn’t pull you to her. She just has her arm on you in a show of silent support.

Puck drops his head and runs both hands over his head. You’re sure that he’s both relieved and upset. You take a deep breath trying to remember if you had anything really important in your bedroom. You have some things that you really hope are salvageable.

It hits you that all of your clothes may be ruined. Your bed, your sheets, your pillows, your dresser…. Everything in your room. Most of the stuff in your kitchen. An overwhelming sense of defeat crawls up your spine and encases you. You just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a while.

But you can’t. “Can you guys come with me?” You ask, “I have to get some clothes.”

They both readily agree and Brittany drives you all to a row of stores you like to shop at for clothes. Puck is holding Nick who fell asleep in the car while you and Brittany look around.

“What are we looking for?” Brittany asks.

You look over the racks. “Work clothes.”

“Are you going back to work?” Brittany asks, taking a step toward you.

You nod, “Tomorrow. I can’t just leave the show. I’ve already been gone for two days. Who knows what’s going on?” You do realize that you’re using work to not think that you may have lost all of your possessions in a fire. You realize it and you’re okay with it.

Brittany just follows you around, holding clothes for you and telling you what she thinks about how you look. She’s just being really supportive. And she’s not being supportive in a girlfriend way. She’s being supportive in a best friend way. That’s exactly what you need right now.

You go out for lunch after you get enough clothes to get you through the next couple days. You made the mistake of calling in to check on Cecily on the way to the restaurant and find that she’s completely overwhelmed. You promise her that you’ll be back tomorrow and she seems really relieved.

You asked her to email you the list of everything that happened while you were gone and you’re going over it as you eat.

“Quinn wants to know if she can take Nick to a museum later,” Puck says looking at his phone.

You nod absently, “That’s fine.” You don’t understand how everything went to hell so quickly. You’ve only been gone for a day.

Everyone gets quiet during lunch and you think it has something to do with the supremely pissed look on your face. It’s not really Cecily’s fault. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. You shouldn’t have just left like that. You don’t have time to deal with a personal crisis when the show opening is so close. Lunch is a whirl because you’re worried about work.

You go back to the hotel and get on the phone. Brittany and Puck sit on the bed and play with Nick. When you get some things taken care of, you sit down on your bed. There are so many things that you need to take care of and you’re still thinking about your potential losses in the fire.

Then you get dressed in one of your new suits and go back to your office leaving Nick with Puck and Brittany. You’re only going to be gone for a few hours, but you have to put out a few metaphorical fires so you don’t have to deal with the real fire.

Your few hours at work turns into five. At first people were worried about you and your apartment, but you put that out fast. You’re all business and you get right to work. It’s seven before you realize what time it is. You rub your eyes and sent Cecily home, apologizing for not seeing what time it was. You lock up the office and go back to the hotel.

You find Nick and Brittany sitting on the bed eating mac n cheese. Puck’s guitar is gone so you figure he’s already gone back to Quinn, Rachel, and Kurt’s apartment for the night.

Brittany asks if you want something, but you shake your head. You just want to go to bed. You watch Nick eat and then you and Brittany give him a bath. He’s sufficiently tired after his bath so you lay him down. You shower and then change into one of Brittany’s t-shirts. She apparently went to her apartment to get a bag worth of clothes next to her bed.

The next day you go into work and make Quinn come with you to talk to the insurance guy when you have to meet him. He tells you that someone set fire to their bed and the whole building caught fire. Then Quinn has to physically stop you from tracking them down and kicking their ass. Then the twitchy man tells you that after they decide if your apartment is safe to live in, they’ll get some bids and do an assessment of whether it’s better for you (cheaper for them) to pay for it to be fixed or to completely take down the entire apartment or building.

You get pissed when he tells you he doesn’t know when they’ll have the assessment done, but Quinn calms you down and finds out that the insurance company will be taking over payment of the hotel until you can move back or you can get your things and find somewhere else to live.

“This is ridiculous,” you mutter over your salad.

“It’ll be fine,” Quinn tells you, “You don’t have to pay for the hotel anymore. I’m sure it won’t take that long.”

“It’s ridiculous,” you huff. “All my shit’s gone. Just clean the damn apartment and let me move back in.”

“You know they have to test for things,” Quinn waves her fork in the air, “You know so it’s safe for you and Nick.”

“And Puck,” you add with a sigh.

Quinn nods, “Yeah. I was going to ask about that. Is he going to live with you forever? You know, sleep on your couch until one of you gets married.” Quinn takes a bite of her salad, “Which will probably be Puck.”

You look up at her and see that she’s baiting you. You shake off her attempt to get you to define your relationship with Brittany. You just go back to eating. You mutter to yourself, “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”

“Maybe you need to take the weekend off,” Quinn suggests in a quiet voice that means she’s scared you’ll overreact. You meet her eyes and then look away. You’re resistant to take the weekend off because two days away from the office was a near disaster. Quinn sucks in an audible breath, “You know you can go with Brittany to Lima this weekend.”

“Brittany’s going to Lima?” you ask. You can hear the edge of panic in your own voice.

Quinn furrows her eyebrows and sprints at you, “I thought she told you. It’s her parents’ thirtieth anniversary. She even got the weekend off from the show and everything.”

You frown deeply, “Why didn’t she tell me?”

“Your apartment almost burned down and your work is going to shit without you,” Quinn shrugs, “She probably didn’t want to burden you anymore.”

You look down at your salad. You really don’t want her to leave you. You know you have Quinn and Puck and Rachel and Kurt, but you have such a high level of comfort in just knowing Brittany is around you that you don’t know what you’d do without her.

You go to work and try to focus, but you keep thinking about Brittany leaving. It’s only for a weekend and you know it’s selfish for you to want her to stay, but you’re freaking out right now. You have no idea what would happen if she left.

When you get back to the hotel, it’s empty. You call Brittany, but you can hear her phone ringing in the room. On her bed, her phone is sitting on top of a note. You hang up and pick up the note. _We’re in the pool. I got you a bikini too. It’s on your bed._ Then there’s a heart and her name.

You put your hands on your hips and turn to your bed. You can see a simple red bikini. You bite your lip. You haven’t worn a bikini since you had Nick. You don’t know how you’ll feel with it on. But since Brittany bought it, you decide to at least try.

When you look in the mirror you see some stretch marks that haven’t gone away. You swallow and pull on one of Brittany’s t-shirts and some of her shorts. Then you pull on some sneakers Quinn sent to you.

You grab a towel on the way down to the indoor pool and find Nick splashing happily while he stands on the stairs. Brittany is sitting next to him, smiling back. Puck is floating nearby.

“Hey!” Puck calls, “Look who’s here!”

“Mama!” Nick yells, “Spash!”

You grin and drop your towel next to Brittany’s shirt and shoes. You kick off your shoes and reach for your shorts. You look self-consciously around and see Brittany looking at you with her hands on Nick. You look down at the shorts and try to decide if you can wear them into the pool or not. Sure you’re around the same weight you were before Nick but it’s not exactly the same. You look back at Brittany who is playing with Nick again. This time Puck is looking at you.

He smile, “Come on in. The water is fine. And heated.”

You finally just shuck off the shorts and leave the shirt on. You walk over to the stairs where Nick is and walk the stairs down into the water up to your waist.

“You forgot to take off your shirt,” Puck tells you, standing up and walking over to you.

You just shrug and start playing with Nick. Occasionally you feel Brittany put her hand on you to keep you on the step or so that she can get around you. You tense, but as long as it’s over the shirt you’re okay. You know you had sex with her, but there it was pure passion. You weren’t thinking about what she thought. You were thinking about feeling.

Now you’re nervous. When you all get out of the pool to get grab dinner, you quickly wrap your towel around yourself. Then you pick up Nick. When you get to the room you all take turns showering and then get dressed. You can see Brittany looking at you a little longer than usual and you look away.

When you’re all ready, you head down to the restaurant in the hotel. Puck walks you down, but leaves when you get to the lobby to go to Quinn’s.

You’re seated at the small restaurant with Brittany and Nick. After you order, you finally ask what you’ve been thinking about all day. “So, your parents’ thirtieth anniversary huh?”

Brittany looks stunned, “How did you know?”

“Quinn told me,” you answer. You tilt your head, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wasn’t sure I was going to go,” Brittany says quietly. She picks up a cracker and hands it to Nick.

You glance over Brittany’s shoulder at a man who moves to sit behind the piano in the middle of the room. Then you look back at her, “Why wouldn’t you?”

“I-,” She pauses. Then she looks at you and sighs, “I was going to stay with you and Nick.”

“You should go,” you tell her, although you don’t want her to.

She bites her bottom lip. “I- I can’t. I already talked to my dad. He understands.”

You know she won’t leave you and you know that she really wants to go to her parents’ anniversary. You scratch your head. Quinn was right. “Why don’t we go with you?”

Brittany looks surprised. Then she breaks out into a smile, “Really?”

You nod. “Yeah. I can help my parents’ pack or whatever while you’re at your parents’.” You know you don’t want to miss any more work, but at least now you know that you’re going to have some days off and you can prepare to be gone.

Brittany grins and turns to Nick, “Do you want to go see Grandma and Grandpa?”

Nick claps and laughs. There’s no turning back now. You’re going back to Lima this weekend.


	23. Chapter 23

You have Puck wear Nick out before your flight to Lima. They played super ninja somethings while you pack your bags in the morning. So when the cab pulls up to the airport, he’s already asleep. Brittany got her ticket before you, but you had her hold Nick while you got your tickets then when she was bouncing him to keep him asleep, you subtly upgraded her to business class.

Brittany give you a look that is meant to be annoyed when she finds out what you did, but you just grin and tell her if she wants to sit with you and Nick it has to be in business class. She huffs trying to hide a smile and follows you onto the plain.

You like business class. There aren’t a lot of people in your section when you board. You lean back in your chair and turn off your phone. You were texting Cecily her instructions during boarding. They are only for the few hours that you’re in the air, but you have to keep on top of things so they don’t get out of control again.

“He can sleep anywhere huh?” Brittany asks, ducking her head down to look at Nick’s face as it rests on your shoulder.

You smile, “Yeah. He got that from his grandpa.”

Brittany sits up and quirks an eyebrow, “Oh yeah?”

You nod slowly, “Yeah.”

“What about the bus to Cheerio camp sophomore year?” she asks with a sly smile, “You slept in my lap the entire way.”

“Oh,” you grin, remembering that Brittany stroked your hair the whole time to keep you asleep. Quinn made some joke about the two of you being gay. You almost hit her, but Brittany stopped you. You smile now thinking about how you fought with yourself and Quinn and even Brittany that one time about you being gay. You look at the woman next to you and know she saved you then.

When she smiles at you, you smile back, “I forgot about that.”

Brittany strokes Nick’s hair once and then leans back in her chair.

“Where’s your parents’ party going to be?” you ask Brittany, trying to keep her engaged in conversation.

She lulls her head over to you, “They rented out Breadstix.”

“Awesome,” you nod.

“You can come if you want,” Brittany offers quietly, “You can bring your parents.” You can tell that she’s trying not to push you. She keeps wanting to ask you to do things with you, but she doesn’t want to overstep. It’s sweet of her.

You smile softly at her, “I’ll totally be there.” You look down at Nick and see that he’s starting to drool on your shirt. You smile and readjust him. “What kind of gift do I need to bring?”

“You don’t have to bring anything,” Brittany tells you looking down at her lap, “I didn’t really get them anything because I just now got a job and I haven’t had time.”

You feel bad. You know that it’s hard in the theatre industry. You lick your lips, “We can get them something together. You and me. And Nick.” You know that sounds dangerously like you’re a couple or a family. It sort of slipped out of your lips. You don’t want to go that far right now, so you end with a joke, “Better than that time we forgot Matt’s birthday and got him all the candy we could carry from the gas station.”

Brittany laughs at the memory. Then she gets serious, “You don’t have to.”

“Well I’m going to get them something and put your name on it whether you like it or not,” you tell her. “So there.”

She smiles and kisses your cheek, “Thank you Santana.”

God, you always love when she says your name. Everything about the way she says it makes your warm and happy. Especially when she says your entire first name. You’re used to her calling you San, but when she says Santana you know that she really means what she says.

You just smile back and then flag the flight attendant down. You get a ginger ale and kiss Nick’s sleeping head.

Right before you land, Nick wakes up and was blown away by the landing. He kept looking out the window with wide eyes.

When you land in Lima you’re a little apprehensive. You haven’t actually told your mom that your apartment burned down. She’s moving to New York in two weeks and honestly, you’ve been so busy that when you thought about calling her, it was late at night or you didn’t have time for a long drawn out conversation. You don’t know how you feel about being in Lima again. Nick has never been here. He was born in New York City. Your parents always go to New York to visit.

Brittany grabs your bags from the carry on and slings them over her shoulder. You carry Nick off of the plane and then you put him down to walk out of the airport. Brittany gets on her phone and talks to whoever is picking you up. You didn’t really ask details when she told you that you needed to come to Lima with her. You just packed your things. Brittany was in charge of the travel plans.

When you step outside, you spot someone you know in a line of cars. Sam pushes off of his car and smiles, “Hey!” He hugs Brittany and then you. Then he looks down, “I bet this is Nick.”

You look over at Brittany who apparently told Sam about you and Nick. Then you look at Sam, “Yeah. This is Nick.” You turn to Nick, “Say hi to Sam.”

Nick surveys Sam skeptically, but waves anyway. Then Sam offers his hand to Nick and Nick slaps it in a high five.

“How was your flight?” Sam asks, taking the bags from Brittany and putting them in the trunk.

Brittany looks at you to answer and you shrug, “It was okay.”

“Did you bring the car seat?” Brittany asks, opening the backseat.

“Yeah,” Sam nods, “I washed it like you told me to.”

Brittany turns to you, “Sam is the only person I know in town that has a car seat.”

Then your reluctance to accept a ride from Sam, where there is obvious tension between you and him, seems foolish because Brittany was thinking of the safety of your son. You smile at her and put Nick into the car seat. You let Brittany sit in the front and you sit by Nick.

“Where to ladies?” Sam asks.

“Just drop us off at my parents’,” Brittany says. She turns around to explain to you, “My mom is letting us use her car for the weekend so I can take you to your parents’ if you want.”

You nod, “Okay.”

You look out the window as the streets pass by flooding you with memories. They’re mostly memories of times with Brittany. You smile softly remembering all the times when it was just you and her. She always made sure you were smiling. She always made sure you laughed.

You pass a small park where you used to swing with Brittany after Cheerio practice because you were both too tired to do anything else. You pass the alley that you and Brittany used to walk through to get to each other’s houses.

When you finally reach the Pierce residence, you’re saturated with memories. They’re all great memories and you smile remembering how happy and carefree you used to be.

You say goodbye to Sam at the curb. He can’t give you the car seat because it’s his girlfriend’s, but Brittany tells him that it’s not a problem. She carries your bags to the front door and you carry Nick.

You suddenly get a little nervous. The Pierces were always like second parents to you. You worry about how they’ll react to your life as it is right now. You have a kid and you’re not even twenty-five. Your job is something to be proud of, but the Pierces were always big on having at least one parent home at all times for the kids. For the most part her dad was home all the time, only consulting part time while Mrs. Pierce worked full time at her veterinary office. You’re one person and you have to work to support Nick and yourself, so you’re not home as much as you’d like.

All these things run through your mind as Brittany opens the door. She steps inside before you and calls for her parents. You look at Nick and fix his hair that’s always trying to defy you.

You hear the Pierces walking toward you. Brittany sets the bags down and stands back up in time to be swept into a hug by her mom. Mr. Pierce walks straight to you and hugs your side that isn’t holding Nick. “Hey Santana, it’s so good to see you.” Then he steps back and turns to Nick, “You must be Nick.”

“Hi,” Nick smiles at him.

You have no doubt that Nick will immediately take to Mr. Pierce. He and Brittany are exactly alike. They’re both so warm and great with kids. Mr. Pierce grins, “Hi there.” He offers his hand to Nick who slaps it.

“He’s beautiful,” Mr. Pierce breathes out like he’s awestruck.

It’s Mrs. Pierce’s turn to step up to you and give you a hug. Then she surveys Nick. “Hi Nick.”

“Hi,” Nick grins at her as well.

“I like your unicorn,” Mrs. Pierce pokes Nick’s toy that hasn’t left his hold since you left New York.

Nick looks at it and then takes it in both of his hands. He presents it to the Pierces and says, “Brinny.”

“Brittany?” Mrs. Pierce smiles widely. Then tears fill her eyes. She moves to her husband’s arms. “He’s perfect.”

You don’t know what’s going on so you look to Brittany. She moves to you and stands next to you. She looks at her parents, “I bet Nick’s hungry.”

“Oh yes,” her dad says, “We can definitely fix that.”

Everyone migrates to the kitchen and you sit with Nick at the bar. Mr. and Mrs. Pierce keep looking at Nick and then at you affectionately. If you didn’t know them really well, you’d be a little creeped out. You know this look though. Your parents have it every time you go to their house.

“Ousside,” Nick says pointing to the open windows.

Mrs. Pierce looks at you and asks, “May I?”

You stand up with Nick. You’re going to go with Nick. It’s not that you don’t trust Mrs. Pierce. You just don’t know what kind of animals are in the backyard. She and Brittany both had a habit of taking in strays. Though, speaking of strays, “Where’s LT?”

“He’s upstairs, probably sleeping,” Mr. Pierce says, picking up a skillet.

Brittany stands up and makes her way toward the stairs, “I’m going to take the bags up to my room and say hi. I’ll be right back.”

You follow Mrs. Pierce through the sliding glass door into the back yard. You don’t see any animals, but you wait a moment for one to appear before putting Nick down. He hands you his unicorn before running to a tree. He just touches it, looking up at it. Sometimes you feel bad that he’s growing up somewhere with no backyard.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been acting strange,” Mrs. Pierce says moving some patio chairs so that you both can sit down. Once you both sit down, she continues, “It’s just that growing up, you were always like a daughter to us. You still are whether or not you’re with Brittany. And seeing Nick…”

You look down at the unicorn. You had no idea they felt like that. You tell her that.

“Well we’re a pair of sentimental old fools, but meeting Nick is… incredible,” she smiles and places her hand on your arm. “Especially because Brittany’s career won’t really allow her to have children anytime soon.” She shakes her head and looks out at Nick, “He’s amazing.”

“I know,” you say softly, watching him touch the tree again. He’s seen them in the park, but this one is different. It’s not huge like the ones in Battery Park. It’s growing. Like Nick. It definitely wasn’t there the last time you were in this back yard.

“You’ve done really well for yourself Santana,” Mrs. Pierce tells you, “I’m so proud of you.”

The feeling that Mr. and Mrs. Pierce are your second parents is back. You love having her pride and approval. You blush slightly, “Thank you.”

After a lull in the conversation, you point out that they had done some landscaping since you’ve been there last. Mrs. Pierce grins and tells you that they have a lot of free time to garden now.

“With Brittany off to New York,” Mrs. Pierce shrugs off the end the sentence.

You exhale, “I sat outside the day care in my car for an hour after I dropped Nick off for the first time. I can’t imagine him moving away like that.”

Mrs. Pierce reaches over and touches your arm, “Well you’ll know that you raised them well and you just have to make sure that they know that they have you to come back to if they ever need to.”

You look over at Nick and know that the past two years have flown by. You’re so busy all the time it’s hard to remember that Nick is growing up so fast. Once you get this show off of the ground, you’re going to spend more time with Nick.

The door behind you slides open and Mr. Pierce walks out with a pitcher of lemonade and some glasses. He sets them down on the table as Brittany walks out. She has a ball in her hand and walks past you and her parents to Nick. He jumps up and down when she walks over and they start playing catch.

“Nick is so smart,” Mr. Pierce comments pouring everyone a glass of lemonade. “And coordinated for his age.”

You nod and watch him and Brittany. They’re so cute together. You know that Brittany genuinely loves to be with Nick. They have so much fun together. Nick loves Brittany so much. You can see them playing like this in the future. Practicing to little league or dance, whatever Nick wants to do.

You know that Nick needs Brittany in his life. You know she’ll be good for Nick. She can teach him all the things that you never learned because you were a doctor’s daughter that liked manicures and thought fixing things was for meatheads and grease monkeys that were meant to work for you. That was until Brittany came into your life. She got so much joy out of fixing things and understanding how they worked. You loved to watch her too so you never learned to fix things for yourself.

And Brittany can teach him to appreciate the little things. The things that you always overlook, Brittany found the greatest joys in. You want Nick to have that.

But for your own sake and sanity, you need to not force yourself into this family life with Brittany. Just because it makes sense and it’s easy to be with her doesn’t mean that you need to rush into it or that it’s even necessarily good for you.

“Are you coming to the party this evening?” Mr. Pierce asks.

You nod, “Yeah. Brittany invited me. If that’s okay.”

“Don’t be silly,” Mrs. Pierce chuckles, “Of course it’s okay.”

“I do have to go see my parents’ soon though,” you tell them.

“You should invite them,” Mrs. Pierce adds, “It would be so great to see them again.”

“I will,” you tell Mrs. Pierce. Then you look back out at Brittany and Nick. You bite your lip thinking about how adorable they are together.

You let Nick play for a little while longer before deciding that your parents can just meet you at the party. There’s really no use in going over there just to come back this direction for the party. You excuse yourself to step into the house and make the call.

Your mom understands and is excited to see the Pierces again. They haven’t really had much free time in Lima because most of their free time in spent in New York with you and Nick. Then you ask her to pick up a present because you don’t think you’ll have time. Your mom is putting everyone’s name on it just like you promised Brittany.

When you get back outside, Nick is drinking lemonade in your chair. Brittany pushes his hair back and fixes it how you do. When you get closer, Brittany looks up at you, “Are we leaving now?”

“No. Mom and Dad are going to meet us at the party,” you explain and look down at Nick. You pick him up and check his diaper. “Oh wow.” You put him under your arm and announce, “I’m going to go change him.”

“Oh, here you can use my room,” Brittany says and stands up.

You grab the diaper bag and walk up the stairs with Brittany behind you. When you glance back you see that she’s kind of making sure that you don’t fall with her hands up. She’s so cute.

When you get to the bedroom it’s so familiar. Almost nothing has changed. You lay Nick down on the bed and get out the blanket you keep in the bag. You put the blanket down and move Nick onto it. “It’s time to potty train you little man.”

He smiles at you and you smile back. You pull off Nick’s pants. They get stuck on his shoes so it takes you a little while to get them undone. You’d think that Ralph Lauren would have planned for this kind of thing.

Brittany opens the diaper bag and gets a diaper and the wipes. She opens the diaper for you and then gets out two wipes. And once again it’s stupid how domestic and easy it all is. She takes the dirty diaper when you’re done and walks out of the room.

You look down at Nick and shake your head, “It’s a conspiracy isn’t it?” You push up his shirt and blow on his tummy. He squeals and laughs. You tickle him and ask, “How much is she paying you?”

 Nick just laughs. Then he stands up on the bed and hugs your neck. You kiss his cheek and rub his back, “I love you sweetie.”

You pick up Nick and look around the room. You take Nick to the corkboard on the wall that’s covered in pictures. Nick smiles and points, “Mama.”

You smile and see one of the many, many pictures of you up on the wall. Nick points to a different picture, “Brinney.” You see he’s pointing to a picture you took of Brittany and her unicorn laying on a picnic blanket. That was a great night. You went to the dirt bike track with a picnic for Brittany. Her unicorn was in her backpack. That was her secret superstition. She wouldn’t ride without him.

“Hey,” Brittany says quietly from the doorway, seemingly hesitant to interrupt the moment. “My parents are going to leave. Do you want to go with them or wait for a little while?”

“We can go with them,” you say. You need to see if you look okay first. You step to the mirror on the wall and look yourself over. You tuck some hair behind your ear and see Brittany behind you in the mirror watching. When you spot her, she looks away. You have the strongest urge to kiss her. This room and this house hold so many memories for you. Memories with Brittany. Memories that make you feel warm inside.

You feel like you need to try to trust her. She is trying. You just…You don’t want to get hurt. You don’t want to fall for her, just to be there when she falls for someone else. You don’t know what you’d do. You know that you’re unpredictable when she breaks your heart. You have Nick now and you can’t afford to be unpredictable.

You take a deep breath and pick up the diaper bag. You walk out the door with Brittany behind you.

Downstairs you find, the eldest Pierces putting a brand new looking car seat into their SUV. “Is it in?” Mr. Pierce asks his wife with only his legs sticking out of the car.

“Yes,” Mrs. Pierce says back as they both lean into the backseat, one on each side.

“Are you sure?” Mr. Pierce asks.

Mrs. Pierce chuckles, “I would not endanger that precious little angel.” She gets out of the car and turns around. She smiles when she sees you, “Brittany told us what kind of car seat to buy.”

“Thank you so much,” you tell them.

Mr. and Mrs. Pierce get into the front seat and you and Brittany get in the back with Nick. It takes you a minute to adjust the straps on the car seat, but once Nick is snuggly in, you close your door signaling your readiness to leave.

The drive to Breadstix makes you smile because in high school if you weren’t at school or at yours or Brittany’s house, you were at Breadstix. Most people liked hanging out at the Lima Bean, but you loved Breadstix so Brittany loved it too.

You look in front of you and see Mr. and Mrs. Pierce holding hands over the console in the front. At a stoplight they exchange an adoring look. You’ve only ever felt like that before with Brittany. You’ve tried with other people, but you can’t feel those things with anyone else.

So if you can’t have those feelings with anyone else, why can’t you feel those things with Brittany now? Why don’t you just settle for being as happy as you can with Brittany now? You look over Nick’s head at Brittany. You see her looking back at you, but this time she doesn’t look away.

She smiles softly at you. “I’m glad you came.”

“Me too,” you automatically answer before you realize that you mean it. Things move so much slower in Lima than they do in New York and you needed this slow down.

You look down and see Nick, leaning back in his car seat, his little eyes drooping. It’s been a long day for him. You kiss his head gently and smile softly. He’s your beautiful little man. He’s perfect and you’ll do whatever it takes to keep him happy.

So you’ll do what you have to do to keep Brittany around because she makes him happy. And you’ll do what you have to do to keep yourself sane. You’re just not sure what that is anymore. Everything about being around her, especially in Lima, makes you want to be with her. The only thing stopping you is that small part of your brain what wonders if she could ever be yours completely and forever.

You look out the window and watch the trees pass by. You wish you could know for sure.


	24. Chapter 24

You can’t help, but feel a little excited about going back to Breadstix. You wonder if they still have your picture up in the kitchen to warn the wait staff.

When you arrive you see that there are already a few cars parked around Breadstix. Through the front windows you can see people hanging up streamers and putting balloons around. You love that so many people love the Pierces and are willing to do things like this for them.

You get Nick out of the car seat. You reach for the diaper bag, but Brittany grabs it, not even really paying attention to the fact that she’s slinging it over her shoulder as she looks around.

“Are the Carters coming?” Brittany asks her mom as you all walk to the front door.

“Of course,” her dad smiles at her.

Brittany glances over at you and grins. You smile back because you remember how the Carters used to live next door to the Pierces before they moved across town. The little girl used to sit outside all sad because she was an only child and apparently not very good at making friends. Brittany used to go play with her even though Brittany was eight years older. Eventually Brittany sort of adopted little Chelsea as her sister. She’d go to all of Chelsea’s soccer games that she could and helped her with her homework. Everyone you knew, knew of Chelsea as Brittany’s sister and you’re sure you’re the only one who really knew it wasn’t true, at least legally. You grew fond of the little girl if only for the smile that she put on Brittany’s face.

“Chelsea asked about you the last time I talked to her,” Brittany states opening the front door for her parents and then holding it open for you.

“Really?” you ask, “I didn’t think she’d remember me.”

“Of course she does,” Brittany walks in after you.

The second they step inside the Pierces are mobbed. Everyone congratulates the two eldest and asks Brittany how and what she’s doing. You’re happy to take Nick and slip to your favorite booth in the back. It’s quiet in the back. You sit down and turn Nick around in your lap so that he’s facing you. He grins at you and you grin back.

When Nick starts clapping you look behind you. You smile when you see your parents. You greet them with hugs. Your mother lifts Nick out of your arms and starts to ask you how your flight was when someone they know calls them back to the front. You chuckle softly as you watch your mom take Nick over to show him off.

The waiter walks over to you because you’re apparently the only one who is sitting alone. You just order a water and sip on it as you watch your mom and dad present Nick to everyone in the restaurant.

“Hey,” Brittany says sitting down across from you, setting the diaper bag down.

You look up from your phone. “Hey,” you say. Something about this place makes you long for Brittany to spend time with you, but it’s her parents’ anniversary, “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m just tired from the trip. Go have fun.”

“It’s fine,” Brittany waves you off and picks up your water taking a sip from your straw like it’s the most natural thing in the world. You suppose being back here is bringing up old habits for her as well. “Besides if I don’t sit here and stare at you, you might start working.”

You raise your hands and look down at your phone, “I was just playing Pac-man.”

Brittany grins, “Fine.”

You lean back in the booth and look around, “It’s weird being back here.”

“Really?” Brittany asks. She looks around with a smile, “I like it.”

You decide to joke to cover up that you are actually kind of uncomfortable in your old haunt, like you don’t belong here anymore, “No one is running around catering to my every whim. They’re not scared of me anymore. It’s weird.”

Brittany laughs and looks around, “You’ve been gone for a long time.”

You wonder if Brittany knows that she’s the only one that could get you to come back. You haven’t been to Lima in three years. Your mom has tried to get you to come back, but you always refused.

You nod and place your hand around your glass. “It has been a while.”

“Wine?” a waiter comes by with a bottle.

You automatically shake your head.

“You can if you want,” Brittany offers, “I mean your mom has Nick and my parents keep following her. You probably won’t get him back until we leave.”

You smile and look over your shoulder at the set of four parents walking around with Nick, showing him off. You look up at the waiter, “I guess one wouldn’t hurt.”

Brittany passes on a glass and tells the waiter that she’ll share with you. She doesn’t make a grab for you wine though. She just sips her water and looks to you, “Have you told your mom yet?”

You shake your head. You have no idea when a good time to tell your mom that your apartment is charred and you’re living in a hotel with your ex-girlfriend and your son.

The party continues and you sit with Brittany. Sometimes people stop to talk to you, but it’s mostly friends of Brittany’s parents just talking to you because you’re sitting with Brittany.

A man with a guitar gets up on the stage with a guitar. He reminds you of Puck sort of. He has a charming smile and an old guitar. You look over at Brittany who smiles at you, that special smile. The one that makes you feel all warm all over.

You look back at the performer. He’s playing a nice selection of some classic singer-songwriter tunes.

You look across the table and see that her hand has been slowly inching toward yours that is resting next to your wine. Each time you look, you see that it’s getting closer. You look up at the performer and a few seconds later, you feel the tentative first touch of her pinkie against yours. Then her other fingers brush against yours. It’s all feather light and if you didn’t know Brittany controlled her body with razor precision, you’d think it was an accident. But when her hand rests more firmly on yours, you know that she just wants to touch you.

You carefully, as not to startle her, turn over your hand. Her fingers now brush against your palm. She seems hesitant. You want to curl your fingers around hers and hold her hand, but you want her to make the move. You’re doubting this relationship because you always used to make the move. Now you have to restrain yourself so that you know for sure.

There’s a moment where you’re both incredibly still. Then she runs her fingertips the length of your fingers, straightening them out before letting her hand rotate minutely so that her fingers can slip between yours.

You like this. You like just sitting here listening to music and holding her hand. It brings you a sense of comfort you haven’t had in a long time.

When the song is over you both pull your hands back and clap with the rest of the room He thanks the crowd and starts another song. You watch your dad pull your mom to an area that was cleared out for a dance floor. You’re about to go take Nick from your dad so they can dance, but they start dancing with Nick between them. They both look so happy. The Pierces starts dancing as well. Other couples make their way to the dance floor and you smile watching them.

“Would you, um,” Brittany pauses, “like to dance?”

You turn around and look at her. She looks nervous. You had enough wine to not hesitate when you say, “Yes.”

Brittany stands up and offers her hand to you. You take it and let her gently pull you to your feet. You both walk to the dance floor and she pivots on her toes to face you. She keeps your hand in hers and slips her other hand around your waist to the small of your back.

She pulls you to her, but stops before your bodies are touching. You take another step forward and rest your head on her shoulder as you sway. She lets go of your hand and wraps her arms around your waist as you sway. Your arms make it around her neck and you nuzzle more into her neck.

The words to the song become familiar as it changes. “If you’re lost you can look and you will find me, time after time.”

Brittany’s lips move against your head as she softly sings. “If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting, time after time.” She kisses your head in between verses and you just melt into her.

The wine and Breadstix, and maybe even being in Lima along with the way Brittany is holding you is making you fall in love with her again. She always knows how to hold you to make you feel protected.

“I’ll always love you the most,” she whispers against your head.

You close your eyes and absorb her statement. She’s told you that before, but this is the first time the words have really affected you. You can feel them run down your spine and through her entire body before you open your eyes again.

You know that you don’t have to answer. That wasn’t the kind of utterance that needs an answer. So you don’t. You just continue to sway with her until the song is over. Then you let her hug you before you both return to your booth. Your parents call you to their table and you and Brittany walk over to join them for the meal.

You finally get Nick back and kiss his head. You look up at Brittany and see her looking at you with a loving smile on her face. You give her a small smile. It doesn’t reflect the level of love in her smile, but after the dance your guards flew back up.

Your mom steals your attention and you turn to her. “Did your apartment building burn down?”

“I, um, what?” you ask her, caught on your heels.

“Your apartment?” she asks.

You nod slowly, “Yeah. There was a fire. My apartment didn’t burn down, but my bedroom is…covered in black ash or whatever. Nick’s room is fine.”

“Honey, why didn’t you tell me?” your mom asks you.

You shake your head, “I’ve been so busy with the show and dealing with the insurance company.”

“I knew there was a reason you came back here,” she puts her arm around you, “I’m so sorry mi amor.”

“It’s fine,” you shrug, “Quinn gave me a bunch of her clothes and I bought some more. I’ll be fine.”

“Have you found a new apartment?” your mom asks you.

You shake your head, “I haven’t.” But you know you need to. Regardless of how well the apartment can be repaired, you can’t go back there. It will always remind you of the blackened room that will never quite be the same. Nick may even remember the panic that happened that day and associate it with the building. You can’t make him go back. “We’re staying in a hotel right now. It’s working for us right now.”

“Well we closed on our apartment in Manhattan,” your mom tells you. “You’re welcome to it.” She grins, “There are also some other units for sale in our building.”

You chuckle. You know your mom would love nothing more than for you and Nick to move into the same building as her and your dad. You just don’t know how much privacy you could squeeze out if you were accessible to them by an elevator ride.

You tell her that you’ll think about it and she gives you her motherly look like she doesn’t believe you. You just grin back.

After you eat more than your fair share of breadsticks and share a plate of fettuccini with Nick, you take Nick outside for a break in all the festivities. You need some air as much as he does. There’s an empty patio that you slip away to and sit down.

Nick looks up at you, wondering what you’re doing. You just kiss his head and look out over the patio. It’s become cracked and weathered since you’ve been here. But the lights hanging over head are still beautiful against the night sky. It’s been so long.

Nick is getting tired so he places his head on your shoulder. You feel so lucky that Nick likes you to hold him when he goes to sleep.

“I love you,” you kiss his head.

You hear the door open behind you, but you can’t turn around to look because Nick is asleep and you don’t want to wake him. You see a slice of cake being set down on the table and then Brittany sit down in the chair next to you.

“I brought Nick some cake, but he’s worn out huh?” Brittany asks softly.

You look down at him, “Yeah.” You smile at his mushed up little face against your collar.

“Do you need anything?” Brittany asks, “Some water or something?”

You shake your head, “No. I’m great.”

“Really?” Brittany asks.

You look at her and hold her eyes. She looks worried. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“There’s just a lot going on,” she reaches over to you and rests her hand on the back of your chair. You can feel her fingers rub your back. “I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Thank you,” you tell her with a smile. You pause and look up at the lights. You’re not good at mushy crap so you decide to just spit it out, “You’ve been…great these past few days. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

She smiles, “It was no problem.” Her hand leaves your back and falls into her lap, “I’ll always be here when you need me.”

“What about other times?” you ask her. You don’t look right at her because you don’t really know where you’re going with this.

“All the time,” she says without hesitation.

“Thank you Britt,” you reach over and take her hand.

She holds your hand and you both just sit in silence.

“Where are you going to move to?” Brittany asks, breaking up the soft whirl of the traffic on the distant highway and the occasional loud laugh from inside the restaurant.

You shrug, “I guess I’ll have to find something. It also depends on what the insurance company says you know? If they only give me enough to fix the apartment, I’ll have to have it fixed and then try to sell it.”

“I’d offer to let you and Nick stay with me, but it’s small,” she says and strokes the back of your hand with her thumb.

You quirk an eyebrow, “Are you kidding? I don’t even like _you_ living there, much less you _and_ my son. I would have to go Lima Heights on the whole damn neighborhood.”

Brittany laughs quietly, in the adorable way she does. You can’t help, but smile.

You like being here with her. You like being in Lima with Brittany or on the plane with Brittany. You love being with her. You’ll admit that much to yourself. You do love Brittany and you always have. And you always will. Maybe you should… maybe you should go out on a date with her, just her so you can talk about how this might work because you think….you think that you might want to try things with her.

“You okay?” Brittany asks, softly.

You nod. You must have had your deep thought face on. “I was just thinking about… us.”

“Us?” she asks, “You and me?”

“Yes,” you nod. “I was thinking about…we need to talk some more, I think.”

Brittany bites her bottom lip and offers, “How about tomorrow night? I’m sure our parents would be happy to watch Nick.”

“Where do you want to go?” you ask her.

“Anywhere you want to go,” she grins. “It’s not like there’s a whole lot to choose from here.”

You smile back, “You’re right.” Then you pause. You think it over. This feels right so you nod, “Alright. Tomorrow night.”


	25. Chapter 25

You spend the night with your parents in your old bedroom with Nick. Brittany stays with you, in your bed. Nick lies between the two of you. Brittany was going to sleep on the floor, but you told her that there was no reason for that. You're both adults and the bed is big enough for you, Brittany, and Nick as well as five more of your closest friends.  

In the morning, when you wake up, it’s to your phone ringing. You quickly grab it so that it doesn’t wake up Nick and Brittany. Nick was curled up in you and you can see in sleep he’s still seeking someone to warm up with you away from the bed now. He rolls onto his stomach and is now pressed up against Brittany.

If it was anyone else you might be disappointed that you’re so easily replaced.

You look down at your phone and step down into the hallway. Cecily is calling you again. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Cecily says, “I know I’m not supposed to call you unless it’s an emergency, but I can’t find a venue for the opening night ball.”

“Nothing?” you ask as you walk down the stairs. You’re not surprised to find your father already up and sitting at the kitchen table having coffee.

“I just…” Cecily sounds flustered, “I don’t know.”

You smile. You’ve been in her shoes before. “Let me make a call.”

“I already lined up the caterer and the decorators,” she says, “I just can’t…”

“It’s fine,” you say softly, “You’ve done great. I’ll get the venue and we’ll be set.”

“Thank you Santana,” she sighs, “I really tried not to bug you.”

“Cecily,” you tell her as you watch your dad stand up and get another coffee mug down. He pours it for you and you smile in a thank you. “You’re doing fine. You’re doing better than fine. I swear. I’ll call you back in an hour.”

You hang up with her and sit down next to your dad. “Good morning.”

He smiles, “Good morning. Early morning business?”

You nod. “Cecily is an early riser.” You take a sip of your coffee. You look around for your laptop that’s usually waiting for you when you wake up. You remember that it’s upstairs in your bag. You look down at your phone and go through your contacts. You know where are a few venue managers in there.

You take your coffee out onto the patio and sit in one of the patio chairs. You prop your feet up and look at the morning dew that’s resting on the suburban backyard. Sometimes you think you might want this. A house and a yard where Nick can play. Sometimes you think you’re being selfish keeping him in Manhattan. Just because you love it, doesn’t mean it’s a great place to raise a kid.

You bite your lip and push it out of your head. It’s not like you really have anywhere to live right now anyway.

It only takes you half an hour to find a venue and it’s close to the theatre so you won’t have to have a line of cars blocking traffic in the theatre district. You call Cecily to let her know and she thanks you for five minutes before you finally get her to hang up.

You stand up and as you open the door to the kitchen, you find your dad making waffles and your mom, Brittany, and Nick at the table eating waffles. Nick’s face is already covered in blueberries. He grins at you from the end of the table. He grins in his highchair. Brittany rips up more waffles for him and your mom puts more blueberries on his tray.

You walk by him and kiss his head.

“Work?” you mom asks you as you sit down next to Brittany.

You nod, “Cecily couldn’t find a venue for the opening night ball. I got one.” You notice that your coffee cup is empty and get up to refill it. You survey the table and see that Brittany’s orange juice is almost gone and your mom’s coffee is as well. You bring back the orange juice and coffee and your dad follows you with yours and his waffles.

“A ball?” your mom asks.

You nod, “It kinda goes with the theme of the show. It’s going to be great. If you’re coming to opening night, you should come to the ball too.”

“Of course we’re coming to opening night,” your dad says with a smile, “It’s the first show you produced by yourself.”

You blush lightly and look down at the table. You haven’t been thinking about the kind of recognition you’ll get if this show is a hit. You’ve been thinking about keeping Rachel, Quinn, and Brittany in their jobs. You’ve been thinking about venues, and seat capacity. You’ve been wrapped up in advertising and helping Puck settle in to New York. You’ve also been thinking about how you don’t have a functioning apartment.

“I was thinking that I could call our real estate agent in New York,” your mom tells you. “He could start looking for apartments for you and Nick and you wouldn’t have to worry about that as much. Just tell him what you want and he’ll find it.”

You nods slowly and glance over at Brittany who is watching you for your reaction. “That sounds great.”

“What are you looking for?” your dad asks.

“Um,” you rub your right eye, “Three bedrooms. At least two bathrooms. I can’t share a bathroom with Puck.”

“Puck?” your mom asks.

You squint. Did you really not tell your mom that Puck was living with you? So you explain the whole thing. Nick lights up when he hears you say Noah and he looks around the room like Puck is going to walk in.

After breakfast, your parents beg you to let them take Nick to a barbeque that their friends are having and show him off. You pull your mom to the side and tell her that you and Brittany need some time today to talk and she seems to understand. She gives you a hug. “You two figure out what you need to figure out.”

You smile tentatively at your mom. “I hope so.”

Your parents take off for the barbeque, leaving you and Brittany at your house. In high school, this would be the time where you’d jump each other and have has much sex as possible before you parents return. Except now, you and Brittany stand awkwardly in the living room.

You finally look down at the clothes you slept in. “What are we going to do today?”

“I need to go to my parent’s house,” Brittany tells you. “I have some boxes in my room there that I need to ship to New York. Then we can do whatever you want. Even Breadstix again.” She smiles.

You smile back at her. “I kind of want Breadstix again.”

“I’m so shocked,” Brittany laughs.

You both go get ready and then go upstairs to get ready.

When you get to the Pierces’ house, they ask you immediately where Nick is. You tell them that your parent’s took him to a barbeque. They ask if it’s your parents’ friends barbeque because your parents invited them yesterday and they’re running a little late. You nod and they smile. “Great,” Brittany’s dad says. “He’s such an adorable little angel.”

Brittany’s parents hug both of you and then leave for the barbeque promising to be back in a few hours.

You follow Brittany into Brittany’s old room. You smile when you see Lord Tubbington on the bed. You lay down next to him and start petting him while Brittany moves to the closet. She gets down a few boxes and starts taking things out and sorting through them.

You text Cecily and ask her how things are going while you relax on the bed with Lord Tubbington curled up against you. You pet him as you read texts from Cecily and emails from everyone on your phone. You glance at Brittany. She’s back in the closet looking through some boxes on the shelves. There are books, notebooks, sketches, and yearbooks in different piles on the foot of the bed.

You reach over and pick up the yearbook on top of one of the piles. You crack it open and flip to the glee club page. Everyone was so happy to be part of something that made them less alone. You can see you and Brittany in the back. You know her hand was on the small of your back and after the picture when she dropped her hand, it “accidentally” bushed against your ass. Brittany just smiled mischievously.

Just thinking about that smile makes your stomach flutter.

You close the yearbook and start to put it back when you see a notebook with drawings all over it. In big letters on the front you see “Santana + Brittany’s Book”. You vaguely recognize it. You used to daydream about the future together and Brittany used to doodle in this book. Sometimes she would let you see the pages and sometimes she was too embarrassed to let you see it. You never pushed because she never pushed you into something you weren’t ready for.

You open it to random page and see pictures of engagement rings pasted all over it. Certain things about them were circled in red marker, like she was planning to build a ring. You smile. You turn the page and see a list. At the top says “Places” underlined. Under it says, Breadstix, Park, School. School is crossed out though. Then there are some sketches of table settings and flowers. You wonder when she planned all this. You wonder why she never asked. You would have said yes anytime she wanted to ask.

You turn the page and see some sketches of wedding dresses. They’re all beautiful. You flip a few more pages. There are flowers and venues that she had picked out. She even pasted in a picture of a cat with a ring pillow on his back. You chuckle when you think Lord Tubbington would have probably run away with the rings. Or just laid down in the back of the church and Brittany would have to pick him up and carry him down the aisle.

Then you stop when you see two lists on the page. One says “Girls” at the top and the other says “Boys”. She wanted to have kids with you. That thought throws you. You never thought she wanted to have anything really serious with you, but she wanted to ask you to marry her. She planned out how. She wanted to marry you. She wanted to have kids with you.

You look through the girl names. The names are adorable. You can definitely see Brittany having a little girl named Emily or Summer. You never remember talking about this with Brittany though. This must have been all on her own. It’s a weird feeling looking at this and a little part of you feels like you shouldn’t be reading this. You look up at Brittany who is replacing a box. She looks down at the boxes at her feet and rifles through one, then moves some things from one box to another. She’s busy and not paying attention to you. You start to turn the page before something on the boys list catches your eyes. On the top, written in Brittany’s bubbly handwriting is “Nick”.

It feels kind of like you just got punched in the stomach and you’re not even sure why. You stare at it for a while. Nick. That’s the…name of your son and a name that Brittany wrote down…

“Brittany,” you say abruptly.

She stands up straight and looks at you, “What?”

You close the notebook and show her the front, “How old is this?”

Brittany studies it. She steps out of the closet over a box and takes it from you. She looks it over. “Senior year, I think. The summer after you graduated.” She looks through some pages and blushes. “I’m, uh, I didn’t think you would see this. It’s…dumb.”

You shake your head. You hate it when she says that anything she ever does is dumb. “It’s not.”

She hands it back to you, “I hope it doesn’t freak you out.”

“It’s not…the whole thing,” you open it up to the baby names. “Look.”

Brittany looks at it, scanning it over, then her eyes stop. “Oh.”

“I don’t…” you lick your lips. You’re searching your brain trying to remember talking to Brittany about baby names. Maybe Nick just stuck with you after you two talked about it. But you’re sure that you never actually talked about it.

Both of you share a weird look before Brittany starts putting boxes up. You slip the notebook in your purse while you’re sure she’s not looking. If Brittany’s going to pretend something really weird didn’t just happen, you are too.

When she’s done putting boxes up, you say goodbye to LT and get into the car. You let Brittany drive because you don’t have anywhere that you need or want to go. You’re happy to just let Brittany go where she wants.

“I have to run an errand for Quinn really fast,” Brittany says as she pulls to a stop in front of the high school.

You look around, “At the school?”

Brittany nods, digging in her purse and extracting an envelope. “You can stay in here if you want.”

You shake your head, “I’ll come with you.” You don’t want to be left alone with your thoughts, especially after finding that notebook.

You walk into the school and it feels eerie. You can see kids in the classrooms, but it still feels like there’s no one around. The hallways are almost bare apart from a few Puckerman wannabes skulking around trying to be too cool to go to class.

You stick close to Brittany because you don’t really like being here anymore. After Brittany left here, you had no reason to come back. Because when you moved to New York, you learned what it was like to be truly free and this place feels like that cage that almost suffocated you.

You’re so caught up in your feelings you don’t catch yourself reaching for Brittany’s hand. You tentatively take her hand and she pauses, looking back at  you. “You okay?”

You look around and nod, “Just…I…” You shake your head, “I can’t explain it.”

“It’s a lot smaller now huh?” she asks understandingly.

You nod.

She squeezes your hand and then turns around to keep walking. You’re not really surprised when you stop at Coach Sylvester’s office. When it has to do with Quinn and this school, Sue probably has something to do with it.

Brittany knocks on the door and is met with a, “Come in.”

Brittany opens the door and holds your hand as you both walk inside. You stick close to her and are surprised by how exactly the same Coach Sylvester looks sitting behind her desk in her red track suit.

Despite the obvious battle on her face not to, Sue cracks a smile. “I never thought I’d see either one of you back here.”

Brittany smiles, “We, me, Quinn, and Santana, wanted to invite you to our show.” She offers the envelope to Sue who takes it from her. She opens the envelope and pulls out two tickets. You recognize them as the design you approved for the tickets to your show.

“Your show?” Sue asks over the tops of her glasses. She’s looking right at you.

You nod, “I’m producing it. Brittany’s dancing in it and Quinn is singing and acting.” Although you’re surprised that this is the reason you’re here, it makes sense and you want to show Coach Sylvester that you and Brittany and Quinn have succeeded. Probably not as much as Quinn wants to show her, but still. You also tell her about the opening night ball. You tell her she doesn’t have to come, but you’ll put her name on the list in case she does.

She gives you a rarely seen nod and smile of approval. She leans back in her chair, “Why don’t you two have a seat?” Her eyes rest on you again, “You can tell me about your son.”

Your eye grow wide, “How did you know?”

“I keep track of my star Cheerios,” she tells you and you know that’s all the answer you’re going to get.

You tell him about Nick and show her some pictures on your phone of him. She smiles at one of his pictures and it’s kind of like showing them to your mom for the first time.

After the three of you catch up, Sue stands, “You two have done really well for yourselves. I’m proud of you.” She picks up her whistle and her bull horn that are sitting on her desk, “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go yell at some girls who wish they were as good as my Unholy Trinity.”

You and Brittany share and smile and walk out with Sue. She doesn’t hug you or anything, but she gives you a nod and pats Brittany’s shoulder.

When you leave, you’re getting hungry so Brittany drives you to Breadstix. You sit in a booth across from each other and quietly avoid conversation.

“I’ve never made a book like that about anyone else,” Brittany says quietly and abruptly.

You look up, “Like what?” Although as soon as you ask, you know the answer.

Brittany takes a bite of a breadstick, “The one in your purse.”

You swallow and look away. She did see you. You take a sip of your water.

“I know I have a lot to prove,” Brittany tells you quietly. You look up at her and see that she’s nervously looking at the table, only to occasionally glance up at you, “I just wanted you to know, that I’ve never… planned the rest of my life with anyone else.”

“What about Jonathan?” you have to ask.

Brittany shakes her head, “Not even him. I didn’t know he was going to ask me to marry him and even if you hadn’t been there I don’t know that I could have actually done it.”

“But, you would marry me?” you ask carefully, knowing that that is a weird question to ask, but needing to know.

Brittany nods, “In a heartbeat.”

That hits you really hard. You blink rapidly a few times before taking a sip of your water.

“I love you more than anything else in this world,” she tells you. “I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that to you if that’s what you need.”

You feel like you want to cry. It wasn’t good to do this in Lima, at Breadstix. It wasn’t fair to be exposed in such a sentimental place in your hometown when Brittany tells you how she feels. You blink away some tears and take a deep breath. “Can we – Can we just start slow?”

Brittany smiles so wide, “We actually get to…start?”

You nod. “I just... Really slow. I just need to have time to….adjust I guess.”

Brittany nods understandingly, “I get it. Just because we’re kind of together now doesn’t mean we’re a family yet.”

You do crack a smile and quirk an eyebrow, “Yet?”

Brittany just grins mischievously and takes a drink. You feel butterflies flare up in your stomach at the sight of that smile.

That’s when it really hits you that someday you , Brittany, and Nick could be an actual family. Vacations, holidays, graduations together. A tear slips out of your eye and you quickly wipe it away. This is all you ever wanted. You just have to get to a point where you’ll accept it and then you’ll have it. You’ll have your own little family.


	26. Chapter 26

As you walk to the car you pause, leaning on the car, looking over the top of it at Brittany, “I need my baby boy.”

“Let’s go get him,” she offers.

You’ve been thinking about it for a little while and you think there’s someone in town that you want Nick to meet.

Your parents try to get you to stay, but you have somewhere to go. You tell your parents that you have to take Nick to meet someone and they both give you a hug and kiss Nick goodbye. Brittany’s parent’s do the same and invite you to their house for dinner. You check with Brittany with just a look and her smile tells you that it’s fine with her. You accept and make plans.

Then you get Nick in the car and tell Brittany to drive to the high school.

When you walk in, there are no children, which makes you more comfortable. As you’re walking you hear someone call you. You turn your left and see Finn. You smirk because he’s wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt with a clipboard in his hand.

“Hey,” he smiles and walks over to you and Brittany. “What are you guys doing here? And who is this little guy?”

You smile, “This is Nick. He’s my son.”

Finn blinks with that dumb look he occasionally has. “ _Your_ son?”

You nod. You turn to Nick and tell him, “Say hi to Finn.”

“Hi,” Nick says and bashfully buries his face in your neck.

“Hey,” Finn smiles.

You look over Nick’s head at Brittany who is unusually silent. She’s looking at Finn wide eyed. Then she turns to you and jerks her eyes from you to Finn. It takes you a minute before you get what she’s asking.

“Oh my god no,” you tell Brittany absolutely appalled that she would think that Finn was the father of your child.

Brittany lets out what you know is a relieved sigh.

“What?” Finn asks.

Brittany shakes her head and gives him a hug, “You work here now?”

“Coach Hudson,” he says with a grin. “I’m sure you heard how college didn’t work great for me, but Coach Bieste gave me a job as a defensive coordinator and that way I can coach the glee club since Mr. Schue moved to DC after…the divorce.”

“I heard,” Brittany nods. You’ve been out of the loop for a while so you’re not surprised that this is all news to you, “But I’m sure you do awesome things with the glee club.”

Finn smiles his dopey smile, “I hope so.” He nods, “What are you guys doing here?”

“We’re here to see Coach Sylvester,” you tell him.

He tells you that the last time he saw her she was on the treadmill in her office. You part ways with a promise to have drinks next time you’re in town.

You step up to the office more confidently this time. You knock on the door and feel Brittany behind you.

“C’mon,” Sue calls.

You open the door and step in. She’s standing in front of her desk with a small weight in her hand. She looks the three over you over and you see a smile creeps up on her face, “Who is this?” Her tone is not contentious. It’s optimistically curious.

“This is my son, Nick,” you say because you know you don’t need an explanation as to why you’re here. You’re sure she knows that you just wanted her to meet him.

She smiles at Nick and takes a step toward her, “Hi Nick. I’m Coach Sylvester.”

Nick just gives her a perplexed look. Then he grins. “Hi.”

“May I?” Coach Sylvester asks you.

You easily hand Nick over to her and she holds him up to look at him, “You’re going to be a smart, handsome boy aren’t you?”

You take a step back just because you need to feel Brittany behind you. You knew that Sue was maternal, but this is super stepford maternal.

“If I’m honest, and I always am, I was sure after you came out to the team, you wouldn’t be having one of these,” Sue moves to the other side of her desk and sits down in her chair. She looks at Nick in her lap with a smile. She hands Nick a mini megaphone that he starts playing with.

You roll an exercise ball in front of Sue’s desk and have a seat. You roll one to Brittany and she sits down next to you.  “I didn’t think I would either. He just kinda happened.” You smile, “I’m glad he did.”

“I assume that you two used a suitable sperm donor,” Sue looks down at Nick, “One with a high IQ, athletic abilities, and an affinity for art.”

You furrow your eyebrows and then turn to Brittany who looks like she doesn’t know what to say. You clear your throat. “I, um, we weren’t together when Nick was conceived.” You try to think of the best way to say that you were really drunk, lonely, and upset and had sex with a guy you only saw once again to tell him that you were pregnant. You fidget with your hands, “It wasn’t a great time in my life.”

Sue nods, “Say no more. I understand.”

You look down and nod to yourself. You’re glad to you don’t have to explain that. You feel Brittany reach over and take your hand. She runs her thumb over the back of your hand, reassuring you that everything you’ve been doing is okay.

“He’s beautiful,” Sue says when you tell her that you need to get going so Nick can take a nap. She hands him back to you. “Come by next time you’re in town. Maybe we can get him into a Cheerios uniform.”

You and Brittany chuckle, but on some level you both know that she’s serious.

Once you buckle Nick into his carseat, you can see that he’s already nodding off. You get into the passenger’s seat and put your seatbelt on as Brittany turns the car on. She checks the mirrors and then looks in the backseat. You don’t know why. Maybe just to make sure that Nick is secured in correctly. You don’t think it’s because she doesn’t trust you. You’re sure it’s just to make sure.

As she drives out of the parking lot, you reach over and take her hand. You thread your fingers together and then look out the window. You don’t want it to be a big deal. You just want to hold her hand.

The longer you drive, the more natural it feels to hold Brittany’s hand while she’s driving. You see that your parents are home now, along with Brittany’s parents, when she pulls to a stop in front of your parents’ house. She just turns off the car and looks in the backseat. Nick is still asleep.

Brittany smiles and then looks over at you. “He’s adorable.”

You bite your lip and smile. “He is.”

You see Brittany’s eyes flicker down to your lips. You can’t help, but lick them. You see Brittany inhale deeply when you do. Brittany obviously shakes her head and forces her eyes up to yours, “I have a question.”

“Okay,” you say, leaning back a little bit.

Brittany turns your hand over in hers and holds it with both of her hands, “I wanted to know if you would like to go to the opening night ball with me. As my date.”

You let out a huge smile, “Yes. Of course.”

She leans toward you and hugs you with her free arm. “Thank you.”

You linger in the hug. Then when you pull away, you feel the urge to kiss her. You pause, just looking at  her. Of course she isn’t looking at you. She moves the keys from one hand to another and then opens her door. You let out a light sigh. You don’t know if now is a good time to kiss her. You’re supposed to be taking things slow. But how slow? It’s not like you know.

She helps you get Nick out of the car and dutifully carries the diaper bag into your parents’ house. You don’t want to put Nick in your bed, upstairs by himself, so you lay him on the couch and surround him with pillows. Then you walk into the kitchen and find all of your parent’s sitting around the kitchen table, drinking tea, and talking.

“Hey!” Brittany’s dad spots you first, “There are our girls.”

Brittany presses her finger to her lips, “Nick is asleep in the living room.”

Brittany’s dad chuckles and exaggeratedly tiptoes over to you and Brittany for a hug. Then he steps back to the table and sits down.

“Where have you two been?” your mom asks.

“We went to the high school to see Coach Sylvester,” you tell her.

Your mom just smiles and nods. She knows that Sue was like a second, angrier mom to you in high school. You walk into the kitchen and get a glass. You get some water out of the filtered water spout and then lean back on the counter while you take a deep drink.

“What are you girls doing for dinner tonight?” Brittany’s mom asks. “Since you’re leaving tomorrow we were all hoping to take you to dinner.”

You look to Brittany and shrug, giving her the decision. She smiles and nods, “Awesome.”

As much as you love Breadstix, you’re glad when Brittany’s dad pulls out of his driveway in the opposite direction of Breadstix. You adjust in the small third row of seats. Mr. Pierce didn’t really buy this SUV for the third row of seats. He got it so that he could haul around the antiques that he refinished as a hobby.

Yours and Brittany’s knees are touching because it’s so cramped in the back. Nick is happily chatting away with your mom and Mrs. Pierce in the middle seat while Mr. Pierce and your dad are in the front seat trying to join into the conversation.

You look over at Brittany. She’s still adjusting, her long legs folded in front of her. She puts one of her arms against the window and then looks at her right arm, the one closest to you. She looks over at you and sees you watching. She grins knowing that you know what she’s doing. She fake yawns and stretches her arm out of her your head before setting it on the top of the seat behind you.

You giggle and allow it to stay where it is. You even scoot a little toward her. You feel her fingers glide up and down a small strip of your shoulder. You’re sure that she doesn’t even notice that she’s doing it while she tells her mom something about New York.

You like this. You like it when she touches you so innocently, but lovingly.

When you get to the restaurant, you start to reach for Nick when he’s taken out of your reach by your mom picking him up. You get that she loves him and you love that she wants to be more involved, but there are some times where you need to hold your son.

You stand next to the car, adjusting the diaper bag over your shoulder, looking at your reflection in the back window. Brittany gets out after you and stands up straight. She stretches out her back with her arms over her head and then wraps her arms around your shoulders. You just kind of stand there and allow her to hold you. She kisses the side of your head and whispers, “We’ll be home tomorrow.”

You don’t know if she knows what you’re actually upset about, but you know that she knows you’re upset and that makes all the difference.

She lets go of you and starts walking toward the rest of your group that’s already at the door of the restaurant.

You catch her wrist before she can walk off and pull her back to you. She looks at you questioningly before you stand on your toes and surge forward, crashing your lips into hers.

It was an instinct. It was an impulse, but it feels so good. However, before Brittany can get into the kiss, you fall back onto your heels. You let a small smile play on your lips. Brittany still looks stunned, but finally a smile grows on her face.

You’ve been in the restaurant for a while and halfway through dinner your mom tells you that her real estate agent has sent over some listings for you. You listen to her tell you which ones she thinks you’ll like even though you haven’t seen them, or even looked at the stats yet.

It strikes you that you’re not only looking for a place for you, Nick, and Puck to live, but eventually, hopefully, Brittany as well. You see the endgame of this relationship being a family. You and Brittany raising Nick and whoever else comes along. You have to think about what she likes. Or better yet, you’ll just take her with you. You don’t want to say the reason that you’re really bringing her, although you’re sure she’ll know. You feel that saying it out loud would put too much hope out there. You need to keep all the hope within yourself. Because right now it's what's holding you together.


	27. Chapter 27

You’re glad that you took the short vacation to Lima. You needed it desperately. However, now that you’re back in New York, you’re out of vacation mode and into work mode. Also house hunting mode. You have to make sure that Nick has somewhere to call home by the end of the week.

Your mom’s real estate agent gave you some great leads for apartments and you’ve scheduled showing for Tuesday. You’re even going to see one of the apartments in your parents’ buildings.

Luckily, or unluckily, the one in your parents’ apartment building turns out to be your favorite one despite your attempted to hate it before you even stepped inside. There’s a lofted master bedroom, accessible only by an iron spiral staircase. There are two bedrooms in the downstairs area as well as an open living room, kitchen, and dining area, but your favorite part is the windows. Against the wall opposite the master bedroom are huge windows overlooking the city.

You love it so much that while you’re still looking at it, you call Puck and tell him to bring Nick. Then you send pictures to Brittany and your parents. You really hope that Brittany likes it because you love it.

“So are you a native or a transplant?” the real estate agent asks.

You shrug, “I’m from Ohio, but I’ve been here for a while.” You feel like being a theatre producer is about as New Yorker as you can get without actually being born in Manhattan.

He nods with a smile, “Utah. I came for vacation and never went back.”

You continue looking around the window sill and at the baseboards checking for any tiny imperfection, “That sounds nice.” You really, honestly don’t care. In fact the more he talks, the more convinced you are that he’s trying to distract you from finding some kind of imperfection.

As you’re discussing the amenities of the building, your phone rings. You look down at it, expecting Cecily or Brittany, but you find that it’s your insurance agent. You’ve talked to him way too much over the past few days. You excuse yourself from the real estate agent and walk into the kitchen. “Santana Lopez,” you answer.

“Hey Santana,” he says in what you’re sure he hopes is a friendly tone. “The crew has been cleaning your old apartment all day so we’ll have the boxes of your salvaged belongings ready for you around six tonight.”

You sigh and worry about just how many boxes they managed to fill. You run a hand through your hair, “Alright. Do I pick them up there?”

“We can bring them to you,” he says.

There’s not enough room in the hotel room so you give him the address to Brittany’s apartment. He tells you that they’ll bring it around in a few hours. You thank him and hang up.

You lean on the kitchen counter for a moment and look around. You look over in the table nook and try to picture having breakfast with Nick there. You can see him eating French toast at the table on a Saturday morning and rambling on about what he plans to do for the day. You can see yourself standing at the stove listening. And you can see Brittany behind you, wrapping her arms around your waist and sneaking bites and kisses.

You walk into the living room ready to tell the agent that you’ll make an offer when you see Puck, Nick, and Brittany walk in. Puck puts Nick down and he runs to you. You smile and pick him up, “Hey baby boy. Do you like it here?”

He looks around at the windows and the ceiling. Then his eyes travel to the stairs. He doesn’t answer as he keeps taking in everything. Even though he is still a toddler, you trust his judgment over most adults’.

Brittany kisses your cheek and places a hand on your back. “What do we think?”

“I was hoping that you’d tell me,” you tell her quietly. “Also, I had the boxes from our old apartment sent to your apartment. I hope you don’t mind.”

She smiles, “Of course not.”

Puck is cautiously looking around with his hands in his pockets. You take Brittany and Puck to the two bedrooms downstairs. You pause in the hallway and wait until you have Puck’s attention, “I was going to let you boys fight over which room was whose.”

Puck looks surprised, “You want me to keep staying with you?”

You smile, knowing that he thought you were going to kick him out. You nod, “Of course. Nick needs his space ranger play buddy.”

Puck grins and wraps his arms around you and Nick. “Thank you Santana.” He pauses. “I mean it.”

“You’re welcome,” you smile and glance over Puck’s shoulder at Brittany who is grinning.

 You set Nick down when Puck lets go and watch him run around. Puck goes into one of the bedrooms to try to decide where he would put his keyboard and guitar. Nick just sits in the floor of the other room and plays with his unicorn.

Brittany starts walking up the stairs and pauses when you look at her. “Is this your room?”

You smile and nod. You walk over to the stairs and lean on the railing, looking up at her, “Tell me what you think okay?”

Brittany blows a kiss to you and walks up the stairs the rest of the way.

The real estate agent walks up to you as you linger near the stairs. He smiles, “So it’ll be the four of you?”

You cross your arms, “Just me, the baby, and the mowhawk. At least for now.”

He nods and puts his hands in his pockets. He starts to point out something when you turn away from him. You can look at the apartment yourself without him trying to sell it to you.

After a thorough inspection of the apartment, you, Puck, Nick, and Brittany congregate at the foot of the stairs. You look to Puck and Brittany who are sitting on the third step up, “So?”

Puck shrugs, “You’re the one paying for it.”

“But you have to live here,” you tell him, leaning more on the rail in front of him. “Do you like it? Is your room big enough?”

He nods, “Yeah. It’s great. I have a place for all my stuff and an actual bed.”

You smile at Puck then turn to Brittany. She grins at you with a knowing twinkle in her eye, “You love it.”

“But what do you think?” you ask her. You adjust your hold on Nick and set him down on the stair in front of Brittany. He stands for a moment before diving into her arms.

“I love it too,” she says back, pulling Nick into her lap.

You nod. “Well,” you turn around to the real estate agent who is pretending not to listen to your conversation across the room while faking some important actions on his BlackBerry. He looks up when you look at him, “Let’s put a bid in.”

After signing the proper paperwork to confirm your bid, you part ways with Puck. He has plans with Rachel to go watch some singer so you just decide to go to Brittany’s apartment and wait.

In your head, you go through all the things that you care about that could have been destroyed. You do this often at night when you’re waiting for exhaustion to overcome you. You stare at the ceiling of Brittany’s apartment while Nick and Brittany sit on the bed next to you playing dinosaurs.

Occasionally Brittany will reach over and rub your arm or pat your knee. You’ll force a smile back at her and she’ll roll her eyes at your useless attempt.

When the boxes do arrive, they’re more than you dared hope for. They’re all grey plastic bins labeled with the room they came from. You see more boxes labeled “Child’s Room” then you find that say, “Master Bedroom.” There are a substantial amount of “Kitchen” boxes and a few “Living Room” boxes. There is at least one that says “Bathroom” but that one can wait.

Once the delivery men leave, you sit on Brittany’s bed and look at the boxes that are now occupying most of the apartment. “I’m sorry,” you murmur. “I didn’t think there would be this many.”

Brittany sits down on the bed next to you, “It’s not a big deal.” She puts her arms around you and kisses the side of your head, “Where do you want to start?”

You just look at the arduous task ahead of you and breathe deeply a few times. If you don’t start now, you’ll put it off indefinitely. Finally you wrap your arms around Brittany’s waist and bury your face in her shoulder. “Nick’s room.”

She just holds you there and alternates between kissing your temple and stroking your hair, until you’re ready. When you finally sit up straight, you force yourself to stand and pick up the nearest box that came from Nick’s room.

Three hours later, you and Brittany are still sorting through boxes, actively avoiding the boxes from your room. Nick fell asleep at least an hour ago after eating the Thai delivery that you called in. You haven’t really eaten. You were busy. Brittany tried to get you to eat while she sat on the bed, helping Nick eat. But you know that if you stop sorting through these boxes, it’ll all become real again. No matter how much they cleaned everything in the boxes, you occasionally still catch a whiff of the burned remnants of your apartment and every whiff threatens to throw you into a tailspin.

Brittany tries valiantly to stay awake as you take inventory of your kitchen things, but she falls asleep across the foot of the bed with a spatula in her hand. It’s understandable because it’s nearing three in the morning. It’s just you and the lamp in the corner dealing with the aftermath of the effects of some psychotic person’s attempt at revenge on their significant other. You make a mental note to find out which insane person in your building set their bed on fire and (at least verbally) flay them.

You crack open the first box and find some shoes. You recognize most of them as the shoes that take residence in the back of your closet. It’s mostly sandals and strappy shoes. Your summer shoe inventory seems to be safe. You even dig out a pair of your favorite leather boots. You don’t find much in the ways of clothes though. Most of the clothes that you dig out are from your dresser. You figured as much seeing as how when you went into your room, there was a layer of black ash on everything surface.

Eventually you find your keepsake box. Of course your keepsake box could aptly be named the Brittany box. It has pictures and mementos from high school in it. You’re glad that this box survived. Your safe is also, as advertised, safe. All your important documents are in there as well as some jewelry that your parents gave you that is too expensive to wear every day.

All in all the loss wasn’t so bad. It definitely could have been worse. The vast majority of Nick’s toys were spared, but most of his clothes were not. You don’t mind though. He wasn’t as attached to his little Nike’s as he was to his teddy bear batman that his Grandpa gave him. You look up at Nick and see him peacefully sleeping between the pillows at the head of the bed.

You look up at the bed and see Brittany still sleeping with the spatula in her hand, feet dangling off the other end. From your place on the floor at the foot of the bed and affectionately kiss her lips. You turn off the lamp and then crawl onto the bed behind her. Once your wrap your arm around her waist and bury your face in the back of her hair, she shifts backward, toward you. The spatula falls to the ground as she rolls over, her arm flopping over you.

You smile and kiss her neck, “I love you Britt.”

She mumbles something that sounds vaguely like, “love you too.”

You giggle. Then you bury yourself in her embrace and close your eyes. 


	28. Chapter 28

If you thought producing a show was a herculean task, you didn’t think about it producing it while closing on an apartment, moving in, and buying furniture. You were so close to giving Quinn your credit card to get furniture. Then you remembered that if she decorated it, your apartment would end up looking like the centerfold of Martha Stewart Living. Then you think about giving your mom your credit card and sending her off, but just because she lives in New York now doesn’t mean that you trust to her furnish your apartment.

So while you’re waiting for your meetings, you’re looking through furniture catalogs. While you’re cooking dinner, you’re making phone calls. On your lunch break, you meet with the real estate agents, lawyers, and insurance adjusters to lock down your new apartment and get rid of the old one.

The walls of your office have been covered with costume, set, and ballroom sketches. You’re letting Cecily have two of the walls of your office to plan the opening night ball. She’s working really hard at it and you have to help her, but you know that she’ll be okay planning the next one herself. She just needs contacts and contacts you have.

The day before opening night you come to the screeching realization that you don’t actually have anything to wear to opening night. Cecily runs in when you’re screaming obscenities and throwing papers around, looking for your purse so you can run down the street and get something.

“I don’t have anything to wear,” you say. “I have to call the caterer. I need you to call my mom or Brittany or Rachel or Quinn or whoever and tell them to meet me at Evelyne’s as soon as possible.”

Cecily nods vigorously. You don’t know if she’s just scared of you or she’s hopped up on coffee, trying to drown the super late nights she’s been pulling to get the ball together.

You call the caterer as you’re walking to the dress shop and when you walk in, it looks like they’re expecting you. Lucky for them, Cecily probably called them to warn them that you were on your way. They take your coat and hand you a coffee. You explain what you need and the stylists run off to the racks in the back of the store. You sit down in a white arm chair and look at your phone. The caterer is taken care of. The alcohol is taken care of. The venue is booked and the decorations are going up right now. The set is done. The cast is as rehearsed as they’re going to get.

You look at your phone and realize that you haven’t actually seen Brittany in two days. She’s been working late and you’ve been working late. You’ve talked to her a few times and text often, but you haven’t actually seen her.

Your mom walks into the store a few minutes later. It was probably too much to ask for Brittany to show up. She’s probably busy as well. You bet Quinn and Rachel are too with the opening show. You hooked Kurt up with the costume department in one of your contact’s new shows so he is probably busy as well. It’s just as well. Your mom will give it to you straight.

“Hey honey,” your mom says. She sits down in the chair next to you, “What are we looking for?”

“Classy and elegant,” you tell her. “I’m a producer now. I have to look snootier than everyone else.”

Your mom chuckles and rubs your shoulder, “I’m proud of you. Even if you are snooty now.”

One of the associates walks out of the back, pulling a small rack of dresses, “Shall we start with these?”

You get through at least ten dresses before you find the one that you’re going to wear tomorrow night. You know that you are Brittany’s date and you really hope that your dress matches hers. You try to text her, but she doesn’t answer before your lunch break is cut short. So you grab the dress, have it sent to your new apartment and then head back to work.

Your mom shows up at your work ten minutes after you part ways with a paper container of grilled chicken chipotle tacos. She tells you that no matter how busy you are, you have to eat.

You roll your eyes, but are very grateful for her. She lingers in front of your desk. You look up at her pointedly. She puts her hands on her hips, “You’ll be working late tonight yes?”

You nod. “Probably.”

“Then why don’t I go pick up Nick and he can stay with me tonight?” your mom asks. She’s trying to be sly about it, but her smile is sneaking around the serious look on her face.

You try to cover up your smile, but you can’t help it. You shrug, “Sure. Make sure to get his clothes for opening night.”

“You’re going to make that poor child sit through the entire show?” your mom asks.

You nod. “I have an entire box to myself. You and dad are going to sit with me, Nick, and Puck.” You lean back in your chair and put your feet on your desk, “If Nick gets bored he can walk around the box and play with his toys.”

Your mom looks impressed. “Way to think it through.”

“I try,” you smirk and then full on smile. She wishes you a nice afternoon before leaving your office.

Brittany texts you at three fifteen. You decide to make a coffee run on your own and call her. You argue with Cecily for ten minutes over who gets to go, but you pull rank and tell her that she doesn’t look like she’d make it back anyway. She sits down in a huff at her desk and drops her head down. You’re sure that when you get back she’ll be asleep, but you don’t need her until it’s time to go to the theatre and make sure everything is ready so you’ll let her sleep.

When you call Brittany she seems surprised when she answers, “Hey! I didn’t think I’d hear from you.”

“I’m taking a break,” you grin as you walk down the block at a leisurely pace, “I need coffee or I’m going to fall on my face.” You smile wider, “Are you excited?”

You can hear the bright smile in her voice, “I can’t sit still. I’ve been practicing all day.”

“Don’t you dare get hurt,” you playfully warn her, “I don’t have anyone else who can do that you do on that stage.”

“So you only love me for my mad dance skills huh?” she asks.

You love it when she gets like this. She’s playful and energetic. If you thought you had enough time, you would sneak over to her apartment for a quickie, but you know that when you have sex with Brittany, it always takes longer than you expect.

“I love all of your mad skills,” you tease.

Brittany pauses, “Can you come over?”

You don’t want to have to tell her that you can’t. You have so much to do and so little time to do it. You may actually end up sleeping in your office if you can’t pry Cecily out of her desk. You just sigh softly.

“I didn’t think you could,” Brittany adds quickly, “I guess it was just wishful thinking.” Her tone changes along with the octave of her voice. She’s bringing up something happy now so that you don’t feel like such a workaholic ass. “Are we going over to the reception together?”

“Of course,” you grin, thinking about how you will have both Nick and Brittany with you all night tomorrow. “Are you going to get dressed backstage?”

“Yeah,” Brittany answers, “So are Rachel and Quinn. Our dresses are already in the dressing room.” Brittany’s voice moves to its teasing place, “I heard you freaked out this morning because you didn’t have a dress.”

“Ugh,” you huff as you walk into the coffee shop, “How many other people know about that?”

“Just Quinn and Rachel,” Brittany giggles, “Your mom called me to ask what color my dress was.”

You break into a huge smile, “I didn’t know she did that.”

You put a hold on your conversation with Brittany to order coffee. You got a pitying look from the barista when you asked for two red eyes, then muttered something about not sleeping for a week. And unfortunately when you get back to your office, you have to hang up with Brittany. She understands and tells you she loves you. You tell her that you love her too and you’ll see her tomorrow.

Before you walk into the office building, you pause on the street. You let it sink in that tomorrow, your show opens. The things you’ve been working on for almost a year. It started with an idea, then a pitch to the money people. You worked your ass off and tomorrow it will all come to fruition. You almost laugh to yourself and get a weird look from the people on the street because you just end up making a weird squeak.

You open the door and take the coffee up to your office, settling in for a late night with Cecily.

When you wake up the next morning, it is into a full panic. You scramble off of the couch in your office and lunge for your phone that’s charging on your desk. You let out a relieved sigh when you fall back into your desk chair. It’s only seven thirty in the morning. After regrouping, you heave yourself onto your feet.

You have a terrible headache from jumping up and you’re sure that your hair is insane. You shuffle to your door and open it. From the door, you can see Cecily sleeping on top of her desk. You decide to leave her alone because she’s snoring.

You flop back down on your couch and call the coffee shop down the street, offering a fifty dollar tip for them to deliver coffee and muffins to your office.

Then you text Puck and ask him to bring you your dress when he wakes up because you’re not going to have time to go back home. Your new bed was supposed to have already arrived and it’s probably sitting in the box downstairs. You’re going to have to sleep on the couch again. You sigh and lean back onto the couch with the knowledge that your workload is going to significantly decrease after tonight. A significant decrease meaning almost nothing.  After tonight it’s mostly administrative stuff that Cecily can take over once you ask her after the show tonight if she wants to work for you full time and actually get paid.

The rest of the day is a whirl. Hair and make-up come in around two for you and Cecily. You’re both still on the phone directing traffic from your office while the hair and make-up duo you hired weeks ago and forgot about works on your hair and Cecily make-up. Then they switch. A few times you and Cecily had to switch phones because you needed to talk to someone she was talking to or couldn’t stand to talk to someone you were talking to.

Cecily helps you into your dress while you yell at some delivery drivers who haven’t arrived at the venue with the chairs yet. When you hang up, you cross your arms, “They had to move the chairs eight blocks. How hard is that?”

Cecily just grins.

“Are you broken?” you asked her, poking her shoulder.

She chuckles, “No.” She turns around and picks up a large bouquet of flowers off of her desk. “These came for you while you were yelling.”

You looked them over and smile. There are a few people these could be from and they all make you happy. You pick up the card and read it. _San, I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to see you tonight. Love, Britt_.

Cecily is hovering behind you so you let her read the card. She grins wider and picks up both of your purses. “C’mon, we have to get to the theatre.”

“Already?” you ask, glancing to your left to see the hair and make-up people packing up their stuff. It didn’t really even register with you that you’re actually ready to go.

“Yes,” Cecily answers, “We have an hour before your show opens. We’re late. You have to go schmooze.”

You actually do schmooze a little until your parents arrive with Nick and Puck. Nick is wearing a little three piece suit with a white vest and black button down. You can tell Puck did his hair, but his wavy brown mane looks cute parted at the side and combed down. Puck looks great as well in a charcoal grey suit. Your mom is the picture of elegance and your father the picture of sophistication. But really you could care less what they’re wearing. You’re just glad they’re here.

“You look so grown up,” you tell Nick and kiss his head. He holds your hand as you walk around talking to people. Neither one of you seem to want to let go of each other. You’ve missed him this past week, but you know it’s all worth it because you get to spend every day with him for the next few months.

You want to go backstage and check on Brittany, Quinn, and Rachel, but you know that you can’t. They’re stretching and getting into character. You’re just going to go sit in your box with Nick and wait for the show to start. You’ve had enough of strangers who want to wish you well. You want your family and, almost as importantly, you want to sit down.

You get Nick to sit still in your lap by telling him that Brittany is going to be on the stage soon. He concentrates really hard, watching intently like he might miss her if he blinks. When Brittany bounds onto the stage, he claps and grins up at you. You smile down at him and then settle into a rapt focus with your son on the stage. You both watch wide-eyed with grins while Brittany dances, hitting all her marks, and never missing a step.

You can’t describe how proud you feel in this moment. You are proud that Brittany finally found a stage where she is appreciated. You can’t rip your eyes away from her, but you know that if you look at the audience below, you’d see that they were all just as entranced as you are. You are proud of yourself for finding her a stage to help her shine. You’re proud that you finally pulled off a show all on your own. You were in charge and you made this show happen.

You couldn’t have asked for anything more.


	29. Chapter 29

“Brinny!” Nick yells as he runs screaming through the backstage area. Some of the actors say hi to you and you politely wave to them while trotting after Nick in your expensive producer heels.

“Nick!” you hear Brittany yell back. You round the corner of the banks of vanities in time to see her scoop him up and throw him into the air before catching him. You try to figure out how he knew where she was as she pulls him to her chest and hugs him. She has a massive grin on her face.

She’s not even fully out of her costume yet. She’s wearing a cami with the top of her costume pulled down to her waist. Her stage make-up is off and her ball make-up is on. Her hair is straightened already. It did take you a while to get backstage because people kept congratulating you on a show that everyone is positive will be a smash hit, but you didn’t expect her to already be that ready.

When she opens her eyes, she sees you standing in front of her, waiting your turn. She moves Nick to her hip and pulls you to her. Her skin is warm, but you love it against you. You rest your chin on her shoulder and smile, taking in the moment. “You were incredible.”

“None of this would have happened without you,” she whispers in your ear. “You did it.”

You pull back and kiss her. You don’t kiss her for as long as you want to because she’s holding Nick and there are many, many other people standing around.

You take Nick from Brittany so that she can finish getting dressed. She kicks off her costume like she’s half naked in front of an entire cast every day. Now that you’re sure the show is going to survive opening night, she will be half naked in front of an entire cast every day.

“Where are Quinn and Rachel?” you ask Brittany, seeing all the dancers around Brittany’s vanity start to get ready for the ball.

Brittany looks around and then points at her vanity, “They’re on the other side, I think.”

You give her a quick kiss, “We’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be ready,” Brittany smiles.

You walk around the vanities to find Rachel with a large crowd around her, chatting excitedly with at least half of the cast. Quinn is standing next to her with a face splitting smile. She doesn’t say anything. She just watches as Rachel exchanges with the other members of the show.

You sneak up behind her and tap the middle of her back. Quinn turns around and smiles at you. She puts her arms around both you and Nick, carefully hugging you both. “How’d it look?”

“Amazing,” you gush. “You got a standing ovation.”

“So did you,” she touches your arm. Then she gently cups Nick’s cheek, “Did you have fun?”

Nick nods vigorously. Once he started realizing that he knew some of the people up on stage, he sat still and quietly through the whole thing. He would turn to you, wide-eyed like he couldn’t believe someone he knew was on stage.

He looks like he wants to say something. You’re not sure he knows how to express that he saw Quinn, Rachel, and Brittany on the stage. He looks behind him, toward the stage, and then back at Quinn.

“He watched you the whole time you were on stage,” you explain for him.

Quinn grins and kisses Nick’s head. “I’m glad he enjoyed it.”

“Everyone did,” you assure her.

“There’s the woman of the hour!” Rachel announces loudly. You feel the eyes of everyone she was talking to land on you. Rachel sees that and starts clapping. Everyone else joins in. Nick and Quinn clap as well. You look behind you and see Brittany as well as the rest of the cast, some of the crew behind you, Puck, and your parents. They’re all clapping for you.

You feel tears in your eyes and you don’t know what to say. You don’t have to say anything because Rachel puts her arms around you and Nick. Then Brittany joins and Quinn does as well. It turns into one big hug with lots of laughing backstage.

Finally you decide that you’ve had enough mushy stuff. “Alright, alright,” you say and Rachel and Quinn take a step back. You feel Brittany’s arms still around you from behind. You look to the group and say, “I couldn’t have done this without every single one of you. Thank you so much.” You look at all the smiling faces of the actors, dancers, crew members, and family members. You let out a wide grin, “It’s time to celebrate.”

Whoops and cheers go out throughout the backstage area and everyone starts getting ready. You look behind you and see that Brittany is fully dressed and ready to go. You tilt your head back and she brushes her lips against yours briefly.

“Shall we?” you turn to Puck, your parents, Brittany, Quinn, and Rachel.

Nick walks to the ball holding yours and Puck’s hands. You can hear Brittany joking behind you with your parents. Quinn and Rachel are walking in front of you, arms linked.

“That was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen,” a man waiting outside of the venue says to the group with him.

You smile. Quinn turns around and beams at you. You know that she loves this work because she’s not only getting paid for it but, it’s something that she can really get into. It’s something that she can channel her emotions into after the terrible year that she’s had.

“Take Nick for a sec,” you tell Puck.

Puck nods and picks him up. “We’re going to go get some food, huh buddy?”

Nick claps as they break off from you to head inside. You grab Quinn’s arm and pull her to the side on the sidewalk in front of the venue. You see Rachel stop walking as well as Brittany. You shoot Brittany a look over your shoulder, letting her know that you just need a moment with Quinn.

Quinn seems to know that you just need a moment with her. You both stand a few feet away from the entrance of the venue. You just pull Quinn into your arms and feel her deflate against you. She lets out a deep sigh and punctuates it with a sniffle.

You know that her mom is not here to see her glorious triumph. You know that no matter how good it feels for Quinn, something inside of her isn’t going to feel quite right because her mom isn’t around to witness one of the greatest things she’s ever done. You don’t know how her mom would have felt, but you’re sure it’s something akin to massive amounts of joy and pride. All you can do is tell Quinn how you feel. “I’m so proud of you.”

Her hands splay out on your back and pull you harder against her. She takes a deep breath under your arms. Then she takes a step back. There are tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. She wipes at her eyes, “Thank you.”

You reach forward and fluff her hair, “You’re incredible and you killed it.”

“So did you,” Quinn smiles when her eyes are dry.

You look next to you and see Brittany and Rachel silently a few yards away. You jerk your head toward Quinn and both of them walk over. Rachel wraps herself around Quinn and you revel in Brittany’s arms around you.

“Well,” Quinn interrupts the content silence, “Let’s get inside and celebrate.”

Brittany’s hand is in yours when you walk in the door. You’re absolutely floored by everything that Cecily managed to pull off. The beautiful venue was turned into the picture of elegance. The walls are lit with a gorgeous golden light accentuated with golden drapes hanging around the windows. The tables are done brilliantly with stark linens and the entire thing makes you so proud of Cecily.

“This is gorgeous,” you breathe out.

Brittany’s lips are close to your ear when she whispers, “So are you.”

You grin and grip her hand tighter. When she whispers in your ear like that, you’re whole body shivers. You’re so happy that you get to spend this night with her and your family.

As you walk around, people stop you and tell you what a wonderful show it was. They tell you that you think it’ll have a good long run and that it will put your on the map as a producer. When you can, you pawn off the fawners on someone in the cast. You just want to find your family and have some champagne with them.

“Santana,” you hear your name and you see Quinn quickly walking toward you. She takes your free hand and turns you around. She stands behind you and points over your shoulder, “Do you see what I see?”

Brittany sees her before you do and whispers, “Coach Sylvester.”

The three of you walk to her. She’s standing at the bar with a glass of champagne. She’s wearing a normal dress that’s not made out of a tracksuit. She looks elegant and regal.

“Coach Sylvester,” Brittany bops right up to her, not as nervous as you or Quinn.

Coach Sylvester smiles when she sees Brittany. She hugs her and then looks her over, “Phenomenal job, Brittany.”

You pause next to them and wait for Coach Sylvester to acknowledge you. She spots you next and gives you a hug. It’s weird coming from her because it’s the first hug you’ve ever gotten from her. You whole body warms when she tells you that she’s proud of you. It feels so good that someone who approves of so little approves of what you’ve done. You and Brittany step away to allow Quinn a moment with the only maternal figure from her adolescence that she really has left.

Brittany’s parents almost tackle you when they find you. Then they gush over how well Brittany was and how they finally saw her on stage in New York. It was beautiful and worth all the hard work.

You’re stolen away by Cecily and an older looking gentlemen who she introduces as one of her professors. She asks if you’d like to speak about producing a play in modern times for his class and you give him one of the cards in your clutch, telling him you’d love to. Then you steal Cecily away from him.

“This is incredible,” you tell her.

“Thanks,” she smiles. You can see that she’s tired, but riding the adrenaline of the show opening. “The show was too. It was amazing.”

You hijack two glasses of champagne. You offer one to Cecily. She accepts it with a smile, “Do we get a few days off before you’re producing the next huge play?”

“We get a few weeks off,” you tell her with a smile.

“Well my internship ends in two weeks,” Cecily looks around, “So you’ll have to throw the next ball yourself.”

You’re glad she gave you a segue into what you wanted to ask her. “Actually, I have no interest in throwing a ball by myself. There are a few plays that will be on my desk next weeks and I could use a junior associate producer.”

“Me?” Cecily asks with wide eyes.

You just quirk an eyebrow and nod. “Interested?”

She throws her arms around you, “Yes! Thank you so much!” She pulls away, “This is what I’ve always wanted.”

“You earned it,” you smile and pat her arm. “I’ll call you in a few weeks and we’ll discuss the pay and whatever. But tonight, you earned a party.”

She hugs you again and bounces away.

You find your family and sit with them, eating and drinking for hours. You dance with Brittany a few times and one time you danced with Nick and Brittany.

You have to say that the play is a rousing success and your cut of the ticket sales are going to be substantial. You stay up late enough that when you get home, Cecily is sitting on the curb in front of your building with a young man, a bottle of champagne, and the New York Times, the Daily News, and the New York Post.

She stands up a little uneasy on her feet when you, Nick, Brittany, and Puck walk up to her. She smiles wide though. She waves the papers, “Everyone loves it.”

“Really?” you ask. You know that a lot of theatre snobs take a lot of stock in what the papers say and if they like it, ticket sales go through the roof.

She nods and references the paper on top, “A masterpiece.” She moves to the next one, “A modern classic.” Then she rifles through the last one, “Get your tickets to this work of art before the ticket prices triple when it makes it’s inevitable jump to Broadway.”

“They love it,” you laugh and hug Cecily.

When the hug ends, she smiles at you. “You did it.” Before you can answer, she picks up the bottle of champagne. “See you in a few weeks boss.”

Cecily walks off with her man behind her. You turn to Brittany and the boys. Nick is passed out in Puck’s arms because its – you look at your watch – almost five in the morning.

“Holy shit,” you whisper and you just now realize how tired you are.

You walk to your apartment and open the glass door. Puck walks in with Nick and you wait for Brittany to walk in. However, she stops just outside the door. She kisses your lips lightly and says, “Goodnight.”

“What?” you ask, wondering what she means.

“I’ll just grab a cab,” she gestures to the dark street.

You shake your head, “You’re not going to stay?”

“We’re taking it slow remember?” she asks with a smirk.

You roll your eyes, “We are just going to go to sleep. But tonight is probably the best night of my life and I would like to end it in my new apartment, probably on the couch because my bed was delivered yesterday and I haven’t been home to put it together, with…” you blush a little because of what you’re about to say, “I’d like to end my perfect night, falling asleep next to you.”

Brittany smiles widely and nods. “Of course I’ll stay.”

When you get upstairs, you find that your bed isn’t still in the box in the living room. You take off your coat and toss it on the couch. Then you look around, still not seeing it. You stop Puck who is walking down the hallway to his and Nick’s bedrooms. “I thought you said my bed was here.”

“I did,” Puck smiles and walks back over to you. “It’s upstairs.” He puts his arms around your shoulders, holding Nick with his other arm. He pulls you into a hug and kisses the crown of your head, “You totally rocked it tonight. Congratulations.”

You let out a relieved grin, knowing that Puck put together your bed for you.

“I couldn’t have done it without your help,” you tell him back. Then you lift Nick from his arm, “You officially have the next week off. Go play your music or meet some girls.”

He laughs, “Thanks.” He hugs Brittany too, “You killed.”

“Thank you,” Brittany said into his shoulder.

You and Brittany walk up the stairs to your bedroom together. She puts up the gate at the top of the stairs so that if Nick wakes up before you do, he won’t fall. You let out a sigh of relief when you see your bed is not only built, but the sheets, blankets, and pillows are on it. It’s made a little crookedly, but you don’t care. It’s the most beautiful thing your tired body has seen in forty-eight hours.

You get some clothes for Brittany to change into and change yourself. You get Nick out of his little suit and leave him in his diaper.

Brittany turns down the bed and you place Nick in the middle of it. You slip in next to him and Brittany lays down on the other side. She smoothes out Nick’s hair and kisses his head. When she catches you watching him, she kisses you over his head.

“Goodnight, Santana,” she whispers, resting her head on her pillow.

You place your hand on Nick’s stomach and smile over him at Brittany. Her eyes haven’t left your face.  She’s still silently watching you. You lean forward and tenderly kiss her lips, “I love you, Brittany.”

She hums into the kiss and lengthens it by moving forward when you pull back. You break the kiss with a smile and she beams back. “I love you too, Santana.”

You lay your head down and feel Brittany’s hand in touching the top of your head. You feel her sweetly stroking your hair, pushing your farther and farther into sleep. You’re so glad that Brittany is here. You’re glad that you ran into each other again and you’re glad that Nick loves her. She’s part of your life again in the best way possible.

You remember when you couldn’t live without her. Now you know that you can live without her. You just never have to again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.


End file.
